Married to Avoidant Personality Man 35yrs

[MayIBHeard]

Hi all,
I recently learned what's the issue that's been going on in my 35yr marriage.  My husband has Avoidant Personality.  There was always something missing in our relationship but I could never put my finger on what the problem was.  I have felt extremely lonely in our almost 40yr relationship.  My eyes have been opened and I am so longing for friendship with someone who understands this.  The world sees him as the greatest guy in the world.  To me, ive felt he just doesn't care.  Can he be both?  I believe i have found my answer.  I am not well and I am now disabled and cannot imagine leaving.  I am hoping to find happiness for myself while understanding my husband better and staying together.
Thank you for reading.

[notgoodenough]

The sentiments and self-doubt you expressed are very common for someone that has been in a long term relationship with someone with PD. It is not uncommon for people with PD traits to be very charming and personable on the surface, so no you aren't crazy. Those relationships he has are likely only superficial, especially if he is avoidant. This superficial charm and adoration of others is a large part of what becomes so damaging for the loved ones living with someone with PD. You feel crazy, like you are living in another reality, and that you must be "the problem." You have probably been dismissed and told many times you are being overly sensitive, or something to that degree. When you get angry, you are probably labeled crazy and irrational. This is then used to justify their treatment of you. Please be gentle with yourself. It isn't you, and you are not crazy. Avoidant traits are very painful for the partner on the receiving end of the avoidance, for exactly the reason you describe. You are repeatedly being told, either in words or actions, that your needs are too much or ridiculous, and therefore unimportant. This kind of pervasive dismissiveness can contribute greatly to chronic health conditions.

The ways to cope is to carve out your own space. A bedroom, "she shed" or anywhere you can comfortably retreat to when being treated badly. Increase your supports outside the home with disability support groups, library groups, book clubs, volunteerism, etc. If he makes fun of or scoffs at your new activities, just nod and smile, and keep doing it anyway. It can also help to remember that people with PD don't know how or able to show love in the conventional ways. Try to find the small unconventional ways he shows love. In his mind maybe simply providing financial support "should" be enough from him. We know that isn't actual love. But if they are following their own definitions, they at least really believe they love you. I know when I broke and started having major medical issues because of the years of emotional abuse and lack of support from my ex-husband I stopped being useful to him. So then I was cast aside like garbage after being the primary breadwinner the entire time. I hope this helps and you find more support here. Just remember, you aren't "crazy and it isn't all in your head. Most of the time we couldn't make the stuff they do up if we wanted to.   

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi, May.

I've been married for 17 years, and my own husband has some significant avoidant traits. He is not severe enough to have a PD imho, but the avoidant behaviors are hurtful to me. I do relate to feeling like I'm just asking too much in terms of intimacy... but where to turn for that if not my husband?!? I have developed a couple of emotionally intimate friendships with other women to help fill the gap. It doesn't really do that, while they are a gift in their own right. There is no substitute with marriage. It does get very lonely.

We both come from significant family trauma and I suspect his father may in fact meet the criteria for Avoidant Personality Disorder. My husband sometimes sees dimly that we're missing out, but then it gets to be too much and he withdraws again. And it hurts again.

He is a dedicated father and provider and he has expressed frustration that that's not enough for me. I often feel he's looking to check an intimacy box which is just a non-starter right there. Anniversaries and such are often disappointing.

[Notreallysureanymore]

Hello May,

You're not alone. My husband hasn't been officially diagnosed with anything- in fact, the counselors we've seen usually think he's a great guy. But what you described sounds exactly like him.

I developed an autoimmune disease, which he attributes to my childhood trauma, and he seems frustrated by it. At the same time, he doesn't acknowledge any impact his own behavior might have. From his perspective, he believes he loves me well, and when I try to express how I feel, he sees me as ungrateful or overreacting. He's even told me that no one would love me the way he does and that I'd be poor without him- even though when we met, I was supporting myself and buying his food and I know how to work. After these moments, he often tries to be intimate without addressing anything that was said. He even tells me he is so humble and always apologizes when he never does anything wrong.

Over time, this made me question myself and feel like I was the problem. Finding this forum has been a huge relief, and I'm so grateful to have a space where people understand.

The past 15 years have been very lonely, and it helps to know I'm not the only one going through something like this.