Struggling with narc elderly mum's behaviour

[sunset123]

My mum hasn't spoken to me in over a week (more about that in a minute). She is narcissistic and is my dad's primary carer. My dad has dementia, almost zero mobility, double incontinence and the last 9 years has been an exhausting, continual cycle of stubborness and refusing everything that would help them  .

Here it is in bullet points:

* My dad started to lose his mobility 9 years ago but they chose to live in their semi-detached house among steep hills, with a steep path and steps to front door, no downstairs loo and not near amenities. They could have moved as was a bought house and have money. They also have a long running neighbour feud which I believe is partner their stubborness and decision to stay. Until my dad stopped driving last year his only way out the street was in his car, as he hadn't been able to walk up his street for 8 years. I have to listen to my mum continually moaning about all the hills, the steep path, the stairs in house being dangerous, and she refuses taxis. She registered with MyBus and moaned endlessly for the 5 weeks it took to be registered. She hasn't used it once. She just wanted to moan.
My dad is practically housebound, and only goes to day centre once weekly, and sometimes can't go because he can't go down the path. My mum still insists on living there and sees no issues. Obviously too late now to move, especially with dementia, but there's no accountability for not making sensible decisions.

* When my dad first developed urine incontinence, refused incontoninence pads and everywhere we went had to be near a toilet and even thought it was okay once to openly pee at side of path as he couldn't walk further behind the bushes to be hidden. Nobody walked past thankfully but my mum claimed "well he's an old man, people would understand).

* At first, refused a walking stick and he'd be grabbing onto walls, etc. Even after a disastrous day out, STILL didn't get a walking stick.

* Refused walking frame and attended family funerals with me having to hold him up and judgemental remarks from other people with him falling all over the place.

* He now has an indoor walking frame in the house, but she rants endlessly about it saying "it nearly trips her up"

* I went in holiday with them last year and it was 3 days of hell. Refused to take a wheelchair and my dad couldnt walk, we ended up not being able to do anything and spent first day sitting in a pub/restaurant and him falling about everywhere when on his feet. He also threw tantrums at night refusing to go to bed.

* She refuses to believe he has dementia, despite his tantrums, personality change and him thinking there are rooms in the house that don't exist.

* Despite having had 2 events in recent years, nothing is in place at all for if she goes into hospital.

* My mum refuses to get carers or allow a care assessment despite her clearly not coping. Goes off in bitter rants at the.dropnof a hat, and can barely get out herself because my dad needs 24/7 care (but she goes out anyway). Gets sarcastic when carers are suggested.

My mum uses me as an emotional crutch constantly complaining and refusing things to help. She has recently started suggesting I sit with my dad to let her go out and suggesting "she gets no help".(while receiving no outside help anywhere else). I work and have 3 kids, 2 of whom are on autism spectrum and are starting high school this year. She seems to think I should drop everything to help despite having done nothing to help herself.

Now, a family member had a health scare last week which set my mum over the edge. And myself. She moaned for 20 minutes to me on phone the day the family member was having a serious op (she's 90) and I burst into tears and told my my mum I can't listen to her moaning any longer. She started another moan about something else (a phone call about a power cut thennight before). My voice shook at end of it and she went off the phone like a scolded cat and didn't phone all week. I called her but last week after 2nd argument she told my husband I huffed with HER all week! 

Last weekend I had to leave during a visit as she was spoiling for a fight since I arrived. She went off at me when talking about visiting my relative in hospital, then afterwards denied she said any of it (has history 20 years ago of this so not dementia). My kids witnessed it. My mum then called my husband and 'wanted to put her side of it' forward which was all lies. Apparently 'I flared up and stormed out outnof nowhere! Told my husband she is coping just fine!!

Not heard from her in over a week and I'm not sure how I feel. On one hand, I have had some mental peace from her whining and expectation, but on the other, I am very sad and the thought of anything happening to my dad (or even at a push her, while things are like this) is getting to me as not sure how I'd handle that.

She'll be back in touch with her digs soon as will want to see her grandkids.

I miss my dad but I'm mentally exhausted with it all and totally done.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. Her behaviour sounds similar to that of my uNPD mother. My father does not have dementia but does have health issues and the ranty martyrdom from my mother has to be heard to be believed.

It sounds to me like you have made sensible suggestions that are simply ignored. This will keep happening. I have similar issues and I have simply stopped making suggestions or offering help. Apart from anything else, a sensible suggestion on my part gets twisted into a nonsense problem which I then get blamed for since I was the one who suggested the original idea. I suggest you have a look at the toolbox here and consider things like the grey rock approach.

