PD mother in aged care

[doglady]

I've been off the boards for a while as my father died and I have been trying to sort out my PDm's aged care situation. It's been exhausting. I'm in Australia (for context).

I had been NC prior to my parents going into hospital and then aged care and then, against my better judgement, I got pulled back in mid last year. My father then died in November. And my mother has hardly mentioned him or seemed overly upset about him being gone.

Mother is hell-bent on leaving aged care and returning home despite having very limited mobility, being mostly chair bound, and having morbid obesity, double incontinence, apparently terminal bowel cancer, and unhealing leg and feet ulcers. She has limited insight into her situation and says she requires no care. She sometimes refuses to shower and then says she isn't being given regular showers. She also often sits in her full incontinence products instead of going to toilet when directly prompted. She also did this when living at home and did not wear clothing on her lower half, instead just choosing to sit in a urine-soaked chair with a towel over her.

Her doctor has advised it is not safe for her to return home due to her limited capacity, round the clock needs and the squalid, disrepaired and hoarded state of her house.

However, at her insistence, and in line with her legal rights, he has made referrals for OT assessment of her and the house. These are pending.

In the meantime she has secretively applied for an in-home care package, and is under the mistaken impression that this is money she will receive directly when in fact she has to firstly contact a service provider, they have to assess the house for the worker health and safety conditions and they take a percentage before the funding then gets directed to the support workers, cleaners, nursing staff etc. I have calculated that this funding package will come nowhere near to covering her needs. She is unlikely to care about this though as she would simply be seeing it as a box to tick in her ticket to get out of aged care. She also has a long history or cancelling and/or sabotaging support workers. My father was prevailed upon by her to do everything for her. When I pointed out yesterday that he was no longer there to help if she went home she said he hadn't done ever anything anyway. A complete and utter lie. He did everything. She basically ran him into the ground. At least he's dead and finally escaped her now.

The other major complication is that she refuses to sell her property anyway, and she has now run of out funds to pay the monthly aged care fees, which the sale of the property would facilitate. This is a stalemate. She is now in debt to the facility and while they can't directly evict her, no doubt they will be keen to facilitate her leaving if she can't or won't pay.

I visited her yesterday to attempt to explain the dire situation she is in and to reiterate that none of her children support her returning home (for all of the above). She was delusional about the amount of support she thinks she doesn't need (ie none). She then turned on me and yelled 'Well if I can't leave here, get someone to come in here and cut my throat then.'

In the next instant, as if someone had thrown a switch, she saw that her sister in law (my father's brother's wife) was at the door and chatting with a staff member, and my mother suddenly acted all smiling and beatific and denied having said what she had and ignored me while chatting to her SIL. I death-stared her for a while but left not long after.

Prior to my leaving, the head of nursing called me over and asked - as she was aware I lived the closet geographically - if I would be able to provide any support for my mother in her home if she went home. I'd had a gut-full by this stage  and immediately replied, 'Under no circumstances can I provide any support for her if she goes home. And please put that in writing.'

Honestly, I would rather slit my own throat.

Later on my mother called and I let it go to voicemail. The message said, 'I'm just ringing to see what it was that you think I said that you thought was incorrect.' Seriously? The gaslighting is just so extreme with her. I replied with this text: 'in answer to your question, you stated that you wanted someone to come and slit your throat. Not ok.'Another voicemail came through saying she was very very sorry if she had offended me. Sigh.

After this point I am severely curtailing visits. I had been visiting weekly for a couple of hours and trying to keep to light topics. Last night I couldn't sleep and felt very out of sorts. I thought I was being kind and could handle the visits but honestly I feel, perhaps not quite back to where I was, but certainly not great.

She has threatened suicide whenever she is challenged on her wishes to go home. And she then denies having done so. She is also triangulating and splitting staff, some of whom she has obviously told unpleasant or untrue things about me as some of them act quite rudely or condescendingly to me, or dismiss what I say. As she has always been one for subtly smearing me, under this fake aura of concern and saintliness, I am not at all surprised and can spot this pattern a mile off. However, it is highly unpleasant to contend with strangers acting as if I'm some kind of evil person. She seems to have a real talent for it though and naive people seem to fall for it. One of the only people there who seems to get it described my mother as 'masterful' within a couple of days of meeting her. And she's nailed it. Basically my mother flatters susceptible people, asks them lots of questions, shows an interest in their lives and then gets them to do her bidding. Those people are then categorised as 'lovely'. Anyone who says No to her or does not comply with her demands is 'nasty,' 'cold,' 'mean,' or she doesn't 'know what's wrong with them' or she cries about it.

