Problems with choosing partners as a person with PDparents

[Therivercontinueson]

Hi all - I grew up with an Nmom and Ndad, with siblings exhibiting similar traits. I won't get into details, but I trust you understand when I say how damaging their behavior was in my life, causing CPTSD and all kinds of ailments. I am in my 30's now, and I went NC 2.5 years ago, which was definitely the right choice for me and my life. However, I realise that in my current relationship, I feel the same way I felt as a kid, as my partner, whether he intends it or not, is exhibiting similar behaviours as my parents did.

My partner is autistic, which I thought had explained some of our "missing each other moments" in the past, which we would previously discuss and work out. But for the past year, his behavior has become really strange: he is consistently emotionally dismissive and invalidating, tells me I am a bad person and his bad moods are my fault, engages in DARVO any time I try to bring up a concern/complaint, looks at me with disgust/contempt, gets offended at any of my hurt feelings, rejects any and all intimacy with me, constantly complains about me and others, and never tries to adjust these behaviors, but says he is entitled to them as he says he is now "unmasking".

I saw little glimpses of these things over the past 6 years, but it was really generally a good relationship for about 5 years, and we communicated more often about any misunderstandings. Things changed last year when he had an intense year with work and family, and it all starting coming out as a daily occurrence, I suppose due to autistic burnout - but he is now a completely different person than the one I knew for 5 years, and it doesn't look like it's going to change any time soon.

The biggest issue currently is that 9 months ago I became incredibly ill with an autoimmune disease, was hospitalised over 10 times, and there were moments I thought I might die, as no one could figure out what was wrong with me while I continued to get sicker and sicker. My heart, nervous system, lungs, brain and stomach were all affected, and I became disabled. He was not caring outside of a few select moments, and did not adjust to help me when when I asked, complained that he had to waste time at the hospital, got angry at me for needing help walking/eating/showering, continued to travel for work while I was hospitalised, and continued to engage in the negative behaviours I listed above - saying he is just being honest and no longer "catering to my emotions".

Unfortunately, this has been an extremely difficult position to be in for me. 1, because he is being very uncaring and rude and I am triggered all the time with my own CPTSD by the specific behaviours he is doing which are really out of line. And 2, because he tells me that I cannot be upset at these behaviors because they come from his autism, which I feel is really unfair. I have ADHD myself so I understand what being neurodivergent is like, but I don't use it as an excuse if someone says my behavior hurt their feelings - and I don't think he should either. He doesn't treat anyone but me this way.

On top of the illness, we work in the same field and he has been incredibly successful in it this year while I have been getting sicker. We applied to the same prestigious opportunity yesterday and he got an interview for it but I didn't. Before I could congratulate him, he sent me a meme on Instagram, which was making fun of how companies write rejection letters (one of which I just received from the opportunity an hour prior). I told him it was a bit insensitive, and he got offended that I "would even think that", became sarcastic, and said I always make it all about myself. He has now not spoken to me for two days.

I guess why I am posting this here is that leaving a partner is really hard when coming from an Nfamily and when having CPTSD. My family was enmeshed as well, which I feel has made it even harder for me to be able to separate myself from bad relationships. I even started to believe when he said I am a bad person, and realize that I kept trying to bend over backwards and change my behaviors to not set him off. Unfortunately, this means repressing very basic needs and emotions, such as wanting closeness, support, and understanding - and making myself incredibly small. It has gotten to a point that I have started telling myself I don't need sex in a relationship, or someone to be with me while I am potentially dying at the hospital. I even get surprised when a friend compliments me on my personality - like I don't even see those qualities in myself anymore.

I am struggling with how I let myself get into this position again. When I went NC, I felt I had "figured it out", and I wouldn't let people who act that like into my life. I was very disappointed in myself to find I am once again, in this situation. I feel I can't trust myself to judge people accurately, and am starting to blame myself a bit. My previous intimate relationships were even worse, and I felt this time I had chosen better. At the same time, I do feel better knowing that I can leave - I just got my own apartment (and am moving out tomorrow), have two well paying jobs, and friends to help me. Additionally, I was able to start treatment for my disease and am slowly improving. Of course, this is all different than being a helpless child. And, people change. I suppose I chose a more stable person in the beginning, and he's just showing this side now, 6 years in, which means I can always make the decision, again, to leave.

If anyone has any advice, thoughts, or similar experiences, I'd be open to hearing it. How do you date, or choose partners? How do you know when to leave? I posted this here rather than in the SO thread, as it feels like it relates more to that fact I had Nparents that is affecting my personal relationships as an adult. Many thanks.

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry, the river. My heart goes out to you. I recognize so much of myself in what you have written, and how I felt when I was with my ex boyfriend. Back then I was in touch with my PD family, but I was aware of the problems and was trying to maintain a more detached, cooler relationship. My boyfriend, who I now know had narcissistic traits, behaved in a similar fashion to me, especially the last couple of years we were together (out of a total 6). He was always self-centred but he started to blatantly ignore my needs and berate me for having any, was getting more and more frustrated and aggressive when I called him out on stuff, and was gaslighting me that I don't show enough patience with his 'illness' (he fancied himself suffering from all sorts of imaginary physical ailments but of course refused to see a therapist). He was also in the same line of work as I was, and was petty and competitive with me. I knew I was being patient, compliant and forgiving, but only when I finally broke up with him I realized the full impact this relationship had on me and on my growth; how small I had made myself, how scared I was of occupying space and having (absolutely normal and reasonable) wants and needs! I can so hear all of this in your message. Please be kind to yourself. You had to face all this while you were ill and scared and vulnerable. I am so glad that your health is now improving and that you have the means to sustain yourself. How amazing that you got your own apartment! This will allow you the space you need to regulate your nervous system, grow and thrive. Trust your gut and what it says to you: this person is not good for you. And please do not beat yourself up: you went into this relationship with an open heart and so much to give, and for a while you were getting things in return. You had no way of knowing that your partner would develop into another version of your PD parents. But you can see the signs and you can trust how they make you feel. The sooner you get out of this relationship the quicker the healing will begin.

One thing I have realized regarding the PD journey is that will never have everything absolutely figured out. Not because I am inadequate or deficient in some way, but because it is impossible: we constantly learn from our relationships with other people and our systems keeps updating with new information, that we can then use to deal with what life throws our way. When you feel more secure and safe, you can dissect your relationship (ideally with the help of a therapist) to see what it is that you wished you had known sooner and how you would have acted differently in certain instances. But you will do this only to make yourself feel stronger and more self aware, not to chastize yourself. In the end, all painful experiences are opportunities for growth, even though it is very hard for us to treat them like this in the moment.

[Liketheducks]

Whew....yes.   But, maybe not in the same way that you're experiencing.   I think we tend to recreate parent/child relationships in our romantic lives.   I think familiarity, even if it isn't healthy, can sometimes feel like safety.    Before getting married, I dated clones of my dad.   Bad boys who struggled with addiction.    When I met my husband,  he was the antithesis of that.   Where as my parents were/are big on huge demonstrative acts of love that feel disingenuous....my husband is very quiet and reserved when it comes to those big things, but when he does them, I know they mean more...if you follow me.    When I met my now husband, it was terrifying.   He wasn't familiar.   

I think it is good to spend some time just on your own, getting in touch with who you are as an adult, and learning what you find attractive and why.   

I'm sorry you're struggling with this.