I got pulled back in - finding resources

[Shaggydoo]

I stumbled onto this site after hearing the FOG acronym on a video. It resonated with me on a deep level. I've never been part of an online support group so this is new to me.

I have been in an abusive relationship for 4 years now. Two months ago, I finally left. I felt a huge weight off my shoulders.

I used my friend and her brother facilitate some communication to wrap up any loose end between me and my ex. Over the course of 2 weeks, she refused to communicate through anyone else and said I had to reach out directly. I still needed to get a lot of my things from the house.

I finally gave in and reached out directly. I instantly was put back into a place of making sure she was okay. She was threatening suicide and needed me to make her okay.

I didn't get the space or time I needed and now I'm fully back in.

She is acting like a new person and is really trying to listen and understand but I keep seeing these flare-ups of the old stuff and I am just getting enough validation to stay, but also still getting shut down from being open or stating my needs.

It's insane how I went back to this.

I am feeling obligated to stay and work this out.

She has told me if I was more romantic, or put her first, or made her feel special more she would treat me better. I know how that sounds and reading it after I typed it, I know it's a huge red flag.
I am trying to give her all the things she was needing right now. It's crazy how you go right back into that.
Thankfully I am seeing a therapist but I will be switching soon.  (I needed someone who knows personality disorders) Also, my partner HATES my current therapist because she has heard some of the things my therapist has told me and had read my notes. My  partner has told me my therapist is a "dumb b****". My partner is helping me find a new therapist... I am okay with it though because I do need someone that understands personality disorders.
It is so crazy trying to live with someone who you realize probably won't/can't change how they behave or treat others. It's so sad. It's one of the reasons I have stayed. If I left, she wouldn't have anyone because she has burned every bridge.

Anyways, that's my introduction. Hoping to read posts on here and get support and give support to other members.

[Rebel13]

Hi Shaggydoo, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I'm hoping you can find your way to a situation that is peaceful for you, and what you need. There are lots of good stories here, and strategies in the Toolbox for dealing with situations like this. I will say, it can be hard to heal or even find calm in a situation where abuse is ongoing.

Also, please note, unless you are a mental health professional, it is not your job to deal with someone who is making suicide threats. That requires skills and training that most of us do not have. I know that others have found that involving professionals when threats are made can resolve the situation in one of two ways: if the threat is serious, the person can get the help they need. If the threat is an attempt at manipulation, the consequence of having to discuss it with health professionals can lessens the likelihood that the tactic will be used in the future.

Take care of yourself, Shaggydoo, and keep us posted on how things are going for you.

[bloomie]

Shaggydoo - adding another warm welcome to you. You are not alone in returning to someone who seems fragile and threatens self harm. I am so sorry.

There is something really helpful to learn about found in one of are articles and it is The Abuse Cycle. You may see some familiar patterns there that could help you recognize what part of the cycle you may be in.

Settle in and read though the toolbox, traits info and look through the resources on the forum boards. I am thankful you are here and look forward to supporting you.