Once again the bad guy with my daughter

[Silentlywaiting]

Hi everyone, I'm back. I listened and followed your advice. I had months of silence then phone calls. Her birthday came and for months previous she refused to give me an idea what to get her. So on her birthday her partner made her a cake and she got upset because he used a box. So she requested this specific cake. I ordered it in her city for pickup the following day. All was good though I felt bad for the partner.
So my birthday came, I request nothing more from my adult kids except a call or text, even a Facebook post. Just something to let me know theyre thinking about me. My husband took me out and around 10:59pm I sent her a message saying I knew she was busy but it hurts that she couldn't even send me a text message.
I was informed she was moving that specific day and she planned on calling after she finished. I let it go but she knows I go to bed early because my husband gets up for work at 4:30am.
Christmas comes and I send her a text asking if they liked the gifts. She was the only adult person we got a gift for. I got radio silence.
What followed was just me aensing texts here and there saying hey hope you guys are okay, just thinking about you.
Finally in February she messaged me back and said she'd been busy, so busy she couldn't send a 30 second reply and let me know at the very least they were OK.
I was chastised for being upset. I keep forgetting that they use silence as punishment for perceived wrongs or misdeeds. It hurts.
Recently she called me worried about the storm system that was suppose to hit. I tried to help and give her advice on how to prepare just in case.
Now I may be wrong, I'm on the spectrum so I don't always understand things but she got upset with me. The reason because I asked if she was on top of the hill or in the valley. She informed me she was on flat land. I knew she moved so I asked if she was in a different area because where she lived has hills. No she's in the same place.
For me I was confused because when I think of flat I think of Indiana or most of Florida. Not rolling hills where she is. I was just trying to sooth her worry. I guess I upset her again.
I honestly don't know why she calls me because it seems like most of the time she gets upset with me over something.
If I disagree with her, you'd think I was rude or mean to her. She's not once called and asked how I'm doing while doing chemotherapy.
Ive tried to be there for her. Ive tried to be supportive. She treats me like I'm stupid. Im so tired of being the bad guy. Im tired of her always being mad at me for something. I am to the point I don't want to talk to her anymore because I always end up feeling bad. I feel like every time we talk I say something that makes her mad or hurts her feelings. I literally feel like I'm walking on eggshells with our conversations.

[hhaw]

Silently waiting:

You can't change your DD's behavior.  You can only change your response to her behavior, ime.  It sounds like you're really suffering, over and over.

What would it feel like....to fully accept your DD won't reach out with gratitude, happy birthday wishes, or appreciation for your calm guidance, when asked?

Just....let it fully sink in....and surrender to that truth. 

Sometimes, sinking into acceptance shifts everything for me. Weight is lifted.  Clarity and perspective are restored.

All you can do is be your kind, thoughtful self, and hope for reciprocity....but release outcome. 

Repeatedly feeling hurt, bc your expectations aren't realistic, is something you can change, IME.


You're there for your DD, but be there, while also protecting your dear heart.

Expecting DD to change, is perhaps codependent.  You can wait for her to be or do something differently, before you turn to the joy in front of you....
OR....you can skip the suffering, and embrace joy.

It's a choice, and I've noticed I'm more responsive and able to respond if I choose joy, instead of resisting what I can't change.

What do you have to lose? 

You'll still be there for your DD, but not for the pain, of needing her to change, before you can feel ok.

My therapist helped me identify my need for my kids to be this or that....before I could be ok. 

I learned I can still be ok, even if they're not....or if they won't be or do  what I "need."

In fact, I find I'm more responsive, and able to respond, IF I skip needing things to be different ....and turn towards joy instead.

I guess I'm saying....my therapist pointed out painful reactive patterns, creating suffering without any benefits, in my life.....they narrowed my choices.  They limited my joy.

All things remaining the same, I chose to suffer less, and I wish the same for your dear heart.

[Silentlywaiting]

Silently waiting:

You can't change your DD's behavior.  You can only change your response to her behavior, ime.  It sounds like you're really suffering, over and over.

What would it feel like....to fully accept your DD won't reach out with gratitude, happy birthday wishes, or appreciation for your calm guidance, when asked?

Just....let it fully sink in....and surrender to that truth. 

Sometimes, sinking into acceptance shifts everything for me. Weight is lifted.  Clarity and perspective are restored.

All you can do is be your kind, thoughtful self, and hope for reciprocity....but release outcome. 

Repeatedly feeling hurt, bc your expectations aren't realistic, is something you can change, IME.


You're there for your DD, but be there, while also protecting your dear heart.

Expecting DD to change, is perhaps codependent.  You can wait for her to be or do something differently, before you turn to the joy in front of you....
OR....you can skip the suffering, and embrace joy.

It's a choice, and I've noticed I'm more responsive and able to respond if I choose joy, instead of resisting what I can't change.

What do you have to lose? 

You'll still be there for your DD, but not for the pain, of needing her to change, before you can feel ok.

My therapist helped me identify my need for my kids to be this or that....before I could be ok. 

