How to live while trying to survive 16yo narcissistic behavior

[DesperateMom]

Hi, everyone -

I have a 16yo who (in a nutshell):
* has no empathy (never has)
* cannot take accountability (for anything)
* feels entitled ("just do what I want")
* has an outsized sense of injustice ("why am I being called out for this? someone else did the same thing and nothing happened!")
* threatens violence (and is violent) when we tell him "no"
* uses substances (vaping, drinking, cannabis vaping)
* manipulates (finding any loophole in agreements we've made or saying things like "you'd be less stressed if you just let me <activity>")
* gaslights (he hit himself in the face then said his dad did it; tackled his dad and then said "that never happened")
* threatens self-harm to get out of hard situations
* is verbally abusive (e.g., I'm only good for cooking dinner - "get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich")
* harasses me by text and phone (if I don't answer ASAP - "where were you? what if I were dying?")
* is occasionally nice - just enough to think "hmmmm...maybe he is getting it after all"
* never eats when we eat (this seems minor, but I think it's purposefully manipulative...like "hmm, mom made dinner? well I'm not hungry" and then later he uses being hungry as an excuse to go out with kids that drink, etc.)
* thinks nothing is wrong with any of this (we're just too strict as parents)

He's been anxious his whole life and has thrown increasingly age-inappropriate tantrums since clearing the terrible 2s/3s. We've done family based therapy, have seen an in-office family therapist; he's done individual therapy for years. He ended up hospitalized for stabilization after an arrest (drunk/curfew), then in a PHP, then an IOP. However, in most ways, we feel we're in the same place as we were 7 months ago. Part of that is each program seems to hand him off to someone else; I think he's too complex for them to handle and they don't know what to do with him.

I now have a physical reaction to just thinking about the smallest thing that could set him off - the wrong tone in my voice, inadvertently expressing exhaustion or frustration with him, even (god forbid) saying "no" to him. I wake up and am in fight-or-flight until I go to bed. Mobile crisis and police have been at our house multiple times. Every time we are in the car and I am driving, he asks for something either incredibly unreasonable or not allowed due to a grounding - even if I don't react or reply, he escalates to screaming at me and has even grabbed the steering wheel.

All this said - 90-95% of the time he's...fine. Fine-ish. I'd say, average, moody, on-edge teen. But that 5-10% is EXPLOSIVE and scary.

My family is broken and no matter what we try, increasingly centered around my son. I know that boundaries are important. I know I didn't cause this. I know that trying to control things is only going to burn me out. But...
* I'm still responsible for his safety. That requires some measure of control.
* There's no "cure"...but I'm still responsible for seeking and arranging treatment for him.

If it were anyone else in my life who acted like this - I would never be around them. I'm realizing my dad is a little like this and I largely stopped interacting with him after my mom passed away around 18 months ago. (Doesn't help that he got a "lady friend" within months of my mom's passing...or perhaps even while she was alive. Sorry - probably a story for another help forum!)

I'm smart, strong, capable, professionally respected, and high-performing. But I am NOT thriving. I'm a shell of myself. I am literally hoping to get through 5 minutes at a time. I'm terrified every time my phone rings or I get a text. Like - what does he want and where is it going to lead (and I start shaking). I cannot live like this, but I have no choice - he's my minor child. I also know all about grounding techniques, breathing, "take time for yourself" everyone says. But those are all just tiny drops in the bucket of hell that I'm living in.

How - really - how? - do I do this? How do I survive? I'm scared and resentful and am burning through resources. My entire day is driving him to his new special (EXPENSIVE) school and either entertaining him because he cannot be bored or fighting with him about going out with his vaping/drinking/burnout friends. He will not willingly go to a residential facility ("nothing is wrong") and has said if we send him there, he'll kill himself first. He will only end up in a residential facility if it begins with police involvement and involuntary hospitalization.

I cannot reconcile my overwhelming desire to say "I honestly don't care what you do anymore" (exhaustion) and my legal obligation to care for my minor child. I have written off any normal relationship we could have and am now just counting the days until he is 18. This is not how I want to be.

Please share any successes you've had in actually taking care of yourself in a situation like this. I'm not asking you to tell me there is hope for my son, not only because I don't think there is, but because I reject the notion of hope;   it's a lie we tell ourselves to get through difficult times.

Thank you for reading to the end 

[Rebel13]

Hi DesperateMom,

I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I am not a parent, but as a child of a mom with at least strong NPD traits, your description of your life makes my stomach hurt. I have found the articles in the Toolbox section of the site very helpful, but I'm not sure how I would apply them to a minor that I was responsible for. I also feel pretty strongly that it's hard to heal much, if at all, when the abuse is still going on.

There are wonderful people on this forum with lots of wisdom and experience to share about parenting, but I just wanted you to know someone heard you and has empathy for all you are struggling with. Please take care of yourself as best you can and let us know how you are doing.

[DesperateMom]

Thank you so much for replying. This is so isolating and draining and just never feels like it will get better. I'm glad to have found this place.

[DesperateMom]

Things with my son got scary and violent a week ago. We had to hospitalize him for stabilization. He's trying to manipulate me from the hospital. In the 10 minutes a day he has to call, he says things like "you have the power to get me out" and "you don't have to miss me - I could be home giving you a hug". He also "promises to be safe". There is no way we are going to bring him home before transferring him to residential treatment. Zero chance.

But how do I live with myself knowing he's in the right place, but also a terrible place? I should value the fact that he (and I) are both safe, but my guilt, grief, anxiety is so much bigger than appreciating a safe home.

