Struggling and need support

Peaceseeker · January 07, 2026, 12:56:52 AM

After 25 years of marriage to my BPD husband (who absolutely refused treatment or therapy) I finally had to leave. That was almost 4 years ago. He was my best friend and I did not cut off contact all this time because I truly wanted him in my life in some capacity but the roller coaster remained. He had a terrible episode that he sadly, never recovered from. I'm heartbroken and most people don't understand BPD, what it's like to love someone with it and how hard it is to let them go even if they drown. I know this is heavy. I just need encouragement.

Cascade · January 07, 2026, 01:41:27 AM

Welcome to the forum Peacekeeper. I hope you find help and encouragement here.

xredshoesx · January 11, 2026, 07:57:59 AM

welcome to the group @Peaceseeker-

sending you a gentle hug for when you see this- we do get it. Just because we choose to end the relationship for our own safety/ mental health doesn't mean we don't actively grieve the loss of that relationship; and this could be a family connection, friend, work issue or a romantic partner. it HURTS to know someone you love can't be a part of your life anymore because of choices they made and it's even harder to grieve bc like you said, people don't understand uPD/PD and the toll it takes on the entire circle of the person who is suffering.

when you are ready to share more about the journey you had with your ex, we are listening

Peaceseeker · March 09, 2026, 02:36:44 PM

Thank you so very very much for your kind response. It has taken me weeks to find the energy to reach out again. After starting the grieving process after the terrible suicide of my former husband, I am ready to share, give and find support with others who understand what a vicious disease this is. Can you recommend which Forum area would be best for me? Is there one specifically for those grieving uBPD who take their own life?

Information, support and community is virtually non-existent out there. I am beyond grateful that you are here.

GoodPesto · March 11, 2026, 09:00:43 AM

Hi Peacekeeper,

welcome to the forum.
I thought about your question because there is no specific area for what you are asking for. But maybe you'd find it fitting to post under "Last days/ after the funeral" which is for when someone with a PD dies. Another option could be "Seperating and divorcing" since you had decided to seperate. In the end you are free to choose the area you feel most comfortable with.
I remember a member who had lost her bpd daughter to suicide not so very long ago, maybe a year. I am not sure wether she is still using this plattform but if it feels right to you you could reach out via pm to find out. If I remember correctly she mentioned it in her post in "welcome mat".
I am sorry you have to go through this. It's horrific.
Wishing you the best

Adding: myshyangel is her pseudonym

Peaceseeker · March 11, 2026, 07:07:37 PM

Thank you for the suggestions and words of support. I will see if I can reach out to her and will decide where I want to post and engage.

It has been so tough. I finally had to go No Contact (after 20 plus years of marriage and trying to remain friends after the divorce three and a half years ago) and 9 days later he took his life on New Year's Day.

MaxedOut · March 11, 2026, 08:18:39 PM

I am sorry to hear about this Peaceseeker. It is hard loving them, letting the relationship go, and watching/knowing they are struggling. The potential is suicide weighed heavily on me when still married, especially as a reaction to leaving, and does to this day as it remains a real potentially likely thing at some point (real enough that any unplanned call from her sibling starts with it not being that sort of bad news).

Please keep the Three Cs in mind "I did not cause this. I can not change it. I could not cure it."

My best friend, who was not one to criticize my ex and always had compassion about her mental health, dropped a line during a phone conversation that pops in my head with some regularity and which I really needed to hear at the time: Marriage is not a suicide pact. It was not because I was at risk but because of how the relationship and my ex-wife's mental health was killing me slowly.

A therapist really helped me walk through the part of fear about suicide that was keeping me stuck - including a lot of pre-gamed guilt and self-blame and fear. Suicide, generally, is such an awful mind-F for loved ones generally, and I think it's often turbocharged for those who love PD folks. It really helped ground me to have someone to untangle that with and think critically about some of my thinking (I have a history of trauma around that in romantic relationships, so it was a huge deal for me in my marriage).

If you don't have a therapist, I encourage you to think about seeing someone or checking for a local Survivors of Suicide peer support group in your area.

Peaceseeker · March 12, 2026, 02:59:32 PM

Thank you, MaxedOut for sharing your experience and perspective with me. It helps to remember I'm not the only one who has gone through this. uBPD is so insidious and destructive to those afflicted and loved ones who live with them- and not many people understand the disease.

I appreciate "the 3 Cs" and the comment "Marriage isn't a suicide pact." You have such a wise friend. The deterioration of mental and physical health of spouses isn't something to be endured "no matter what." Yes the relationship was killing me slowly too, even though I did love him dearly.

I do have a therapist and we are working on all the layers here...I just cannot believe my former spouse did this. It was very dramatic and disturbing. Processing it all- as well as our long marriage and calling into question the last few decades of my life is huge.