I learned I can still be ok, even if they're not....or if they won't be or do  what I "need."

In fact, I find I'm more responsive, and able to respond, IF I skip needing things to be different ....and turn towards joy instead.

I guess I'm saying....my therapist pointed out painful reactive patterns, creating suffering without any benefits, in my life.....they narrowed my choices.  They limited my joy.

All things remaining the same, I chose to suffer less, and I wish the same for your dear heart.

Thanks for the advice but I chose peace, which means low contact/ no contact and grey rocking. Im not the only parent in her life and there is no excuse for the way she's treated me over the years.
From the awful things she's said about me to others, to the way she's treated me since she came into my life.
She was adopted by a family I thought was wonderful.

I have two boys born after she was.
Neither of my sons will talk to her. I tried for a while to mend their relationships but there is no budging with my sons. She's said horrible things about them too. Still does.
I won't get into everything she's done, said, or how she behaves, let's just say nothing she does is wrong or there's an excuse for her behavior. She will berate someone anyone with such disdain and hate. They don't even have to do anything to her for her to feel that way. Im talking about the things she's said about others to me. People who have helped her, people she has used or abused and the discarded.
Being disappointed or hurt because someone only calls when they need or want something, hoping they won't be that way isnt codependent. Hoping one conversation won't turn into me saying something to make her mad, isnt codependent. She wasn't always like this but it's gotten worse as she's gotten older.
I have always tried to be there for my children, I've always answered the phone when they call even in the middle of the night. Wanting someone to be respectful and not rude just because you don't agree to them isnt codependent, especially when you know they can be if they want to.
Right now she's talking to her Mom again, until her Mom doesn't do something DD wants her to do exactly as she wants her to do it.
Then she'll call me and be all sweet. If I ask her why she acted this way or said this thing, she'll either not remember saying it or completely deny ever saying it.
I've been dealing with cancer for the last five years. I've been doing chemotherapy since February last year. She's not once asked how I'm doing. She doesn't care. In fact, when I told her of my cancer diagnosis she told me it was my fault I have cancer. Its not, its genetic but I felt awful until I learned why I have the cancer.
 She'll ask me for advice and then get mad at me for my advice. This last time when she asked I was just trying to protect her. To help her if there was a tornado. What I got was "well what do you want me to do." This was in response to me telling her if there is a tornado she needs to be in a windowless ground floor. That's what we were taught for tornado safety. That's all I said.
So to protect myself and to keep my peace Im going LC. I don't deserve to berated and dismissed because she doesn't like the advice I give her. Since she thinks I'm so stupid she can call someone else she thinks better of.
As my therapist told me, I'm allowed to be done when someone is treating me badly. I don't have to be a doormat just because were related.

[Rebel13]

Hi Silentlywaiting,

Thanks for the advice but I chose peace, which means low contact/ no contact and grey rocking.

I agree with you, I don't think you have to let people treat you badly! I don't know about you, but I think LC/NC *IS* kind of radical acceptance, like hhaw was saying. For me, with my mom, I was able to let go and stop contacting her when I realized that I had tried everything I could to improve our relationship and it just wasn't going to happen because she wasn't capable. It was a long hard road to get there, but I have had a lot of peace since.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this and I hope LC/NC brings you some peace as well.

[hhaw]

I got myself too deep into my post ... Should have said less, with more clarity, me'thinks.

"Codependent," for me, means my inner peace shifts with the tides of my children's ocean.... sometimes of a sibling.

Once I learned,
 I don't have to get dragged out by their tidal surf...
I could view it from above ....
sans needing it to be something else.

"Above" can mean I'm low contact, NC,taking time away from contact, simply listening more....
but mostly, it turned out to be
me resisting the urge to give unsolicited advice, or hold expectations for the interaction. Learning to not take things personally freed up a lot of mental space, IME.

 I strive to sit in non judgmental awareness, whatever I'm doing.

I'm responsible for regulating my Nervous System....or getting out of disregulation.  If I look outside myself, It's not possible. Learning to come back to my authentic self, over and over, helps.

When my youngest DD19-21yo was blaming me, judging me with cruelty....I saw she was shifting her fear and pain onto me, bc she didn't know how to carry it.  To be fair ...I didn't know how, so I hadn't taught her.  As I learn, I teach, and practice responding, I instead of reacting.  It's everything, IME.

I learned how to state my boundaries....."I'm available to talk, but only without blame and cruelty."

I was vulnerable....I asked DD what was going on...she seemed to be struggling.  I requested respectful and constructive communication. Calling her on her boundary transgressions helped things get better quickly, bc I took myself out of the discussion.

With my niece.....that strategy mostly escalates, so I limit contact. If she's escalating, I hold my boundary....rinse, repeat.  I refuse to escalate, and I understand.....
her coping strategies include personal hostilities and escalation, self harming behaviors.....name calling .....mortifying language in public spaces. She has no reverse....only regret and meek compliance the next day, if she's made herself very ill.

