Seeking moral support on a post-divorce issue

[Poison Ivy]

Hello. I've been divorced since 2016. My ex has anxiety and depression and probably has avoidant or dependent personality disorder or both.

One of our children is getting married this year. There will be two ceremonies: one in a different state (where our child resides) and one in a different country (because she and her fiance want to have a fancy wedding!). Ex and I have been invited to both. Our child will be deeply disappointed if we don't attend. I'm entirely on board. Ex is ghosting us about attendance and travel plans. I feel some responsibility to try to get him to the ceremonies, but even only thinking about trying to communicate with him (he hasn't responded to several messages this month) makes my stomach turn.

Any suggestions for how I can get through this ordeal? Thank you.

[MaxedOut]

I have no children so shaker of salt on my take. Why do you feel some responsibility for getting him there a decade after divorce? I know we get super entrenched in being the one handling this stuff while in the relationship - is it maybe from being used to that role? Is your child asking for you to reach out?

And if having some responsibility, is communicating directly the best option? It feels like that gets real sticky and potentially pretty loaded for both of you (as opposed to other family members reaching out or letting him work through his stuff)? Like it could make attendance and low-drama less likely?

If there are potential assumptions worries you think your ex may have that could be soothed, maybe just addressing those with your child so it's out there and shareable in their communications? Like that you hope he attends, want everyone there to support and celebrate, priority is child and fiancée, etc.

And, *if* you are amenable and think there may be some logistic needs, that you are willingness to balance/accommodate needs (unsure what that looks like 10 years post divorce but may be some minor events to divvy or accommodation considerations). And if that's the case, is it better to communicate directly or via someone other than your child (who likely has enough planning)? Maid of Honor/Best Man, aunts/uncles, wedding planners, other siblings are often tasked with this type of interference running/arranging. It was a main MoH role for me in one instance (I even had anti-anxiety meds in my purse for the mother of the bride in case!).

If it's more depression/anxiety and the interactions are ok, does open ended questions, like "what does support look like?" help? As fraught as many things were with my ex, even when she was disregulating, that  often helped ground things and the answer was usually simpler than the stuff I'd otherwise try/do/say in attempts to keep stuff going ok

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you for the response. "Does open ended questions, like "what does support look like?" help? As fraught as many things were with my ex, even when she was disregulating, that  often helped ground things and the answer was usually simpler than the stuff I'd otherwise try/do/say in attempts to keep stuff going ok." This is especially helpful. I need to ground things for my ex.

I don't mind communicating with him; it bugs me when he doesn't respond. I know he has a hard time getting stuff done, and I'm willing to nudge him about things like applying for a passport, buying plane tickets, and so on, and I'm willing to help him. But I also resent his passivity.

Even with all these things, my daughter wants him at the weddings, and I want him there, too. My other daughter might help with the nudging, but we're the only ones. Unfortunately, he has no friends that I'm aware of. He's 71, lives alone in the house where he grew up, hasn't dealt with his parents' estate even though they both died 6 years ago, etc., etc.

My daughters are entirely aware of their father's condition and situation. I don't know how long I should wait to tell the one who's getting married that my efforts to get her father to the weddings might be unsuccessful.

[Poison Ivy]

Whatever I do or don't do in this situation, I will be wrong: If I help my ex, I'm codependent or an enabler; if I don't help, I'm heartless. If my ex goes to the wedding, he'll be the hero for overcoming his depression and anxiety sufficiently to attend; if my ex doesn't go to the wedding, he'll be the victim of his illnesses.

I'll get through this, just as I've gotten through decades of this same old stuff.

[MaxedOut]

Got it on the nuances more. And why two weddings including one overseas are looking like a lot of support needed. I managed a huge amount of... stuff... with my ex. The amount of time, energy, emotional load, and stress from stuff like this is huge.

I've gone from someone feeling totally burned out for years due to handling most of the things (on top of working and 90% of household tasks) to just managing my own life. And had time and energy and enthusiasm to tackle remodeling projects, lots of time on different hobbies, social reconnections, etc. I knew it would be a major improvement but wowzers. Really puts the drain in perspective. I would feel very similar.


There are still travel agents around, perhaps nailing down specs and letting a travel agent deal with arrangements may take some load off.

And maybe use use some of the tricks of working with less responsive folks from work settings. For example, one substantive convo to nail down needs-tasks and email follow-up summary to document, then comms more like "Reminder the last day to safely get a passport is next Wednesday. Unless I hear you need some help, I'll assume you are on too of it!" Or "Booking rooms and will reserve a single for you. If that doesn't work, be sure to let me know by Thursday." 

But drawing some lines on repeat reminders/nudges for your own sanity and maybe looping in non- ride daughters, so you both know you provided support and it did or didn't work but not yours to "own."

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, MaxedOut, for the responses and the empathy.

[Poison Ivy]

I called my ex yesterday, and he didn't pick up. I left a message. I called today, and he did pick up. One thing that helped me endure the phone calls was forcing my face into a smile before I dialed. One communication at a time, I guess.