First Post

[Doglover95]

Hi,

I've recently joined and don't really know what to say.

I guess I'll explain my experiences.

So for reference I'm 30 years old and only child.

So I grew up in a house with my mom and I saw my dad every other weekend.
I didn't know any different then what I grew up with.

I remember when I was younger that my mom would fall asleep on the sofa with a glass of wine by her side (she swears blind this didn't happen)

It was always a strict house, I wasn't allowed to do certain things, couldn't do things during the week

As I got older I noticed things that were different but I didn't know what to do, I would regularly get grounded for something I didn't do, someone stated I kicked them under the table, I didn't do this yet my mom didn't believe me and grounded me anyway.

I was limited in what friends houses I could go too, I wasn't allowed to go to the school I wanted. I always had to tell my mom where I was or where I was going and who with.

I lost my dad at 12 and that's when I realised that my mom wasn't right, she would tell me "your dad didn't even want you", she would yell at me and make plans for me, I would get snide remarks (I cut my hair short) and I got "you look like a dyke". "Why can't you be like so and so".

Anything and everything would cause an argument for her, I didn't do the dishwasher that's my fault, I cooked my own dinner that's my fault I didn't cook for her.

I told her that something happend to me as a kid and she went "it was an accident it didn't happen like that" like it was my fault.

As I got older all this continued, I would get pushed into things, I remember barricading myself in my room to keep her out, I would cry all the time, it was walking on egg shells constantly.

Then I turned 18 and she was upset she couldn't control me, but I would still get you can't do this or you can't do that, then it was "well I pay rent money which is 600 a month so you need to pay 600 a month and if not there's the door" I felt I didn't have much of a choice in a lot of things.

She would tell me what jobs I could or couldn't go for, she went through my room and through my post to find I applied for a job.

I finally moved out, but she's still trying to control me, I try to limit contact as much as possible and try to spend as little time with her as possible. I've been told before to break contact with her, but I only have one parent left it hits a bit different.

I mean there's probably more I've missed but that's alot right now.

And if you've made it this far, thanks for reading

[walking on broken glass]

Hi doglover,

I was reading your story and was so relieved when I got to the part where you moved out! This and limiting contact are the best things you could do for yourself. Now that you have gained some distance from your mum, you can start exploring in greater depth the dynamics of your relationship in order to get insights into your present life - for instance, unhelpful patterns and behaviours that have been ingrained into you from a young age because of your unhealthy upbringing, and what you can do to change them. Do you have access to therapy? A good therapist would help you unpack all this. You have done a lot of important work already by recognising the disordered aspects of your mum's behaviour and distancing yourself from her. In cases such as these, there is a strong impulse, that often feels like a moral obligation, to help, change or rescue the person. The sooner you realize this is not feasible, the quicker you will move towards making positive changes in *your own* instead of your mum's life.

[Doglover95]

Yeah I've already figured out that I can't change her, I mean everything is still my fault even though I don't live at home anymore but whatever I'm used to it.

I'm currently going through other struggles and waiting for access to support from services

[LavenderLime]

Hi Doglover95 -
Glad you found this forum and hope you find some support and tools for your healing.
I can relate to some of the things you wrote about and didn't know how damaging my mother was until I was in my 30s. I was an only child, divorced parents and she had the weird, controlling rules to follow. Mine was a little more subtle about it and I wasn't the "cause" for her problems but she looked to me as "the only light in her life" . Quite a lot to live up to for any child. As long as I was doing what she wanted, things were fine, I guess. As I grew up and became more independent, I started to change and wasn't doing what she wanted. She got more desperate to hold on to that control when I moved out and she still tried to treat me like I was 14. She still tries, but it doesn't have as much effect on me as it used to. The tools I've learned about here, the resources and reading others' posts have helped me so much. I still struggle with people pleasing and boundaries, but working on it.
So, I encourage you to keep reading and learning to develop your skills while you are waiting on services. Know you are not alone.  Wishing you peace