I'm definitely depressed. I've spent an entire day on the sofa barely able to move. I am not sure how I am going to get through this or how to navigate the months that lay ahead of us. I miss him, but I can't tell him that because then he'll just say "bring me home". It's untenable.

[Rebel13]

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I'm not a parent so I can only imagine how difficult this situation is for you. Some of the statements you quote definitely sound like your son is trying everything to manipulate you and it must be so hard to resist your child, even though you know he needs treatment.

Do you have support in your life? Trusted friends or family you can talk to about this, who support you? Do you have a therapist for you? A supportive partner? If your child's other parent is involved, how is that going?

What would happen if you told your son you miss him (because you do) AND that you know he needs to be where he is right now? Would it help you to say that? Would it make things worse?

The thing that has helped me the most in recovering from trauma this past year is learning to regulate my nervous system with the method discussed in this video, using an app like the mindfulness bell. It goes off every 15 minutes and reminds me to check in with myself and take a deep breath or two to reduce my stress response. For me, the frequency has been much more important than spending a longer time working on mindfulness or meditation each day.

I'm also super lucky to have found a great trauma-informed therapist who is helping me a lot.

I hope you can find help and support that works for you. It sounds like you really need it! Come back and let us know how things are going for you.

[Rebel13]

I forgot to say, also, self compassion. I have pooh-poohed that for years, but it REALLY helps me! Here's what I wrote in another thread:

I found a meditation that I like on the Insight Timer app. It is called the "3-Minute Self-Compassion Break" by Karena Neukirchner, and it is helping me respond to myself and my struggles with at least low-level compassion more often. Here is some of what she says, in case it helps you:

"Place your hand on your heart and ask yourself the following questions:  What if it is OK to feel this way right now? What if lots of people struggle like this sometimes? What if there is nothing wrong with me for feeling this way? What if my reaction here actually makes total sense in a way? What if I can soften my heart to myself in this moment exactly as it is? What would it feel like to acknowledge what I am already feeling right now, and love myself anyway? What if I can stop fighting with what is? What would it be like to just accept my feelings right now? What if I deserve compassion? And then just finishing this sentence: 'What if I deserve compassion because...?'"

[square]

Welcome, DesperateMom.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, it sounds so hard.

We do have some parents of PD children posting here, but not so many that you'll get a lot of fast responses from others who have been in your situation. I'm a mom (of a 20 year old) but not a mom to a PD child. The rest of us understand PD but dealing with it as a parent is a very particular situation.

I did wonder if your son might have ASPD (antisocial) traits as well as narcissistic traits.

What you described is a really, really heavy situation. You absolutely have to prioritize everyone's safety, and that absolutely includes yours. You should and must involve authorities and medical and rehabilitative support. I say this explicitly to support your decisions, they were rational and loving and frankly you had no other choice.

It's hard when a PD's voice is extremely loud and demanding. Your son is not going to "understand" that he is not getting what he wants, which is to be at home ruling the roost and exploding to get what he wants. He will not "concede" that his behavior brought him to this place. He will keep telling you loudly and frequently how you have wronged him, because it's his best bet to get what he wants, to wear you down. It's exhausting, it's traumatic, it leaves an ocean of grief.

All you want is to love your son, and this is making everything so hard.

I don't know if you can tell him you miss him and then just "broken record" the "I can't" reply to the inevitable. "I wish I could but I can't." I don't know.

We're all pulling for you, even many people who read this but don't reply.

[hhaw]

DM:

I'm sorry to read about your situation.  I have deep compassion for you, and your family.

There's nothing I can say to fix, or make your situation better.

What I can offer is a book suggested by the Wilderness Program my DD attended.

The book: The Parallel Process by Krissy Pozatek, bc it provides scaffolding for interaction, and boundaries with difficult/struggling children.  I believe it's around kids in recovery, but the tools are still beneficial, IME.

A good trauma informed therapist might be good/great relief for you, if you aren't seeing one already, IME. You deserve support, and a place to share your deepest felt fears.  A place to put them.....a safe place.

Please extend tsunamis of compassion for yourself....
replace judgement with curiosity...
drop expectations.....
embrace radical acceptance, of things outside your power, as you can.

When you forget these things....go back, and practice, as you can.

IME, you're living in fight/flight/freeze/fawn survival mode.....so painful, and it shuts off logic, reason and creative problem solving skills/access to your prefrontal cortex.

Your life improves when you restore the ability to respond, and be responsive, IME.  I needed a Trauma Informed therapist to show me how.

Reactivity helps no one, IME....esp your son. Reactivity is a biochemical response you can't think your way out of, IME.

All you can do is your best.  Learning to do that, then put the story on the shelf, is a coping strategy available to us all.

If the worry worry worry coping strategy, many people employ, worked......I'd still be doing it.


Worrying doesn't help anything...it robs us of joy, IME. It changes nothing.....nothing.  It's counterproductive and negatively impacts your health.

You're going to go through this difficult time, either way.

Suffering less.  Being responsive, and restoring choice is better. Finding joy, available to you, is better.

You have a short window to get your son treatment.  Do your research, and execute the best plan you can.

  Trust you're gut.  Ask social workers for resources, but know your son will be 18 very soon....and beyond your ability to impose treatment.

You're loving your son the way you need to love him.  It can't be the way he wants you to, and that's ok too.  No shame in setting boundaries,and imposing logical consequences..... that's a parent's job.

It won't feel good to impose treatment.  You won't be ok when your son guilts you, but trust your plan, and I hope you read the book.

Wishing you the best possible outcome, ((DM.))