My siblings, who I now have some contact with, are incredibly stressed about her unwillingness to sell. We all recognise it is her decision and under her control. One brother wants to get in and clean everything up to be ready for sale but I have advised him not to as I don't want the OT visiting there and assessing the house as possible to OK.

My main theory about my mother is that she wants to 'escape' aged care because is it exhausting for her to maintain her facade and keep up the performance.

I am exhausted and I wonder when it will all end. Her Dr says she could go on for quite some time yet as she is responding ing well to immunotherapy and has strong heart etc.

Any advice would very much be welcomed.

[NarcKiddo]

I am not sure what her legal rights are but am assuming your legal system may be similar to ours in the UK. Although our legal system requires people to do their utmost to facilitate autonomy and personal decisions I am pretty sure that various aspects of your mother's behaviour would heavily mitigate against her having full mental capacity to make her own decisions. With the doctor advising against moving home, and (one hopes) an OT assessment that the idea is not workable, I wonder if there is some legal framework for declaring her incapable and appointing someone to take charge of her affairs.

I assume you don't already have any legal link to her by means of power of attorney or similar, in which case there is no obligation on you to do anything. Indeed you could just wash your hands and go NC again if you are so minded. I don't know what your relationship with your siblings is like, but given you are the closest geographically I would expect them to be harbouring some hope that you may feel this obliges you to step in and do more. Don't. Ultimately if nobody will, I assume there will be some sort of social services obligation to manage her affairs. It is hugely unpleasant to have to deal with others believing her smears and is all the more reason to walk away and not have to deal with this.

Your theory about your mother's reason for wanting to leave sounds about right. Also, if she is in her own home she is in much more control about crying wolf and demanding attention and there will not be anyone on the spot to refute it at once. So she may think she can make people come running on her whim.

I know it is far easier said than done, but it seems to me the best thing is just to back away again. You're already exhausted and have pointed out that this could go on for quite some time.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

[Rebel13]

doglady, I'm so sorry. This sounds heartbreaking and infuriating and frustrating and sad all at the same time. I guess I would ask, what would you like to accomplish? It sounds like you have done your utmost and there isn't any way that you or your siblings can convince your mother that she can't go home. It sounds like the professionals might not even be able to convince her, but they might have authority to see that it doesn't happen.

In that setting, I think you get to take care of yourself. If you can't visit for a while, take a break. If you are completely over it, choosing NC is fine too. Again, it doesn't sound like there is too much of value that either you or your mother get out of the relationship -- no tender moments, no feelings of actual regard. I certainly understand what that is like. Your mother has made her choices throughout her life, and if she is now going to make you out to be the bad guy anyway, why not do what makes the most sense for you? What's that old saw -- "You can't please everyone so you might as well please yourself"?

Wishing you some peace in all this.

[doglady]

Thank you so much NK and Rebel for your considered and empathetic replies. Yes, having less contact is really the only way forward at this stage.

Regarding my mother's mental capacity, she has recently undergone a geriatric cognitive assessment and, while I haven't seen the report, her GP indicated that she 'passed muster.' She can present well up to a point and I don't believe they are seeing the full blown PD lack of insight. Anyway, legally she is regarded to still have capacity. Also, I do not have POA. Nor would I volunteer for it. One of my other siblings can do that if they want.

And, yes, my mother certainly has made choices in her life. She never thinks through the consequences of her actions. But she then often blithely expects 'someone' to 'fix it.' That person does not have to be me, even if I live nearby.

She did also say that she never would've done this to her own mother and that when the time comes she hopes my children don't treat me this way. I pointed out that it was her choice to have my grandmother in our family home. I added that I have already told my own children that I will accept going into aged care if needed. She scoffed and said that I would do no such thing. I said that we would need to agree to disagree on that, which seemed to make her angrier. I was thinking that once upon a time, this blatant FOG attempt might've upset me. Not any more.

Honestly, I just thought I was trying to be compassionate by visiting weekly and having light conversations and getting her various things she needs. However, the line is drawn when it takes a toll on my mental health, which it has been increasingly doing. I do feel sorry for her. But she will never change. She has always been bad for my mental health, no matter what I do. I do know that. All I can do is limit the impact on me.

[Dragonfly]

: :  This post resonated deeply with me... I feel you. I am going through the same stuff with my mother. She has smeared me to the point I can't get the paperwork done to be more available to help. I got written up because I am out of sick time. I just can't do it either.