I can't seem to pull the trigger on leaving :-(

[IsleOfSong]

Hey IoS,

I think I've mentioned this before, but on the day I made the big announcement I took a beta blocker shortly before showtime.

A beta blocker reduces fight-or-flight responses. Instead of my heart pounding and my brain getting scrambled and my tongue getting twisted up saying all the wrong things, I was calm. Yeah, I was nervous and afraid but my mind and heart kept working five by five. Atenolol seems to have that effect better than metoprolol imho.

Wow, I never even considered that. Something to think about!

I only pulled the pin because I wound up in a "now or never" situation. Otherwise I would have wanted to wait for one of those "special occasions" where I was perfectly ready to run, but of course on all the prior occasions I had nowhere to go.

I may have a now-or-never situation or two to deal with in the near future — things like her wanting to plan another vacation where she'll inevitably get dysregulated and treat me like her emotional towel, or just go silent on me to punish me for disappointing her for not being affectionate in response to her mistreatment of me; her desire to revamp our estate plan now that the kids are over 18; her 55th birthday (she views that as a milestone and therefore a reason to throw a party for herself). Otherwise I'll probably continue to wait for the "right time," which of course does not exist. What was your situation?

Serious question, do you think there will be ANY difference in how it goes down if you leave under this circumstance or that? Or will you be the most horrible person in the world whether you "were a coward" or "broke your promises" or "left me for no reason" or "left me over one silly argument" or or or?

That is an honest question, maybe you can take "left me over one silly argument" better than "you're a coward."

In all honesty, it won't. She'll be narcissistically injured regardless. My friend's suggested mantra of "She already doesn't like you very much" will be something to keep in mind. And her inevitably terrible reaction to the news, my therapist points out, should be viewed by me as "proof" that I'm making the right decision.

I'll get there.

[square]

What I meant by a now or never situation was that I had applied for low income housing. I was on the waiting list for a year. My name came up. So if I passed on the apartment, it was as good as giving up. It was scary either way but I found it a bit harder to tell him "I'm leaving" on a day where nothing happened.

It was really more about his state of mind than mine, because he does seem to acknowledge problems happening "right now" but as soon as they are over, he feels like they should be gone and forgotten. He does not recognize a pileup of broken trust and emotional destruction over time.

So we both have to separate ourselves from their points of view. It's hard because every marriage intertwines points of view, but also disordered people are stronger and odder about their ideas and there is more pressure to overwrite our own.

I remember a point where I started thinking about the scene from E.T. when E.T. is dying. Eliot was also dying with him because they had some kind of physical, mental, and emotional enmeshment. But at some point they "separated" and Eliot quickly recovered while E.T. finished the process of dying. ("Boy and alien are separating! Boy and alien are separating!" or something like that.)

I never 100% separated from my husband's ideas, but there came a point where a separation did happen, that I stopped going along for a ride on the crazy train. That certain things I would just kind of say "yeah I just can't go along with that, can't even get upset over that because it's just too crazy."

What you said about your wife not liking you anyway is also what I had to tell myself about my MIL. She has perfected the art of getting people to strive to please her but she is at most temporarily "not displeased" but never actually pleased. I don't like friction and would have loved to get along with my MIL but eventually I realized that carrot was a total illusion. I did not please my MIL and nothing I (or frankly anyone) could do would please her ever. So her point of view is useless and invalid to me, and it was about her and not me.

Finally, yes, I absolutely 100% consciously pointed out to myself (and possibly once or twice out loud) how my H's reactions were PART OF THE REASON WHY I LEFT. I mentally prepared myself beforehand as well, and told myself to react with relief instead of stress when he started yelling and all of that, because he was simply confirming that it was the right choice. That was a coping mechanism and not necessarily a rational response, it just helped reduce my fear and stress to actively choose to feel validated instead of scared like I was supposed to.

[MaxedOut]

Finally, yes, I absolutely 100% consciously pointed out to myself (and possibly once or twice out loud) how my H's reactions were PART OF THE REASON WHY I LEFT. I mentally prepared myself beforehand as well, and told myself to react with relief instead of stress when he started yelling and all of that, because he was simply confirming that it was the right choice. That was a coping mechanism and not necessarily a rational response, it just helped reduce my fear and stress to actively choose to feel validated instead of scared like I was supposed to.

 
It was a bracing storm to face, but this is how it hit for me too. And it has a totally different feel than getting put on blast when you are sticking in the relationship. It feels affirming.

It has some bitterness/sadness to it as you see the person attempting to regain control or lashing out or already trying to manage the "image" or narrative of things. We often try so hard to accommodate and place love and care above our needs, and it just is not there in the other person (maybe love bombing or "concessions" but not depth/love to it, more fear, control).

It was a lot of lashing out in my case, but as square mentions, the fear and stress were less and changed. And yeah, she sure kept proving why I chose to leave!

If I would have known how that felt markedly different to go through, I would have done it sooner (years sooner). I had a lot of fear about the reaction, built it up in my head so much. And it was significant, and pretty within the expected range (thankfully a few things I planned for as possibilities did not materialize).

BUT I never really stopped to consider how instantly lessened the impact of it would be in the context of leaving (for good). It's not "today-you" that is in that situation. It's not the you who has to figure out how to calm them, try to deescalate, weather the aftereffects from sitting the house and marriage, walk the tightrope of JADE and exacting words and facial expressions. I said nothing mean, I did not get into details, and I had my safe place, my power to decide what and how much interaction came next.

After the shock hours. I was already a different me. To Square's mention, I was taking beta blockers in the relationship )0(in my case daily for anxiety and heart rhythm irregularity), needed a few for divorce proceeding events, then I don't think I've needed one since. And the heart rhythm stuff was largely anxiety driven; it's unusual at this point.