From your post I am not clear if you and your husband have sat down together and planned a completely united front to present to her. It sounds like she is trying to use your husband as a way to get to you and I think it would be wise to stop that. There is no reason at all for him to have to act as some sort of referee. I am sure he has better things to do.

How do your kids feel about their visits with her? Of course it is important to encourage relationships with family members, even if your own is difficult. But if they find the situation upsetting then there is no reason to subject them to her behaviour regularly (or even at all if it is bad enough). You say she will want to see her grandkids but do they want to see her? I completely disapprove of using children as bargaining power and this is not what I am suggesting. But children are often far more aware of, and affected by, the wider family dynamics. Now you have some mental peace because she is in a huff you might want to consider that aspect if you have not been able to already.

[bloomie]

sunset123 - welcome to the community! You describe living in a no win situation with your parents. The angst when we have aging parents who need to make hard decisions about their ability to live independently, yet refuse to, is a truly hard place to live. I am so sorry this is happening. Your love and care for your parents is evident.

I'm mentally exhausted with it all and totally done.

This is what stood out to me the most from your post. The emotional and mental toll this is taking on you. NarcKiddo has already offered some wise thoughts about how to limit the exposure you have to the dysfunction that is your parents' reality, their choice.

It is a huge shift to begin to see yourself, your life, your family dynamic with your children and husband as separate from your parents, I have found. This kind of daily/weekly drama and risk that your parents are living under and creating is theirs. Your response to their choices, how much you engage and allow this to overtake your peace of mind and hijack your energy, is yours.

Sounds simple, but we all know it is complex and difficult to know what is ours to do and what is not. Do you have support for yourself? Trusted wise friends you can talk things through with? A pastor or spiritual advisor to help bring some balance in how far to engage?

I have found the toolbox here very helpful and the conversations taking place with others who have walked similar paths and get how hard dealing with disordered behaviors is has been important in my own journey.

We come here to step out of the fear, obligation and guilt that has possibly plagued us and from which we have possibly made some very important decisions. Keep coming back and sharing as you are able!

[Tribe16]

Hi Sunset,
The way you describe your mom she is an HRC - a help-rejecting complainer. I can relate because my mom is too. Forgive the AI cut and paste but it has been really helpful for me.
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The specific term for a person who constantly complains but rejects all solutions is a "Help-Rejecting Complainer" (HRC).
Coined by psychiatrist Jerome Frank in the 1950s and frequently cited by psychotherapists (such as Irvin Yalom), this term describes a specific behavioral pattern rather than a formal, clinical diagnosis in the DSM-5.
Here is a breakdown of the behaviors and underlying psychology:

1. The "Help-Rejecting Complainer" (HRC)

The Pattern: They complain incessantly about a problem, but when you offer advice or a solution, they respond with "Yes, but..." and give reasons why it won't work.

The Goal: HRCs are typically not looking for a solution; they are looking for validation, sympathy, and to feel that their situation is uniquely insurmountable.

The Effect: This behavior is toxic to relationships because it leaves the listener feeling frustrated, drained, and "used" as a dumping ground.

2. Underlying Psychological Drivers
While not a recognized mental disorder, this behavior often stems from:
Victim Mentality/Learned Helplessness: A deep-seated belief that they are powerless to change their circumstances.

Need for Validation: They use complaints to secure attention, care, or sympathy.

Negative Affectivity: A tendency to focus on the negative, which can "rewire" the brain to make complaining a habitual response.

Secondary Gain: The, perhaps unconscious, benefit of staying in the "victim" role (e.g., getting attention, avoiding responsibility, receiving pity).

3. Alternative Terms
Chronic Complainer: Someone who finds fault in everything and often finds satisfaction in the drama of the complaint.

Chronic Victim: A person who sees themselves as constantly being wronged and rejects the idea of taking personal action to improve their situation.

"Yes, But..." Person: A colloquial, descriptive term for someone who shoots down every suggestion.

How to Handle It
Psychologists suggest setting boundaries rather than offering solutions:
Don't offer advice: Since they will reject it, offering solutions is a waste of energy.

Ask them to solve it: Ask, "What do you plan to do about it?" This shifts the responsibility back to them.

Limit the time: Set strict limits on how long you will listen to complaints.

[JR]

sorry for you sunset you can only find solace with your husband, your children and maybe your husbands family. unfortunately you cant really do much for your own parents because of the nature of narcissism and them living in an alternative reality than you and most all emotionally stable people, maybe there could be some relief if the state or local government sees the issues in that household and takes some action based on the living conditions. my heart really goes out to you, only wish i could do more for you, but im here and your out somewhere in this cyberworld, but we are both entwined living and growing up in the narcissist family dynamic(s)