Hoping to hear from longtime NCers who were disinherited or inherited something

[footprint33]

I'm anticipating disinheritance from my parents, though don't know with certainty that it will happen. If they do give me something, it will likely be a small bone since I have two children and they are very protective of their public image. I'm hoping to hear stories from others who have been through this and am interested in all stories. I do not feel like a lesser being if I am disinherited. Rather, I see that act as my FOO's final attempt at trying to make me feel bad. Still, I think that it would help me emotionally and psychologically to know what others have been through and how they managed.

My story is that I am the only daughter and eldest child of three, dutifully played the SG-caretaker role throughout my childhood and adulthood up until I had my first child at age 34 and was treated so maliciously after the birth that I finally woke up. That was 17 years ago. After that, there was a slow period in my life when I was figuring things out and trying to determine whether I should somehow stay in contact with my parents and brothers. I tried grey rocking for years but found that all four FOO members were so toxic that I ultimately went from LC to VLC to NC within a period of seven years. I was then fully NC for 5 years but sent my father what I thought would be "one last email" in 2021 when I heard he was sick and it seemed like the best thing for me to do--not so much for him, but so that I wouldn't have any regrets at never having said goodbye. It was a simple email in which I just wished him well and told him that my life was good. That simple act ended up opening a can of worms, which led to some distant contact (email) with both of my parents and in-person contact on two occasions with one brother. Big mistake, especially with the brother. But that's a long story and I'm now NC again with all and have been since 2024.

Prior to my estrangement, my parents actually made me the executor of both their wills and the wills said that anything from the estate would be divided equally between me and my two brothers once both of our parents passed away. However, that was 17 years ago (I was pregnant with my first at that time), and I would guarantee the will has changed. It's interesting that they made the SG the executor. My mother was the one who delivered the copy of the wills to me, and when she did so, she said that my parents only trusted me and that they did not trust my brothers, in large part due to the women my brothers were with. It was a typical NPD parent thing to do, puffing up one child behind the others' backs.

Anyhow, thank you for any stories and letting me know how you moved on, especially if you were disinherited but even if you were given a small bone or inherited something more substantial.

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[Call Me Cordelia]

My parents are still living too, but I'm anticipating the "estate" won't be worth much. In fact I would not be surprised if they just leave behind a lot of debt. I don't want or expect anything from them in any case. Are you concerned about still being named as the executor? You can opt out.

If I should inherit anything some day, I expect I would turn right around and donate it to a good cause so they do some good with what they had.

[footprint33]

I am not expecting any inheritance at all. However, if any comes my way, I will take it without looking back or feeling bad. We are a family of four and can use any form of funding at this point. I've been fully financially independent since I was 22 (now 51). In the meantime, both of my brothers have received enormous amounts of money from my parents well into their adult years--down payments on homes, cars, got their credit cards paid well into their 30s and probably later. 20 years ago, I also gave my youngest brother my only car when I had no other car because my parents had given the GC brother multiple cars. I supported that youngest brother as best I could financially, emotionally, physically (he lived with me) for years. In the meantime, I had barely any money. It was crazy. I learned a lot about that co-dependency of mine in therapy.

I was also a passenger in a near-fatal car accident when I was 27 and sustained major injuries, including 3 skull fractures and a hematoma on my brain. My father and the GC brother, both lawyers, not only did not help me navigate the huge health and legal mazes I found myself thrust into, but my father insisted I not sue the guy's insurance (an ex boyfriend) who got me into the accident even though three witnesses, one of whom was an off-duty EMT, stated that the accident was clearly that guy's fault and that he had run a red-light.

I didn't sue and was later told by multiple attorneys that I could have made hundreds of thousands of dollars, if not more. The ex-boyfriend cheated on me 2 years later and called me "damaged goods" and "old" (I'd just turned 30), to which my parents both told me I needed to get over it because I have such a big pride and "he's a good guy." That accident was almost half my life ago and I still have residual health issues from it.

So yeah, won't have any issue if any money comes my way when they die. But I highly doubt any will.

If they leave me as the executor, I will file the will that they sent to me. But I also doubt they left me as the executor.

[Liketheducks]

My parents are still alive...and I've been NC/VLC with Dad for nearly 40 years, mom about 7.    I don't expect there will be anything there to inherit.   We were homeless when I was a teen.   There are no assets.   My only brother is also NC. 

