Family friend asking me to rescue my mom and I just can’t

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think my point of this post is that I am feeling challenged about remaining in a position of self-protective distance versus feeling urged to jump into my family's self-created problem and fix it.

There is a potential for the golden child being exposed for wrong doing which is especially enticing. However, I am 65 / 35 with remaining in a position that I did not create the problem and it is not mine to fix at the likely cost of my own emotional equilibrium.

The current issue is a recent call from a friend of my mother's who stated she is concerned about the care my mom is receiving in memory care at her assisted living facility. My sister, mom's golden child, is the power of attorney. I have no official responsibility in decisions made about my mother's care. Her facility never reaches out to me to coordinate her care.

I am no contact with my sister for years. I am VLC with mom. I have not seen any obvious sign of mistreatment, but have noticed a few things that I thought my sister should have addressed if she were engaged and interested.

My mother's friend has called me a couple times in the last six months with concerns. It validates some of my ruminating questions.

I feel like my parents decided who they wanted as the POA and now the impact of that decision (good or bad) is coming back around. As my parents health was declining the last couple years, this friend never contacted me. It seems she only contacted me recently because she expects I will jump in and fix whatever might be wrong. She literally told me she wished I knew a good lawyer. I told her I know if I engage in a legal process with my sister that the emotional toll of the conflict will be too much for me to endure. She just said it was too bad because my mom is paying the price.

Actually, I would pay the price. My mom's friend cannot understand the family dynamics. I am starting to find her repeated pleas disturbing.

I think my mother's health issues are indeed getting worse. My mom may be in her final weeks. Any thoughts on how I handle this? Any thoughts on what to tell my mom's friend if or when I talk to her again?

Thanks.

[xredshoesx]

I see no issue with you sharing your sister's contact information and suggesting that she contact her as you do not have POA.

whatever you decide to do, protect YOUR PEACE.

[SaintBlackSheep]

Even if you did accept this flying monkey at her word, there's not much influence you could wield without POA. I agree with the above post about giving her your sister's contact info. "Oh wow, that's terrible! Thank you for bringing all of this to my attention, but my SISTER is the one who has POA and whom the nursing home communicates with. There's really nothing I can do." It's the truth. The only thing you COULD do is get all upset, which is what flying monkeys are for.

[Liketheducks]

Wow....the flying monkeys be flying.   

Not your monkey, not your circus.   Refer her to the POA.   You have no control here.   This person has been recruited to pot stir.  If she is legitimately concerned that there is mistreatment going on, she'll be quick to reach out to your sister.   If not, this wasn't a problem to begin with.   

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you Redshoes, Saint and Ducks.

Everything you noted makes sense to me.

My mom's friend said she does not want to address these concerns directly with my sister because she does not want her to get angry with her and prevent her from seeing my mother. It is just so hard to see someone cower to an assumed perpetrator of wrong-doing while it seems she is vilifying an innocent individual on the sideline for not jumping in.

My parents chose this one daughter of theirs to be their trustee successor. I was the executor of their will until three years ago when my dad informed me he also had just assigned that role to my sister. Around the same time he threatened to legally cut me off unless my attitude changed. I believed his actions were all just to punish me for not "falling in line". My parents literally put all their eggs in the basket of their one daughter.

I am fairly certain my sister is not up for the tasks. The friend's calls just stressed me out. Reviewing this with you helped me realize I still know I cannot sacrifice myself to this. Thanks.

[moglow]

My mom's friend said she does not want to address these concerns directly with my sister because she does not want her to get angry with her and prevent her from seeing my mother.

... And yet, presumably aware of your relationship with them, the friend thought you were the one to address her concerns? All you can honestly do is gently remind her that your parents were very clear in their choice of POA and your hands are firmly tied.

To me it seems yet another situation where a well meaning person doesn't (can't) see what's right in their face. I kind of envy that "it can't be *that* bad with your family" viewpoint, but it doesn't change our realities.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thanks Moglow. Good point. She cannot or will not see what is in front of her face. I know she is not open to realizing my mom created the conditions she is now experiencing. Conditions that she created from several decisions made over a lifetime.
 
I guess I sort of envy that too because it means these people never had to confront and sort through these dynamics.

[moglow]

A long time friend has listened (a lot!) to me grouse about mother's performances. She told me not long ago that she doesn't feel she has a right to complain, given when I've survived with mine. She's been very clear, doesn't know why any of us have anything to do with mother at all. And even more sad, this friend only knows part of it, what I been willing to talk about.

