Unsure

[Who Knows?]

Hi. First post. I've been learning and unlearning a lot of things recently. I haven't had the best life, and I haven't turned into such a great person...yet. I guess. I've been diving pretty deep into NPD and BPD, as my parents seem to have some pretty strong traits. I was abused physically and emotionally as a kid, have dealt with some pretty severe depression, have some significant trauma yet to be dealt with. The thing is... I think I've maybe been wrong about a lot of aspects of myself.

If hypothetically, my parents have personality disorders, then there's a good chance I myself also have a lot of those traits right? I've had just about the lowest self-esteem a person could have for themselves for a long time. But that itself might be a kind of reverse grandiosity. I have this really strong disdain for prideful or arrogant people. For those inconsiderate of others. I have a strong sense of justice, seeing suffering of any kind deeply bothers me. These things might be because they are the parts of myself that I've buried so deep within that I cannot bear to admit that these kinds of people aren't that different from me. That at times I'm not really that considerate of others, that if I believe myself to be right I can cause immense harm. And I have. I may have unconsciously become the kind of person I hate the most. I've come to a lot of realizations, and I've come to a lot of unrealizations. In refusing to consciously deal with absolutes in regards to meaning and the nature of the world, I may have become inflexible and made an absolute of my own. I don't know myself anymore. I don't think I really know that much about myself. I find it very hard to trust my words or my thoughts. I have no idea whose they really are, mine or my parents.

Thanks for listening. I think I appreciate it. Maybe. Maybe anyone who's just as confused as I am can see this and make some sense of themselves.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @Who Knows?

never underestimate the power of the word yet.

i grew up in a similar abusive situation- for many years, even after I went fully NC with my biological mother, I was still making everything my fault in my head bc as a child that was what I was trained to do- to be the doormat and the scapegoat and to always be the one who had to be wrong. 

when we emulate some of our parents' negative behaviors we call it having fleas- because it's a cycle that takes some time to break.

for me, I was put into therapy as part of the family reunification process when my biological mother got custody of me back and had another course to get help after being sexually assaulted at work but I didn't actively start using the tools until I had to 'experience' therapy as part of my grad school program (they wanted the students in my discipline to experience the counseling process) and continued more on here over the past 15 years.  it's been a day to day, sometimes even hour to hour process of rebuilding my life and learning to parent myself.

here are some toolbox articles that may help you start finding your center in your own terms vs the ones you've been assigned by your family

https://outofthefog.website/what-it-feels-like

https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/fleas

when you are ready to share more, we're listening

[Who Knows?]

Thank you for the reply and welcome Red. The resources were helpful. I know it's gonna take a long time, I've been in just about every kind of treatment or therapy that exists. This past year I've been bouncing around living with different family members, because of that lightbulb moment thing. Had it just after I was released from a psych ward, actually. In South Carolina, living with my mother at the time. My mother censored my internet, we had a fight over it, then I went to a bridge and she called the cops on me. I had decided I wasn't gonna jump and was leaving when they arrived. My mom was acting very strange when I got out, as if I was still in the ward. "Panic, NOT manic", she told me.

She'd cleaned every article of clothing I owned while I was in, was cleaning the condo she owns but I live in the whole time. Threw out some of my stuff because it was "negative", and commanded me to remove any and all "negative" aspects of my life. Her behavior became intolerable and eventually when I couldn't bite my tongue anymore I made a list of possible reasons she's BPD, events from my entire life, and showed them to my brother. He admonished me for it, and I guess snitched to her as well. It's my "manifesto" that she loves to shove in my face now. Later I called her BPD and some other things I'm not proud of which I know now was not a good idea, and a week later I was back in that same ward because she went through my private journal and told the police I was gonna kill her. I had had enough and was just gonna walk out with a bag and my dog when the police came. No one of importance in the ward listened when I said I shouldn't be there for the reasons they were told, though some nurses and students agreed with me.

Fast forward two weeks to my release, my abusive father flies back up from Mexico where he fled with his shiny new girlfriend. I don't like him, but I was desperate and allowed myself to believe he had changed. He's worse. Much worse. He drove to me to Kansas, said things were gonna be great now. Had to live with him four months, so scared of him I had to actively hype myself up to leave my room. Eventually there got to be a real chance he was gonna get violent, as he was throwing things and crashing around during his temper tantrums. Acting extremely erratic and concerning. 

So now I'm at my grandparents, who are really not much different. My grandfather is very similar to my father, and my grandmother to my mother. I didn't want to come, my father had already come apart at the seams and was potentially dangerous but I knew going to my grandparents wasn't good either so I just stayed and tried not to anger him as much as I could.

Now that I'm here I've been called lazy, that I don't want to get better, that I just need to get over them being inconsiderate of me, no one really cares how you feel, etc by my grandparents. If I'm not at 110% efficiency at all times, it is equated to 0 effort at all. I've been ahamed in front of the entire family group chat how awful I am, how untrustworthy I am, how I just use my autism as an excuse to be lazy.

My whole life has been micromanaged to the tee at a time when I really need some peace. I haven't been able to eat much because being around them causes me so much distress. My grandmother got mad when I ate the things she needs to per doctor's orders, despite never telling me. She wrote me a note complaining about then threw it away.

So I keep to myself, which has also made them paranoid of me. My mother sent her car from SC for me to use, and there's an AirTag tracker in it I wasn't told about. I assume she put my grandfather up to it, as she wasn't here physically when it was first activated. I can hear him going outside sometimes to sync his phone to it and see where I've gone. Told my grandmother this, she said she'd keep it a secret, and she told the whole family I'm "pissed at him for something he never even did".

Voicing my needs doesn't do anything. Putting up boundaries gets me scorn. I'm treated like a mentally incompetent child at 25, and I wouldn't be surprised if my mother has an emergency guardianship over me I wasn't told of. My mental health history and her unconscious manipulation of the legal system wouldn't make it hard. It's suffocating, being demanded to accept help that just hurts me when I'm already hurting.

I'm going to a mental health facility Wednesday to get away from them and address my issues that haven't been addressed. In this environment my growth is extremely hindered. I'm hoping that's the right choice, because I certainly can't stay here but can't support myself financially yet.