Psychoanalyse this...

[Associate of Daniel]

Ds (19) told me the other day that he still feels as though his dad (my uNPD exH) and I are still fighting.

He took me by surprise as I've not been in any communication with his dad for almost 18 months, and I can only recall one occasion where there was an interaction in front of ds, which was probably over 10 years ago.  I don't know if he even witnessed/heard it, or that he remembers it.

There were over the years, many difficult interactions between Ds's uNPD mother and me, in front of ds.  All of them were initiated or caused by her.

I'm wondering if ds is imposing them onto his dad in some way.

Does anyone have any thought on this?  And any suggestions on how to handle it in conversation with my ds?

I'm thinking of describing to him the one incident between his father and me I can recall, that he may have witnessed, and telling him there were plenty between his smother and me.

AOD

[Call Me Cordelia]

I wonder if it's trauma that's stuck for him. Something akin to an emotional flashback, where it feels as though the danger is present even though it objectively isn't.

[escapingman]

Could it be that your ex is feeding him stories making up you are fighting?

[SeaBreeze]

You said your DS "still feels" as though you and ex are fighting. So maybe he doesn't necessarily think you ARE but he's still feeling old tensions? Could he also possibly be interpreting NC as conflict? (Similar to the tension felt during silent treatment?) I would suggest asking him to clarify what he means before offering your own thoughts on what he may be feeling?

[Associate of Daniel]

Thank-you, everyone, for your thoughts.

Ds is not with me often and his movements are not routine so I'm not sure when I'll be able to speak with him about this again. 

EM:  I have no doubt the uNPDs are still feeding ds some sort of hogwash about me.  Thankfully, he is quite diplomatic and a deep thinker, so it doesn't seem to be affecting our relationship these days.  It certainly did when he was younger.

SeaBreeze:  That's an interesting comparison of NC and silent treatment.  I hadn't thought of that.

CMC:  Ds hasn't spoken to me of any particular event or events that may have been traumatic for him.  There is certainly a very difficult vibe when his uNPD dad and/or his uNPD smother and I are in the same room, despite us not actually speaking to or being near each other.  But the last time we were together would have to have been several years ago.

Do any of you think I should describe to Ds the only incident I can remember occurring between his dad and me in his presence?  And do you think I should tell him the rest of the incidents involved his smother?  I think he's mature enough to deal with it but is it wise nonetheless?

AOD

[Call Me Cordelia]

I don't see why you would need to do that, AOD, unless he specifically asks. And even then... why do you ask, son? You don't say what your response in that moment was, but if a similar assertion comes up in the future you can simply say that for you the fighting is all over and there's nothing to fight about now, or whatever words fit for you. It seems healthier to focus on the current reality. I don't see the point in rehashing events years ago, especially to your son. He may be a young adult now but keeping it classy with regard to the other parent is going to be the best policy generally, in my opinion. As you know I'm not in a co-parenting situation, but with regard to my kids' grandparents not throwing them under the bus to people has really paid off, with my kids and perceptions of others in general. No JADE gets you far.

[Associate of Daniel]

(I love the JADE acronym.  It has stood me in good stead over the years.)

The incident with uNPD exH that I'm thinking of was the same as most of those with his uNPD wife.  He spoke/demanded/condescended, I walked off without saying a word (to avoid a scene in public).

I see your point though, Call Me Cordelia.  It's probably best to hold my tongue, at least until DS asks for specific details.

AOD 

[Penny Lane]

I wonder if he's not so much speaking about you literally fighting, but more like the pressure he feels from each house and the ways it comes into conflict.

For example, parent A thinks he should go to university. Parent B thinks he should pursue a trade. With a functional relationship, those are two opinions to consider. But with a high conflict coparenting situation, it becomes a referendum on who he loves more. And making a decision becomes very fraught even if in reality it doesn't really matter who's right.

Or, tangentially, the ways that he feels like he has to be in the middle of the two parents (not telling parent a that parent b did something, or that he's spending time with parent b, etc.)

I wonder if he feels the negative relationship even when you're not overtly fighting, per se.