About 7 years ago, while in the hospital, Mom named me as the person to call about her care.   Changing it from my brother's wife in a dramatic gesture to the person admitting her.   

I know I'll likely be the only family member called in an emergency or when they pass.   I'm just frozen thinking about what I'll do then.   Have a funeral?? For people I don't have a relationship with?  For who?   Extended family who've been told what a horrible daughter I am?   It all seems pointless to me. 

If I'm left anything at all, I'd be completely surprised.   And, if I do get anything, I'd likely donate it to charity.   I don't think I want any part of it.   

[footprint33]

 

I know I'll likely be the only family member called in an emergency or when they pass.   I'm just frozen thinking about what I'll do then.   Have a funeral?? For people I don't have a relationship with?  For who?   Extended family who've been told what a horrible daughter I am?   It all seems pointless to me.

That sounds like a hard position to be in, Liketheducks, and definitely a burden. Funerals are a big deal. Your mother offloading this duty on you seems like she's trying in some way to force you back into the family fold. My situation is very different in that I'm sure my brothers will hold funerals and make a big deal of them, and I won't be organizing anything related to that. I've also already decided that I'm not going to either of my parents' funerals. My brothers were never very involved nor helpful to my parents throughout our lives. That was my job. But from what I know, now that death is closer for my parents, my brothers are very involved. 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think I might have been disinherited.
 
I have been NC with my only golden child sibling for over seven years, and VLC with elderly parents for that same time. 
   
Up to that time, both parents routinely spoke about wanting to split their estate equally in half between me and my sister. They gave me a copy of their Will 12 years ago, but I believe they changed it since then.
         
My dad actually sent me and my husband an email a couple years ago in which he said verbatim that he did not like my attitude toward the family and unless I changed, he was having me disinherited. I did not know how to reply, but after a couple weeks I did reply that instead of his money I would have preferred his unconditional love. He called me and said that he did not really mean it.         
     
Around one year after that email, he told me he removed me from being the Executor of their Will and gave it my sister instead and claimed he knew I would hate them all for having made that change.   
               
My dad died last year. My mom is in hospice care, so the end is close for her. I do not know for sure what I am going to do about contesting the Will. I did ask my mom about one month ago if she still intended to split the estate 50/50 with me and my sister and she said she did. I made a video recording of our conversation just for my own records.
           
I called a lawyer who said cases of estate litigation are costly and time consuming. I am so tired of fighting for myself. I am tired of dealing with these people. I do not feel like investing any of my time and money on anything associated with them even if it means I lose inheritance.
   
Right now, I am not doing anything. I am on the fence with what I might do when mom dies.   
   
 
 

[Rebel13]

Blueberry Pancakes, it makes so much sense for you to settle into the unknown for now regarding your parents' estate! You don't have to figure it out right now. And if you decide you don't want to "fight," you absolutely can walk away. There isn't any right or wrong in these situations. Lots of people will have opinions but the only one that matters is yours.

When the time comes, you might feel more clear about how you want to proceed, or you might figure things out one step at a time.

I hope this doesn't seem disrespectful, but sometimes I find the Magic 8 Ball really helpful. When it gives me an answer to a question, I can tell from my reaction whether that's the right answer for me or not. There are lots of other oracles that are more detailed and give lots of food for thought, like tarot cards or the I Ching, if you like that sort of thing.

[footprint33]

Hi Blueberry Pancakes and Rebel13,

Blueberry Pancakes, I feel like we're in a very similar boat. I really like that you had a chance sometime in your past to tell your father you'd prefer unconditional love to their money. I've also learned that contesting a will is very costly and draining. There is no doubt in my mind that my GC brother, who is a lawyer, will do his very best to get me out of the will entirely. I read that if the executor has a lot to inherit and is a lawyer, this could backfire on him because courts look very closely and can be skeptical of executors who are also lawyers and have a lot to inherit. But it may still not be worth it for me to contest the will and to just move on with my life.

I'm wondering how I'll feel if I get word that I've been disinherited, which is one of the reasons I wrote this post. I imagine that some are disinherited and feel down or angry, and others feel that being disinherited further validates their understanding of how the NPD parent will do whatever is in their power to hurt the SG.