[JR]

im in a somewhat similar situation, my brother who IS the golden child had a very severe stroke where he is incapacitated and cannot speak or remember anything pre-stroke,  my mother has been made the POA self elected person who herself has NPD IMO also. at that time I made it quite clear to my mother and sister(enabler) that i want nothing to do with this situation involving him, and left it there. in these families they expect family members need to circle the wagons around this situation and i said no way. I would stick to your guns and keep these people away from you, especially after the treatment and abuse these people had done to you in the past, which im very sure has had some negative impacts in your adult life at no fault of yours. I think your doing the right thing differing any concerns the moms frirnd about your moms care to the one who has the POA your sis, these narcs want the power but dont want to take the consequences of their hideous behavior and bad decisions.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thanks Moglow and JR for sharing your views. It helps a lot with processing what seems like a big ball of spaghetti.

It is likely my mom is close to her end of life. She is elderly, but good grief, the person she (and dad) agreed to make their decisions for them at this time has just shown repeatedly to fumble the ball in epic fashion.

I do think what I might be witnessing here is people struggling with consequences of decisions they thought would allow them to be in control. This is the first time anyone from outside the family ever noticed something is 'not right' about my sister. In some odd way, I suppose it might be something sort of validating. But, ya, I'm still not jumping in. Thanks.


 

[Call Me Cordelia]

You can take that validation, validate what this family friend sees and is sensing about the futility/danger of engaging your sister directly, and still not jump to the rescue. That sounds really hard but I think you've really got a handle on the situation.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thanks, Cordelia. I think that is what this is about for me ... getting or keeping a reasonable handle on these situations and keeping a grip on my own sanity as emotions rise and I feel I want to take it all on.

It is also about the ability to see what I can and cannot change and realizing the absolute futility of engaging with a goal of reaching any beneficial outcome.

[1footouttadefog]

I am imagining that the neighbor and long time recipient of delicious narc supply from a narc is having a hard time with seeing her friend in decline. She wants it fixed. 

People are often in denial about another's end of life health decline and want to blame it on the food, or the care, or the medicine, or the sheets or or or.

It's hard to watch a long time friend or relative decline.  She wants and hopes you can jump in and make something change for the better.

In reality, it's likely a situation that will not change one way or another. You can be certain neither your mother or your sister will change. 

If you have concerns you could call and speak with the home or forward the concerns in an email.  In the mean time professionals are managing your mother's care with her chosen supervision, your sister and POA overseeing it all.

You can remain in the position your mother and sister placed you in, without guilt

Be at peace. I am sorry your mother's is declining, I am glad she is in a safe place and being cleaned and fed and having her clothes and sheets changed.     

[countrygirl]

Hi Bluberry Pancakes,

I am always heartened by all of the great responses people give here.  In fact, I can't add anything in the way of advice, but wanted to tell you that this post really tugged at my emotions. 

I went through a similar situation when my father was in his decline. These busybodies often don't grasp that the children are already in emotional turmoil, even those who've had bad relationships with their parents are enduring the life changing experience of knowing their parent is near death. And none of the friends  really know the family dynamics which have resulted in the current situation, yet they don't hesitate to step in and tell you what to do!

You are so wise not to contemplate getting into a legal dispute!  That is the last thing you need.  I received that suggestion too.

Ifootouttadefog is correct to wish you peace, and to observe that your mother is being cared for.  And Ifooutouttadefog is also correct about friends often not being able to deal with the decline.  One of my father's friends approached my father's caretaker several weeks AFTER his funeral, and said, "I'm still not satisfied."  He actually criticized the care he had received.  The caretaker replied, "He was nearly one hundred years old.  How long did you think he was going to live?"  That friend has since passed, at a much younger age.

I think that's the thing to remember too:  This too shall pass.  Emotions are high now.  You will make it through.  The fact that you didn't even consider hiring a lawyer tells me that your self-protective impulses are working well.  When the time comes, may your mother rest in peace.  And may you live in peace!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you 1Foot and Countrygirl.

I like the aspect of "remaining in the position my mother and sister placed me in without guilt". I also agree that this longtime friend was indeed a longtime source of narc supply for my mother and she is likely grieving the decline of a friend wanting to have someone fix it. She has mentioned small details of my mother's care that concern her, but in reality, my mother has COPD and is in the final stages which nobody can fix.
 
My focus is on 'my goal' for myself which is peace in my life. It has remained consistent throughout such turbulent conditions. Fighting with a lawyer, challenging POA, dissecting suspected negligence on my sister's part, and jumping to the rescue of someone who put me last just does not feel like a good step for me.   

When I wipe away the emotional aspects of this, I see what I am clear on.

Thank you for understanding. It helps more than I can say.