First time here

[sciencegirl123]

Hello everybody.

I was recommended by my therapist recently to take a look at this website on support for dealing with a parent with PD. For a while, I felt ashamed that I had a parent who had PD and what I had to deal with behind closed doors. On the outside, the world believes they are a great person, but I was their punching bag. There is an expectation that the oldest picks up the slack of the parent and becomes the "role model" for the younger siblings to not make my mistakes. I had a sister with very severe mental health issues so I was expected to be the one with no problems and be easy going. I never spoke up about my feelings or my trauma growing up to anybody really.

I did not realize how much all the things I experienced growing up truly shaped me a person. My father deals with narcissism and it is evident that he cares for himself only and things for his benefit. I was required to be the easy one, the one who picked up the slack when my parents traveled to work (which was very often) and I was left taking care of my brother, sister, and grandmother. Stepping out of line resulted in being berated and called names like b**ch and c**t from the ages of 7 to 18 until I went to college. I was punished for 3 months for having one B+ and all As on my report card at 15. I was not allowed to leave the house the whole summer unless it was family activities. This is just one prime example.

Turning 18, I was able to escape and go out of state for college which resulted in me not speaking to my father for almost 4 years unless I physically saw him. I never really dealt with my problems of anxiety, eating disorder, body image issues, and self worth. I shoved it down because at least I was away. Over time I worked with therapist's to help in healing those aspects, but I was affected when in came to any sort of relationships, friends or romantic. My people pleasing was through the roof and felt I had to bend the knee or do things I did not necessarily want to do, just to be deemed worthy.

I have moved back home as I am in grad school and want to save money until I can move out. I did miss my family a lot while being away, but I never addressed my issues with my father and I have slowly felt I am back to being 14 years old needing to do everything as he would like or face the consequences of his anger/disappointment. My mom tells me to navigate and find ways to stick up for myself, but it is easier said than done. She is just now seeing the full effect it has had on me and I can not blame her as she deals with the worst on his issues than I do. I have finally decided to commit myself fully to bettering myself and become a stronger person.

[Rebel13]

Hi sciencegirl, I'm so sorry for the pain, stress and abuse you have suffered. I can identify with a lot of your story, like having "anxiety, eating disorder, body image issues, and self worth." I'm sure you know, these are all problems that are caused by being treated badly by a family member from a young age. They're not your fault, even though you are the one who has to struggle with them.

Two resources your story made me think of, in case they are helpful to you:

The book "The Normal One" by Jeanne Safer
Jay Reid's Youtube playlist about the beliefs of scapegoated children

(He has a lot of other videos you might like as well)

I felt so sad when you said you are committed to "bettering" yourself and becoming a "stronger person" -- I can already tell that you have a wonderful heart and I'm sure you are super strong to have survived the environment you grew up in. I spent many years thinking that I needed to be better, and working at that, and feeling weak for having emotions or problems. I'm just learning now, in my 50s, that there's nothing wrong with me, there never was. Even though I was trained out of it, giving myself as much love and compassion as I can, or as I would another person who was suffering, is really helping me. So I hope you can find ways to give yourself what you missed as a child, while you also work on finding constructive solutions for what plagues you and supporting yourself in flowering into the person you are fully capable of being.

I hope you can also protect yourself while you have to live in an abusive situation. Some of the articles in the Toolbox section of the website here might help with that. I wish you much success and peace.

[Reinalov]

First of all congratulations on getting your degree and now being in grad school! That is an amazing task while dealing with a parent that is narcissistic.You have made it this far!I know it is hard to be strong but you're doing it.

[anonymousstorm327]

Hi!!

I relate to a lot of what you're going through. I...
-grew up using a forum like this
-felt like if I got a bad grade, the world would end (LOL)
-have been seeing my family less, which makes them concerned, and also harder for me to express how I feel as a 22 year old
-finishing up college, so grad school sounds really exciting to me!
-do not feel excited about going to grad school if i have to move in with my family!
-relate to being the one to keep the family together

I think that's all I wanted to say right now.

I hope your commitment to being a better person goes as well for you as it can!