I could use some support

[Trinity85]

I'm not sure where to begin here. My story is long - nearly 20 years. I've posted bits and pieces here and there; it is a bit "Wolf of Wall Street" in its insanity and I'd love to tell you all the whole thing at some point. It's been a long, confusing and difficult journey for me. I'm extremely traumatized and so, so, so tired.

I have a decision to make this weekend - do I just go no contact, or do I try to tell him in person? I know telling him in person won't change things - I'd be doing it because it's been 20 years and I think it's the right thing to do. But honestly, a big part of me just wants this to end and no contact seems like the sensible choice, if only for me to finally be heard.

Right now I feel just awful but also in control, if that makes sense? I worry that by trying to do the right thing and seeing him in person, it will set me back. If I am to go no contact, I think perhaps a letter to follow up would be right. He will tell our mutual friends whatever he wants to tell them, but I will know that I didn't just disappear.

The worst part in all this is that I've been keeping his secrets for years. I just want someone else to know.     

[Catothecat]

I believe in one of your posts you said he had ASPD?  Years ago I was in a relationship with someone with ASPD. It was pretty insane because at the time I had no idea he had this disorder so I also had no idea what was going on.  It was only after he broke up with me that I was forced to reflect on the situation, and fortunately he immediately got married (to wife #4) after our breakup so I was in no position to do anything but reflect.  I couldn't contact him, so the NC was in force for over a year (while he was married) which gave me that time.  When he tried to reconnect, after his divorce, I could finally see him more clearly and realized I wanted nothing to do with him.

I think that's what NC does for you.  It gives you time and space to be away from the situation because as long as the situation remains somehow in your life, it can be extremely difficult if not impossible to get a true perspective.  I also think that one of the issues with NC is the guilt we feel over doing it.  I've gone NC with other PDs in my life and never regretted it but at the time it didn't "feel right."  I felt like I was doing something wrong, that I was being the bad person, because I wasn't giving them a chance to prove themselves misjudged (by me).  I didn't believe I could do something right in going NC because that's the mindset being with a PD can give you--that you can do nothing right.  They WANT you to always be there because that serves their purpose. 

That's just my opinion based on my experiences, but I support your going NC and sticking to it. 

[GoodPesto]

Hi Trinity85,

I understand the urge to do "the right thing" and tell your partner of over 20 years face-to-face it's over. In a healthy-ish relationship which is going to end for whatever reason this is probably almost always the way to go in a respectful manner.
In a PD-ridden relationship though it might not always be possible to do that AND be safe at the time.
You are well within your rights or even obligated to protect your emotional and physical well-being. You mention you are worried that facing him will set you back and that going n/c is the sensible choice. You describe yourself as being immensly traumatized and tired, so from this perspective second you and would say: Give yourself a break, do not do anything because it's "usually" the right thing to do, if it jeapordized anything.
IsleOfSong's recent thread in this section has some parallels to your question and there are some valuable infos from other members of this forum about how they left when it was time. Maybe this is of benefit for you as well.
It's awesome you got to a point where you can end the nightmare.
Best wishes

[IsleOfSong]

Trinity, you two already live apart, which is a huge advantage. I went back and read a few of your posts about your BF. You mention that he's hit himself on more than one occasion — do you have any concern that he might hit you if you tell him you're leaving face to face?

Echoing what GoodPesto says here (and has advised me on as well): At the end of the day, how we leave is a temporary instance, not required to be in any particular form, and is ultimately irrelevant. The fact that we leave at all is the lasting result and is far more important.

The follow-up letter seems like a reasonable middle ground to me, but others here might disagree. Maybe it would even be a useful exercise for you to write the letter (whether or not you decide to send it) as a means of figuring out what you would want to say to him in a real conversation, had he not been so abusive and dysregulated. Good luck and keep posting.

[Trinity85]

Thank you all for your replies.

I believe in one of your posts you said he had ASPD?  Years ago I was in a relationship with someone with ASPD. It was pretty insane because at the time I had no idea he had this disorder so I also had no idea what was going on. 

Indeed, he has an ASPD diagnosis. I didn't know for many years and even after seeing the paperwork (it was a structured interview done at a top psychiatric hospital in the 90s), I found it confusing and hard to believe. For the first five years of our relationship I literally knew nothing was wrong - and then I found his double life. It wasn't just cheating - the sheer extent of what was going on behind my back was clearly pathological. Therapists at the time said it was sex addiction so we chased that rabbit down the rabbit hole for several years. I was still hopeful that a cure was possible. It wasn't until five months ago when I learned the truth about his financial situation that the FOG started to lift a bit - again, the sheer extent of the catastrophe was mind boggling - that's when I saw that the madness had nothing whatsoever to do with me and this was a behavior pattern that aligned with ASPD.

I support your going NC and sticking to it.

Thank you. Your post really helped me not feel so all alone. No one knows the truth about what I've been thru with him or what it has been like. They wouldn't believe me if I told them; they would wonder why I stayed. 

It's awesome you got to a point where you can end the nightmare.

It is a nightmare and I've really struggled to end it, but I feel like I've gotten to the place where the pain far, far, far outweighs any good and I just want it to stop.

You mention that he's hit himself on more than one occasion — do you have any concern that he might hit you if you tell him you're leaving face to face?

This is a good point. I would have said no, but his behavior is as you noted "abusive and dysregulated." I have learned to control my emotions when I speak to him to avoid incidents and there's no point in setting boundaries because he won't respect them. After his latest cheating incident, I told him her or me - pick - and he literally had a temper tantrum like a child I was telling they couldn't have another cookie. It was beyond disturbing. I'm afraid that NC - whether I give him a head's up or not - is the only way this will work and I'll regain my peace of mind and freedom. I'm just hoping that people will realize that any one who goes NC usually has a reason for it, especially someone they have known for years, like me.