Brother and SIL visiting

[Rebel13]

Hi everybody,

I am starting to stress out about this visit -- about a month away -- and thought I would post in case anyone has words of wisdom for coping.

I don't really know either of them. I have only seen them once, for a few hours, in the past 20+ years. That was almost 3 years ago, at the same visit when my mom dumped on me for what I decided was the last time.

They both have "issues" for sure, as do I, but since I haven't spent any time around them in a long time, I don't have much of a bead on the exact dynamics.

They are coming to the area for other reasons and as far as I know right now, are planning to spend an afternoon and evening with me and my partner. It could be really nice or, not. There is some history from when we were all in our 20s and lived near each other and my parents.

I find myself hyperfocusing on the house, criticizing myself for "not cleaning enough" or for little faults and flaws hardly anyone would notice. They certainly won't, since I do know neither of them cares too much about housekeeping. I know this kind of worry is a symptom of the stress. I don't like that it keeps cropping up. I guess it's good that I'm noticing? I probably need to figure out how to soothe and reassure myself more.

Part of me would like to express an amends to them for some things I did way back in the day. But I am waiting to see how things go before I decide. I can always write them a letter after the visit if it goes well and I still feel like apologizing.

I've been thinking lately about self-abandonment. It's so easy to do. The part of me that gets abandoned -- my emotions? -- doesn't trust the other parts, even though I've been working hard. I still do self-abandon quite often.

Anyway, thanks for any thoughts or advice about how you've gotten through similar things.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi, I imagine I may be in a similar place before my SIL visits in a couple of months. It seems like you are perhaps looking to feel more in control of the situation by focusing on the cleaning, etc. Is there a better way to do that? Could you maybe make contact before the visit and chat about your plans and maybe get a read on them that way? It certainly makes sense that seeing them would stress you!

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Rebel,

I am sorry the visit has brought up stressful feelings for you. Would it help if you prepared yourself for various scenarios and decided on boundaries beforehand? Like, if such and such comes up, I will go/change the subject. Or recruit your partner to intervene if things get awkward or unpleasant. Plan for little breaks in the kitchen or the bathroom. Things like that. I bet your brother and SIL will have complicated feelings over this too, since you don't really know each other. I don't know if it helps to think they might be equally apprehensive.
Do you think that you are forming expectations about the visit and you fear that they might be disappointed/not be met?

[onewayoranother]

I have a similar situation with SIL. We are in our 70's now and the last 5 years have been challenging EVERY TIME we visit or share travel with brother & SIL.
She thinks she has total control(in her mind)over every situation ,is rude, disrespectful( mostly to my parents who are deceased now), dismissive and just plain extends an attitude of not wanting to be in our presence. She is a fake.
My younger brother whom she has expelled from her life is very ill. She not once mentioned him to me with empathy which I believe she is devoid of.
We will be visiting their state in May as our niece is getting married but she won't be going as she is estranged from brothers family. Other niece is graduating college & she won't be part of that either. Any precious function over the years ALAWAYS resulted in some form of drama from her. Older brother is coming too(we share same state) with his family & 2 grandchildren. It's clear that she does not want to get together with them either. This may be the last time I can be with my 3 brothers and there she is again causing problems.
I dread their visit in July as I can see what it will be like. Her running through my home examining everything(she is a realtor) We have tickets to a concert and honestly have never enjoyed a concert we attended together(her, not the concert). Now they have physical limitations so getting into the venue will be more drama.
I'm hoping something turns up and they can't come!
I don't distant her from my life as my brother is very ill and I want him in my life as long I can have him. OF course he puts his wife first always but how can he not see what a B...H she is?

[Rebel13]

Could you maybe make contact before the visit and chat about your plans and maybe get a read on them that way?

Thank you! That is a great suggestion. (It's so weird the things my brain doesn't even consider as possibilities for addressing fraught situations.) I texted him a simple, hey, how's it going, how are your trip plans looking? I got back 9 texts with permutations for the different excursions they are considering (for themselves) and stuff about what he is doing with our parents.

I felt really bad/sad when I read this, and it took me a little while to realize it was because he didn't ask me anything about me, not even an offhand "hope you're doing well." So, that was useful information to have and one indication not much has changed.

(Whenever I say something like this, I feel like it sounds super whiny and petty, but for myself I realize it's part of a lifetime context of being treated a certain way (disregarded, at best) by family members.)

Would it help if you prepared yourself for various scenarios and decided on boundaries beforehand? Like, if such and such comes up, I will go/change the subject. Or recruit your partner to intervene if things get awkward or unpleasant. Plan for little breaks in the kitchen or the bathroom. ...
Do you think that you are forming expectations about the visit and you fear that they might be disappointed/not be met?

These are really good ideas, and again, my brain tells me things like, oh, you'll only see them for a short time, nothing will happen, you don't need to go to all that trouble. But I think I really DO! I am rehearsing in my head some ways to respond to comments I'm worried they might make. I need to write them down. And if everything is unicorns and sunshine, all the better, but at least I'll be prepared if they do. I'm trying to have NO expectations, though I'm sure something will happen and I'll get blindsided by emotions about it.

But maybe overall I need a kind of radical acceptance -- rather than hoping for the best, accepting what I know about their past behavior and making a plan for how I want to behave.

Thank you both. I really appreciate the kind and thoughtful responses.