Church deacon "praying for relationship" with me and sister, don't need that

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I am at a point where I do not need anyone from a prescribed approach to religion to be involved with any of these dynamics that they certainly will not ever understand.
   
My mom is in hospice care. They know my mom is catholic. They asked someone from the local church to pray with her which I believe is part of the hospice offerings. That is fine. I knew the church was offering a service in my mother's name last week along with several other individuals. I went to that service. I saw the deacon afterward and told him who my mother was. He asked why other family members were not present, and I just said that "we are estranged" and do not have a relationship. He said he will be praying for my sister and I and that in the end there is reconciliation. I just said "thanks" and kept walking.
 
It really, really irked me. He was inserting his view of "religion" where it does not belong and where I never asked him to be. To me, that was his view as a human. Regardless of his book education, he does not speak for God and certainly does not carry His voice to me. He is just some guy.     
           
It felt intrusive. It felt like he was telling me I will be judged and sentenced. What in the actual #$%^ is that?
 
I have been up and down and all around on this for about 10 years. I am good with where I am spiritually. I owe nothing to anyone who abuses me. I certainly owe nothing to a sibling. I have a given right to protect myself - which I am and will continue to do. 
 
This deacon is a stranger to me and has no idea of the details of this dysfunction, damages done, or what he is even talking about. I brushed it off, but it showed me why I stopped attending church regularly several years ago.
 
Thanks. 
     
 
 
 
     

[xredshoesx]

sending gentle hugs

i'm probably the least religious person here, but I see you and feel your frustration-  I think that members of the clergy have 'template' or 'standard' ways to respond to grief based on their faith-based training and the trying to offer grief support for someone you had a dysfunctional relationship with isn't something they are prepared to do.

please be gentle with yourself today. 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thanks, Redshoes. Yes, I agree with what you said about having a 'template' or 'standard' ways to respond to grief based on their faith-based training and the trying to offer grief support for someone you had a dysfunctional relationship with isn't something they are prepared to do.
 
Very well stated. Thanks.

[moglow]

Blueberry Pancakes, that's the kind of superficial platitude that sets so many of us apart from any religious interest at all. No questions about what you might need or how he might help during this time, just a blanket tossed over the situation. That just feels icky and somehow intrusive, if not just plain judgmental. You kinda want to say, Dude read the room here! 

I'm glad all are not that way, that some are able to genuinely reach out with warmth and compassion during a difficult time. Finding those people isn't easy unfortunately.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thanks, Moglow. Yes, exactly ... "No questions about what you might need or how he might help during this time, just a blanket tossed over the situation. That just feels icky and somehow intrusive, if not just plain judgmental. You kinda want to say, Dude read the room here!" 
     
I feel fortunate that I have educated myself so much on these dynamics that I am not swayed by the statements of others with no clue. But, ya, it felt icky. 
 
 
   
 

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm sorry too. That stinks that the one off interaction you had landed so badly. I agree that there's a lack of awareness here. Even amongst people I call friends, I still get, "Oh I hope you can reconcile some day." I think for many people, it's unthinkable that reconciliation is not a possible or desirable outcome! Some of those people are in positions of authority in churches. It's especially tricky to know what to say when as in this situation you don't know anything about it... the deacon very well may have thought he was offering kind intentions. Blah. If you were invested in the relationship or went to that church other than a one-off, it might be worth a conversation, but sometimes, "Well bless his heart," and let that be that.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thanks, Cordelia. Yes, good point that "for many people, it's unthinkable that reconciliation is not a possible or desirable outcome." So true.
 
The estrangement, the no contact, the not having any relationship actually IS the objective.
 
   

[Call Me Cordelia]

Right there with ya, Blueberry.