Rebel13, I agree that when the time comes, the path to take on these things will probably become more clear. We're in limbo at this point. I had a Magic 8 Ball in college and used it sometimes. I also flip coins when I'm completely undecided on something 

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[Blueberry Pancakes]

Rebel and Footprint, I think a magic 8 ball or Tarot cards or flipping a coin is as good as anything at getting off the fence of indecision.
 
When I received my dad's email a few years ago which threatened disinheritance, I felt a level of relief because it was clear validation of the dysfunction. It also felt like one last punch in the gut. I was actually at peace with letting it all go. Then, he had to call back and say he did not really mean it, and I felt like he just pulled me back into the slime.
     
 
   

[xredshoesx]

i'm pretty sure there's nothing for me to inherit except debt but if some sort of financial carrot was dangled my way to resume contact, i'd refuse it.  all money isn't good money, but DH and I are in a position financially to say NO as well-

NC with biological mother 30+ years, 27 years NC with half brother,  VLC with biological father

[walking on broken glass]

For me, a big part of the inheritance had already been decided by my dad's will. Unfortunately both the family home and part of the holiday home are split between me and my sister. If my mum decides to disinherit me, it will only affect her 1/3 of ownership - I will still own 1/3 and will be tied to my sister. Sometimes I think that I should have refused to accept my dad's will. Then I would be free of all that. But my friends were telling me it is unfair that my horrible sister gets everything. When my mum dies, it will be a complicated web to untangle as I fully expect that my sister will make as much trouble as possible.

[1footouttadefog]

I have not inherited from a will, but have been executor twice.  Brace yourself.

One trap is that heirs will see everything as super valuable and sentemental and won't want it sold.  Then when the things in their collum start adding up, and likely they will not getting any cash from the estate they will argue that those items they have im their column  have no value afterall but are still sentimental and don't need sold.

Also be aware of them selling items.  They will keep part of cash or sell to a friend for later rebuy etc.

Everything has to be documented.   

[DM178]

Hello All,

The "disinheritance game" has been a long play in my family.....no outright announcements, but reading between the lines I am pretty sure I have been disinherited...BPDM has successfully groomed a few sons who have lived off of her and will inherit everything once she passes.....

Those of us who created our own lives, had boundaries and a life of our own, were cast aside in many ways....and ultimately will be disinherited....

In retrospect, no amount of $$ is worth the long term dysfunctional alignment to a mentally ill parent...

everyone, stay healthy and well!

[footprint33]

The "disinheritance game" has been a long play in my family.....no outright announcements, but reading between the lines I am pretty sure I have been disinherited...BPDM has successfully groomed a few sons who have lived off of her and will inherit everything once she passes.....

Those of us who created our own lives, had boundaries and a life of our own, were cast aside in many ways....and ultimately will be disinherited....

In retrospect, no amount of $$ is worth the long term dysfunctional alignment to a mentally ill parent...

  This is a great post, DM178. I found a thread on Reddit about the same topic and there were quite a few people who chimed in to say that for those who developed boundaries with their toxic parents, they were cut out of the will. In that sense, as hard as it may be in some ways, getting disinherited could also be a badge of honor. There are other videos on youtube I found from therapists who say that getting disinherited can have a negative impact on the scapegoat's sense of self because this final act of the parent is a very material and visible way of saying "you are not worth as much as my other children."

I suspect that my paternal grandmother had NPD. One of the things she did at the end of her life was to donate the large bulk of her wealth, which was actually acquired by her husband's father (my great grandfather) to a charity. My father and his 10 siblings received some chump change in the will. At the time that this happened, I knew nothing about NPD and everyone in the family openly talked about how our grandmother was a saint. But behind the scenes, I did hear my father and his siblings remark that our grandmother's act had hurt the family and that there were so many kids and grandkids who were in need of financial support at that time. My grandmother lived a very cushy life off of her husband's father's money, much cushier than most of the kids and grandkids ended up living. It's worth noting that my great grandfather was a very poor immigrant and built his wealth over decades. Then she gave it all away to charity on her deathbed, keeping it away from my great grandfather's grandchildren and great grandchildren.

That kind of story shows that the NPD parent will often not only exclude the scapegoat from the will, but will even deny other children in the family the money, finding a way to go out in glory as if they're some savior through their "charity."

