Resilient AF video on “why do they stay”

[MaxedOut]

Some of you may be familiar with Synful/Resilient AF from somewhat silly but illustrative role play reels on relationships with narcissists. She did a longer video prompted by a question on why people stay in these relationships. The details are somewhat resonant/somewhat not to me given NPD vs my frame of reference from LTR and marriage to someone with BPD (and it's a bit "perfect narc" formula). I like the overall journey experience explanation though and lest part on how this typically affects the partner.

I feel like I've done a lot of work on shame/understanding of how and why I stayed but there is still a lot there. At many pivotal decision points I did not feel good about things but agreed (verbal and emotional abuse plus disregulation that often escalated to self harm play a part there... but still hard to... look back at my pieces).

Perspective like this helps (the flavor/texture is different than BPD, but the change over time is and gaslighting and such is spot on)
https://www.facebook.com/reel/1625638968811353/?fs=e&fs=e

[bloomie]

Thank you, MaxedOut! I will take a look at this resource. I am one who has chosen to stay in a LTR and I could use perspective around the long term impact.

[1footouttadefog]

I have been pondering this long term impact ide for myself of late.

I am largely disengaged emotionally.  However there are still daily annoyances and the facts of living as a caretaker to a mentally challenged person with early dementia.

I still struggle with caring too much and trying to fix things.  I have to remind myself that he has choices and he can keep the rewards of such and it's not my fault.

Example.  My PDH will do nothing to entertain himself aside from TV.  I recently added spectrum so he would have more to watch as he has become interested in doind so.  Every hour he spends watching TV is a blessing, really.  He won't read books, do any arts or crafts, yard work, hobby or any kind, nothing. He is like a vampire that can only feed off of attention from other people.

I will feel sorry for him and tempted to stop what I am working on to take him out even when he has already had an outing with a neighbor to get lunch or something. 

There is an underlying stress about and wanting to fix it. I am getting better and have resumed one of my hobbies and have adjusted some friendships of late and things like that.  I still wonder what the long term is doing.

I know I am at a place where my health will suffer if I don't become more strict about eating and exercise.  He dealt loves fast food.  I had to put my foot down and say that I do not want fast food and he is diabetic and d9esent need it any way and going out twice a week with the neighbor is enough.

I then reminded him that hamburger steaks and friends are on the menu at the other better places we go once a week.  This week he ordered hamburger steak and two orders of fries at the Italian restaurant.  (The fries looked amazing, sigh)

I am trying to take back even more autonomy so my health is not impacted by his preferences and demands.   

 

[MaxedOut]

With my ex food was a huge deal. I'm a good cook but can't hazard a guess at the number of times she got angry at a meal I made (often calling it disgusting, maybe throwing a full dish in the sink, furiously ordering food or going to bed early, then..
 often really enjoying the same food the next day as leftovers!).

She also had a pretty significant delivery ordering habit that could be financially huge at times, and of course was not typically healthy food. To protect my health and our finances I just started to pass on that rather than try to convince her we should eat in or try and find healthier menu options.

If she wanted fast food or whatever, it's her body. She was (presumably still is) experiencing health issues related to diet. I could make healthy options, get healthy foods, encourage things, but ultimately I can't control anyone else and she would take stuff out on me.

Same with doing things I like and maintaining friendships. I had isolated so much and stopped doing all sorts of things I like. I made space for those and other than some initial blowback, my ex did get used to that and I think came to see it positively.

We have one precious life.

I was significantly worsening mine with caregiving and receiving abusive treatment and it felt like I was living as a moon in orbit of her life. I spent so much mental and emotional energy focused on her (plus doing most housework, bills, working, etc.).

I made the decision, that whether within the relationship or outside of it, I am responsible for my own happiness and well-being. I am half of the equation of decisions and enabling that got the relationship and my life to the point it was at. So I needed to pay attention to my side of the street.

Ultimately, me getting healthy (emotionally, physically, mentally) and creating the space for my interests, relationships, and simply rest time from a few years of burnout was something I was mostly able to do within the relationship. It also caused conflict though the abusive lashing out was mostly why I chose to leave (that and reprioritizing my life as important and setting boundaries certainly did make me see how stifled and stressed things were and would be regardless).

Anyway, I would say do what you need to do for you! Create and strengthen those connections with others. Invite him to do stuff but don't let his reluctance keep you from doing things. One precious life.