Dealing with elderly pdMIL's visits

Orangeblossom77 · January 14, 2026, 03:29:20 PM

My elderly MIL usually visits one day at the weekend which has gone on for a long time, like years.

A couple of weeks ago I told her that I was unable to see her for the foreseeable due to my chronic illness and if she wanted to make contact she would need to contact her son. no reply

This was after a final turning point over Christmas where she berated me for being ill and then threatened me. I have had enough.

Anyway, the morning of the day that weekend came round and she texted me to say she wasn't coming because it was cold weather.

So not following the boundary by contacting my husband, or mentioning anything about my illness, instead it was about the weather.

Anyway it is coming up to another weekend and I'm wondering what will happen.

Let my husband deal, yes, but he has got used to me entertaining her weekends Taking her shopping or for a coffee etc. Making her endless cups of coffee, reading to her. I have done so much of that over the past years.

Should I just go out? What if she texts me on the day? It's giving me anxiety just thinking about it.

It probably doesn't help that my husband has been asking me have I spoken to her today (I used to talk to her on the phone most days) and also saying things like 'she is your mother too' which I really didn't like because I am NC with my own mother!

The thing she threatened me with... well she was saying at the time she was going to leave and I had said 'leave then' and she turned on me and said "You have told me to leave, tomorrow I will text him (my husband) and tell him you told me that.

So I guess I am worried she might text him and say I have left her on the doorstep or something.

But why that is making me panic I'm not sure. Any advice welcome.

walking on broken glass · January 14, 2026, 04:25:16 PM

I am so sorry Orangeblossom.
It sounds to me like your MiL chose not to hear what you communicated to her because she didn't like it. Selective hearing- very common with PDs! She then wrote to you to show you that *she* is making the choice not to hang out with you. She sees this as a preemptive strike: she feels rejected because of what you said to her (unreasonably so, I should add), and to make herself feel in control she turns the tables and says 'look, I rejected you first'. It's childish and petty.

You made yourself very clear and even gave valid reasons for the pause of visits. If she chose not to listen, that's her own problem. Do what you would normally do that day. If she comes, don't answer the door. If she texts to complain tell her 'I told you I won't be available. I am not feeling well'. Don't feel bad: she is the one behaving really badly, not even asking for your health and putting pressure on you.

I should also say that I am not loving your husband's stance. Why doesn't he entertain his mother? Why is it your job? Let him deal with her for once. The fact that your MIL threatened you before with telling you on your husband and that made you panic is not a good sign. He should be firmly on your side! He should be your person.

Orangeblossom77 · January 14, 2026, 04:45:26 PM

Thanks, good plan. On my husband, I think he feels sorry for her and says things like she is 'old and frail'
she is pretty independent and gets around Ok though. Seems feisty to me. Maybe he just doesn't want to deal with it.

You're right I should just do as I like. I wish I had not got involved in the first place.

Note- I just asked him, What are you going to do about your mum at the weekend and he told me it was my problem to deal with. Great.

walking on broken glass · January 14, 2026, 06:04:52 PM

QuoteNote- I just asked him, What are you going to do about your mum at the weekend and he told me it was my problem to deal with. Great.

Well he is wrong because it's not your problem anymore! I hope he enjoys spending time with his mum

Rebel13 · January 14, 2026, 06:20:35 PM

Definitely not your problem! I wouldn't even bring it up, and if you don't want to hear from MIL, you can block or mute her communications.

One thing you might consider is medium chilling the whole thing. It can be a little nerve wracking at first, but once I practiced some of the phrases, I found it's a big relief and even sometimes quite fun to respond calmly and neutrally when someone is trying to get your goat. Some of my favorites:

"That's too bad/That's nice. (You may be surprised how long you can keep a conversation going with those words)."

The cool/bummer/wow triad. Same as above, you can keep up a conversation for a long time with just these three.

I also like "how about that?" and "What do you think you'll do about that?" (The last one works well with cool/bummer/wow.)

One-word answers are great too. "I thought you were going to take MIL out for lunch!" "Nope." "Why not?" (looking back at the medium chill list) "It doesn't work for me." "But BLA BLA BLA BLA!" "I'm sorry to hear that."

My inner seven-year-old is delighted just writing this. I hope you keep prioritizing your desires and your health!

nanotech · January 15, 2026, 08:11:33 AM

I'm sorry you're going though this. She's turned that around on you. It was her who threatened to leave, and that was meant I think to produce some guilt ridden fawning from you. When you quietly called her bluff she took it a notch higher.
The point about her possibly being frail. Well even if she is or if she were to become frail, your need for boundaries are totally valid and should be unaffected. You can be sympathetic at all times, whilst preserving your own self.
Medium chilling is a simple way to hold boundaries and they are difficult to criticise.

Orangeblossom77 · January 17, 2026, 07:23:47 AM

So it is the weekend, husband has gone out, son is going out.

Had a text from MIL can she come round, she "has some gifts and shopping for us."

I said back that she could but I would probably be in bed

"OK I will hope someone answers the bell then"

Medium chill it is then! I will let her in, and then go back to bed.