Plus there's the countervailing positive feelings about moving forward, living my life, controlling my time, having peace, caring for my self. Which is to say-the way you are thinking about what it may be like is probably pretty right when it comes to your wife, but probably too projecting of the now when it comes to how it will be as an experience.

[IsleOfSong]

Wow, these last two posts really do help me see things more clearly. I never imagined that I might feel "relief instead of stress," as Square puts it, when the inevitable you-know-what hits the fan. And the idea that it will "hit different" for me when I'm not in survival mode but rather in moving-on mode.

Very helpful. Thanks to you both for these latest posts, square and MaxedOut. Much to consider here. :-)

[Trinity85]

Your thread was recommended to me - so much wisdom here. I also have been wanting to leave my relationship for years, but have struggled. I feel closer than I ever have to being done - in the end, the exhaustion of it all seems to have won out. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. The question now is how. Although we are not married and do not live together (which I recognize would make everything so much harder so in that respect I am lucky), we have been together 20 years and it has always seemed wrong to me to leave without a conversation. It's an integrity trap, wanting to do the right thing but knowing the person receiving the message won't. Someone said to me that you don't owe integrity to someone who isn't capable of integrity. Here's the definition of integrity: "Integrity is the quality of being honest, ethical, and having strong moral principles that do not waver. It means doing the right thing consistently, even when no one is watching. It also refers to the state of being whole, undivided, or structurally sound." My partner is not whole, undivided, or structurally sound. Realizing this makes no contact and just disappearing to save yourself so much easier.

[Poison Ivy]

Long story short: I was married for 31 years. I filed for a legal separation in 2013 or 2014 but then decided to end that action. In the summer of 2015, I told my then husband that I planned to file again, for a divorce, unless he made two major changes: came to our home at least once per month (he was his parents' 24/7 caregiver at their home 150 miles away and rarely came to our home); and started getting paid by check instead of in cash (his father paid him cash for the caregiving services because, in father's words, he wanted to keep the arrangement under the table). I considered both things to be easy. He didn't have to become a whole new person! He didn't do either thing.
 
I filed for divorce in early December and I told H immediately. I think I did so over the phone, rather than via email. (See above: for all intents and purposes, he lived 150 miles away). H was sad but couldn't say he hadn't seen this coming.

[IsleOfSong]

Thanks for sharing/re-sharing the details of your exit, Poison Ivy. It is encouraging!

So my freeze response just got activated in a big way — my wife sent me a text from her business trip saying that in July she needs to go to Ireland for a work event, but maybe I can fly over when her event is finished so the two of us can go on a vacation there?

I don't want to do this. The pit in my stomach when the text came in was one for the ages. I've done some deep breathing and will write something like "We can discuss when you get home" or something to that effect. This is so hard!

[Poison Ivy]

It IS hard!

[1footouttadefog]

It sounds like no matter how you do it it will be ugly, so pick the one that leaves you with the most strength on the other side   

[MaxedOut]

It can be ugly but I think for *better* and worse, it is more that PD traits likely mean there is no gentle exit (but that's also true for many non-PD divorces, I'd guess). There are things that may make it less volatile and mitigate potential harms but there isn't a cheat code where they see the light. There is a freedom in that though - when you know they will blame, accuse, be angry (or whatever their traits are) you also know to expect it. That means the specifics of how and when are not some major puzzle to crack. There will always be a timing reason that makes it bad timing. There will always be a way it was delivered that is terrible. But it many cases, using the tools helps get through that well and extinguishes they behaviors because the payoffs are no longer there.

I am coming up on a year since divorce, and while I remember the ugly bits and stress, it's already pretty hazy and doesn't hold much of an emotional charge. And it feels like a lot longer than a year ago because there has been so much good stuff, and change, and peace/recovery since. It feels like it was maybe 3 years ago. I am not sure how Square perceives time since as that split was about the same time but she still has interactions and shared offspring, but for me, the ugly stuff is faded significantly already.

[IsleOfSong]

Thanks again, everyone. The message that there's no cheat sheet or hack to make it less ugly is starting to settle into my brain. And increasingly I understand that there's no good time for a PD breakup either — for instance, our daughter's college graduation is coming up in May, and our niece's wedding is in June. Blowing things up now would affect our attendance at both of those events, but why should that be more important to me than making a necessary change in my life regardless of the timing?

Thinking out "loud" here as I often do. Grateful to have this resource.

[blunk]

I remember, similarly, a cousin's wedding coming up just as I was preparing to "pull the pin". I called his mother and explained the situation. I felt like if I went with the bpd(now x)h, he would surely make a scene...taking away from the couple's big day. And if I went without him, worried family members would spend their time asking me about it...again taking away from the couple. I ended up declining the invitation, but made it clear that it was not at all about not wanting to attend. And, of course, I sent a card/gift and met up with some visiting family members in the days following to explain.

There will always be a life event that makes us feel as though we should delay the inevitable, but that doesn't change what we know we need to do. My only regret is not doing it sooner.

You will know when the time is right. Good luck to you!

[square]

Sometimes you just have to do it and there will always be things that will be affected.

On the other hand, if you decide to start planning for your Independence Day in July, maybe that could allow you to start making plans.

[IsleOfSong]

There will always be a life event that makes us feel as though we should delay the inevitable, but that doesn't change what we know we need to do. My only regret is not doing it sooner.

You will know when the time is right. Good luck to you!

Amen! Thanks, blunk!

Sometimes you just have to do it and there will always be things that will be affected.

On the other hand, if you decide to start planning for your Independence Day in July, maybe that could allow you to start making plans.

Good suggestion. There will certainly be fireworks!