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[1footouttadefog]

You don't have to be an executor just because you ha e been so named.  Of you ha e no skin in the game, no inheritance, no relationships you feel warm about giving that much effort toward them refuse to serve.  The court will appoint one of your siblings. Perhaps they will even fight for that, and then it will proceed with you out of the circus.

[footprint33]

You don't have to be an executor just because you ha e been so named.  Of you ha e no skin in the game, no inheritance, no relationships you feel warm about giving that much effort toward them refuse to serve.  The court will appoint one of your siblings. Perhaps they will even fight for that, and then it will proceed with you out of the circus.

In my case, I'm pretty sure that my lawyer GC brother will be named the executor in my parents final way. He will probably find a way of getting me out of the will even if my parents haven't already disinherited me.

[Adria]

Hi Footprint,

Years and years ago, my father made me the executor of his estate. My dad stole quite a bit of money from me and denied it for the last 35 years.  I too, told him I would rather have his unconditional love than his money, and he was welcome to disinherit me, so he couldn't hold it over my head anymore and we could both have peace in our lives. 

He then made one of my brother in laws the executor.  I saw how miserable the money had made everyone in my family and could have cared less if I was disinherited. I planned on it and didn't let that bother me in the least.

I've been NC over 30 years with my whole family.  My sisters kissed up for the inheritance.  My mom passed away ten years ago. My dad passed away last September.  My sisters cut me out of the obituary and yes, I was disinherited.  My sisters are now very rich.

BIL called and said my dad left me a strange amount of money, and no one could figure out what that amount meant. I couldn't call it an inheritance because it was the exact amount of money he stole from me and denied all those years ago.  One last finger in my eye, but it was an admission of his guilt and that he knew what he had done. I bet he thought he was brilliant. 

[footprint33]

BIL called and said my dad left me a strange amount of money, and no one could figure out what that amount meant. I couldn't call it an inheritance because it was the exact amount of money he stole from me and denied all those years ago.  One last finger in my eye, but it was an admission of his guilt and that he knew what he had done. I bet he thought he was brilliant. 

I'm glad you got left what he stole from you, Adria. Thank you for sharing how you stepped away, were disinherited, but are living your life. This is very validating for me at this stage of my life. Before going NC, I also gave inordinate amounts of money, plus time, energy, love, etc. to my parents and brothers. I carried one brother on my back financially and emotionally up until his early 30s, at which point he met a very rich woman who was also quite cruel. He dropped me like a sack of potatoes at that point and never returned any of the thousands of favors I'd shown to him since childhood, nor did he care about my wellbeing as I'd so cared for his over the years.

There's a side of me that feels it's so unfair if my brothers, neither of whom contributed in the ways I did, run off with the money. But I also realize that I've got my life, which is something they definitely don't have, and that's priceless. I've started to believe more in cosmic justice and that they will get theirs, or already have, based on how they've treated me and others in this world. No amount of money will save them there.

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[Invisiblewoman]

I went full no contact. About 5 years ago. Not everyone involved is a bad person. They just don't know anything, and have been told so many lies, it's just not worth going back. Really has been twisted for so long it's not worth fixing it.

Honestly after some of the things that were said and done you couldn't pay me to go back.

[footprint33]

I went full no contact. About 5 years ago. Not everyone involved is a bad person. They just don't know anything, and have been told so many lies, it's just not worth going back. Really has been twisted for so long it's not worth fixing it.

Honestly after some of the things that were said and done you couldn't pay me to go back.

Hi Invisible Woman, I agree that not everyone is bad. However, there were some people from my previous life, especially aunts and cousins, and a few friends in the shared social network with FOO, who stopped responding to anything I wrote to them, never asked me if something happened, pretty much wrote me off and sided with FOO. I feel like we survivors of this insidious treatment are first abused by FOO, then we are abused in a second way, which is by FOO's proxies and seemingly unknowing people who do their bidding.

The good news is that there have been some good people who came out of the woodwork, asked me what happened, asked me how I'm doing, etc. But those have been far and few between. The whole experience of being mistreated, standing up for myself, getting the cold shoulder by FOO's proxies, was actually good at the end of the day because it taught me a lot about human nature and showed me who the truly loving people were in my life. For all those people who just dropped me, probably believing whatever lies FOO told them, they never really loved me to begin with.

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