It's never personal....though I wouldn't agree 4-5-6 years ago.  Heck, last week I had a bobble, regarding injustices, I have no control over. 

The point is .....I suffer more, or less, dependent on my choices. 

All things remaining the same, suffering less is the obvious choice....
if I'm steady enough to remember.

[Silentlywaiting]

I got myself too deep into my post ... Should have said less, with more clarity, me'thinks.

"Codependent," for me, means my inner peace shifts with the tides of my children's ocean.... sometimes of a sibling.

Once I learned,
 I don't have to get dragged out by their tidal surf...
I could view it from above ....
sans needing it to be something else.

"Above" can mean I'm low contact, NC,taking time away from contact, simply listening more....
but mostly, it turned out to be
me resisting the urge to give unsolicited advice, or hold expectations for the interaction. Learning to not take things personally freed up a lot of mental space, IME.

 I strive to sit in non judgmental awareness, whatever I'm doing.

I'm responsible for regulating my Nervous System....or getting out of disregulation.  If I look outside myself, It's not possible. Learning to come back to my authentic self, over and over, helps.

When my youngest DD19-21yo was blaming me, judging me with cruelty....I saw she was shifting her fear and pain onto me, bc she didn't know how to carry it.  To be fair ...I didn't know how, so I hadn't taught her.  As I learn, I teach, and practice responding, I instead of reacting.  It's everything, IME.

I learned how to state my boundaries....."I'm available to talk, but only without blame and cruelty."

I was vulnerable....I asked DD what was going on...she seemed to be struggling.  I requested respectful and constructive communication. Calling her on her boundary transgressions helped things get better quickly, bc I took myself out of the discussion.

With my niece.....that strategy mostly escalates, so I limit contact. If she's escalating, I hold my boundary....rinse, repeat.  I refuse to escalate, and I understand.....
her coping strategies include personal hostilities and escalation, self harming behaviors.....name calling .....mortifying language in public spaces. She has no reverse....only regret and meek compliance the next day, if she's made herself very ill.

It's never personal....though I wouldn't agree 4-5-6 years ago.  Heck, last week I had a bobble, regarding injustices, I have no control over. 

The point is .....I suffer more, or less, dependent on my choices. 

All things remaining the same, suffering less is the obvious choice....
if I'm steady enough to remember.




I'm happy that works for you. Im also on the spectrum and already have enough issues understanding the cruelty many people bring into others lives.
Ive always tried kindness. I didnt offer DD 36 advice unless she asked. In the past when I tried I was told I was wrong. As someone once told me, they're looking for a whipping post because they're unhappy with themselves.
When DD came into my life she was 19, going to college. I was so thrilled to be allowed to be part of her life.
My story is much like others here. It was really good in the beginning. Then she made choices that weren't the right ones and I was suppose to fix it for her. Nothing I have done for her is ever good. I've moved her across the country at least twice. There was no concern for me. Everything I did was wrong. She can be exceptionally challenging when she's not getting her way exactly how she wants it done, regardless of the cost to the person doing it. We're just suppose to suck it up and be happy for her presence in our lives.
As with a couple of others in my life, I've had to stop and start looking out for me. That doesn't feel good to me, I love helping those I love. When I become their doormat and my boundaries are ignored, I must remove them from my life. I give them multiple chances. I can't let my love become the thing that they use to manipulate me.
I can and will love her from afar. I hope she has a good life. I won't be discarded because Im not a robot for her. Expecting respect and consideration is normal or at least it should be.

[Rebel13]

but mostly, it turned out to be me resisting the urge to give unsolicited advice, or hold expectations for the interaction. Learning to not take things personally freed up a lot of mental space, IME.

This is so true for me too, hhaw. I have had to learn how to do this in a relationship with a friend who I care a lot about, but who is a "help-rejecting complainer." It took me a while to realize, when she complains, she isn't really looking for a solution. For whatever reason, she continues to choose the status quo. So now when we talk, I don't respond much to her complains, just an "I'm sorry" or "That sounds hard." There are other parts of the relationship that I appreciate so it is worth it to keep in touch.

I am struggling with not taking behavior personally with someone at work too. I'm hopeful I'll find my way through by applying some of these same ideas. Especially important since I can't get away from this person! I feel like I'm learning a lot and wish I had learned these lessons and skills earlier in my life.

Wishing you well Silentlywaiting. Sometimes all we can do is send good thoughts and wishes from afar, when someone has shown they're not willing to treat us well.

[hhaw]

Sometimes asking....
"Let me know how that works out for you," is the kindest response we can give the difficult people in our lives.

We can't fix what we didn't break. We shouldn't stand as anyone's whipping post.

Shifting focus, back to ourselves, over and over, is how we stop abandoning ourselves....inch by precious inch.


It feels like learning a new language, ime.

It's sea change.....to identify patterns, in our inner worlds, and question if we want more, or less, of what they bring.

[GoodPesto]

There is a lot of wisdom in this thread, thank you to everyone participating.
hhaw's most recent post was a gem to me today, so thank you especially.