Orangeblossom77 · January 17, 2026, 07:25:14 AM

Quote from: Orangeblossom77 on January 17, 2026, 07:23:47 AMSo it is the weekend, husband has gone out, son is going out.

Had a text from MIL she is coming round, she "has some gifts and shopping for us." She hopes this is OK.

I said back that she could but I would probably be in bed

"OK I will hope someone answers the bell then"

Medium chill it is then! I will let her in, and then go back to bed.

Orangeblossom77 · January 17, 2026, 10:07:59 AM

Well she has been and went. I let her in and chatted politely about the weather, how busy town was and read a bit of the newspaper she had brought.

I then said I was going to rest now but she was welcome to stay if she wanted and make more coffee etc.

I got a comment then that 'there was no point in sitting all on her own"

which I ignored and went into the bedroom.

walking on broken glass · January 17, 2026, 03:35:18 PM

Well done! You handled this beautifully! You were polite but firm and did not buckle under her passive-aggressive pressure. Hopefully she won't feel like repeating the visit

Orangeblossom77 · January 17, 2026, 04:51:57 PM

Quote from: walking on broken glass on January 17, 2026, 03:35:18 PMWell done! You handled this beautifully! You were polite but firm and did not buckle under her passive-aggressive pressure. Hopefully she won't feel like repeating the visit

Thanks

bloomie · January 17, 2026, 05:17:00 PM

Orangeblossom77 - just catching up here and wanted to give you a huge BRAVO for living out your limits while also staying true to your internal compass in how you spoke to her and treated her. Well done!

If it isn't a party every time with you catering to her by taking her out, entertaining her she may lose interest in time.

Orangeblossom77 · January 18, 2026, 07:17:59 AM

Thanks, yes this is what I am hoping.

1footouttadefog · January 23, 2026, 10:23:35 AM

Keep the boundary es. You will find that she will find new places and people to entertain her.

Amazing your H feels no obligation to be there for her visit. Follow his lead.

Orangeblossom77 · January 31, 2026, 12:38:49 PM

Quote from: bloomie on January 17, 2026, 05:17:00 PMOrangeblossom77 - just catching up here and wanted to give you a huge BRAVO for living out your limits while also staying true to your internal compass in how you spoke to her and treated her. Well done!

If it isn't a party every time with you catering to her by taking her out, entertaining her she may lose interest in time.

Thanks!

Orangeblossom77 · January 31, 2026, 12:45:25 PM

Well, things are continuing here with the grey rock / medium chill and going sort of OK. Had a call in the week and I was in bed, so didn't answer, then got a text that they had tried to call but no answer, they were only calling to ask how I was. Hmm. So I just texted back things were pretty much the same.

Then this weekend had a text that they were 'coming round if that was ok?' so I said that was Ok, we were in (hoping my husband and teen might deal with it)

However husband started muttering about not hanging about and he was hoping to go out. Anyway I talked to her for a bit, the usual, the paper, random chat about people I have never met, but then she started saying things like I 'looked well' and how many times had I been out this week? and that she admires people at the gym, that we should all be getting in our steps etc, and that her friend who is in pain gets out daily.

This seemed to me to be getting at me, as I have an illness which means low energy and I can't get out a lot, and if I do I feel worse after. I have given her details of this.

I was pretty annoyed but tried not to let it show and just changed the subject, then went into the bedroom and she left with my husband.

I guess it just shows that nothing has changed really. Anyway thanks for the support and advice, it means a lot. It isn't easy, especially as the stress can cause flare ups in my illness.

walking on broken glass · February 05, 2026, 05:37:17 AM

I am sorry you are subjected to this. You are dealing with it very well by grey rocking and leaving the room after a while. There's no point in trying to answer her hints and slights. Keep doing what you are doing!

Orangeblossom77 · February 05, 2026, 08:44:38 AM

Thanks. Yes, they are away this week so will have a break this weekend, then will see how things go.
Just got to keep going!

And focusing on how this stuff affects me, as stress can make things worse. In a way it is almost helpful that they are behaving like this, I mean I have no inclination to make an effort to take them out etc when they are being like this (which could add to my illness) I guess looking for the silver lining might help!

In the past (before diagnosis) I have had comments like "this has been going on a long time, what are you going to do about it' (probably getting fed up about me not being as available) so I expect more comments along these lines and more questions about 'if I am better now' which I will just keep medium chilling

Call Me Cordelia · February 05, 2026, 10:50:13 AM

Even if your health does improve (I sincerely hope it does!) that doesn't mean that you must therefore be more available to your in-laws! It's very telling how they are only bothered by your poor health insofar as it is inconvenient to them.

walking on broken glass · February 06, 2026, 05:28:27 AM

Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on February 05, 2026, 10:50:13 AMEven if your health does improve (I sincerely hope it does!) that doesn't mean that you must therefore be more available to your in-laws! It's very telling how they are only bothered by your poor health insofar as it is inconvenient to them.

If you don't feel like confronting them directly, you can always say you are very unwell, even when you feel better. If exaggerating your illness makes it easier for you to deal, don't feel bad about doing it. Remember that these people do not really care about you.