Letting go

[walking on broken glass]

I have been thinking for a while of whether I should write a final goodbye letter to my mum. I wrote a letter a couple of months ago but I did not send it because I still had reservations: whether my mum would react badly, whether it would upset me more, whether it would upset her for no good reason etc. It is not just about the latest events that led to our estrangement but our relationship in general, her consistent enabling of my sister's bad behaviour towards me and her tendency to put my sister above my mental health. It talks about the deep dysfunction in our family that noone wants to acknowledge and shows that the current events did not spring out of thin air, but were built little by little. It is clinical but also raw and lets my deep sadness and anger show. It is, in brief, what I have always wanted to shout from the rooftops but never did.

I have now reached a stage where I think I am ready to send the letter because I am ready to say goodbye and let go (well, as ready as I will ever be). I know that she won't understand, I don't even want her to understand: I just want to express myself and give voice to my story. Not to hurt her or shock her. Just to know that I have for once openly expressed myself to her, that I have spoken my truth. I know she will twist my words, she will say it is not me, that I am manipulated etc. but I don't care. I just want to say my piece.

I have blocked my family on all apps, and I have even migrated my email to a new address. The only way they can reach me is by post. So I took all precautions to protect myself from the fallout. In the letter I explicitly say that I do not want to be in touch with her anymore and that this is goodbye. There is a small part of me that still wonders if I am being too cruel, if I should say that I am willing to reconnect if she takes accountability. But then I remind myself that should she really want to take accountability, she would find a way to do it without needing an encouragement from me.

I asked a good friend to read the letter and she also thinks it will be empowering for me to send it. It just makes me sad, thinking this is truly the end.

[Call Me Cordelia]

This does sound like it can be a healthy step, WOBG. At the very least, I bet even writing such a letter is clarifying and closure-bringing.

This is timely for me because I have an opportunity to write something similar to my own MIL. (Will elaborate in another thread later, don't wish to hijack you!) I have a copy of Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, and as I recall in the end she goes into great detail about when and how and why to confront your parent. Including by letter. A lot of it is outdated, but I plan to revisit this while I decide what to do. Maybe it's helpful to you too?

I also feel your dilemma about whether you should say if she takes accountability you'll reconnect. But that puts you in the position of being expected to accept that what she calls accountability really is, and deciding if her change of heart is genuine... My gut says that would be a double edged sword you're putting on yourself, right at the same time you are wanting to truly release your mother from understanding and rebuilding with you. I think it's kinder to be consistent. Do you have hope for that or don't you? "If you take accountability..." is more like a last ditch ultimatum that's going to be really hard or impossible to navigate without a great deal of upheaval if that ball lands back in your lap. If you mean goodbye, let it be goodbye. As you rightly say, your mother can take accountability with or without you. You are not withholding peace and healing from her, just your presence in her life. She can come to terms with the just consequences of her choices, and even if she doesn't, you can't have brought her peace anyway.

Actually writing that paragraph helped me a lot, so thank you for sharing!

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you Cordelia. I haven't read the book but will look for it. It sounds like it will be helpful.

You are absolutely right about the ultimatum part. I think the little child in me holds out a tiny hope that my mum will take accountability but my adult self knows this is not the case and that what she would consider accountability would probably not be enough for me. I will leave the letter as it is, just saying goodbye.

[moglow]

Cordelia makes good points - if your (our) mothers felt remorse and wanted to work at making things right with us, seems they would have by now. Telling them "If you will ..." leaves a door open, not just for them but in some ways for you too. A cord tying to them, if you will, that there's still an expectation.

I recently sent mine a very abbreviated version of my writings over the years, focused only on recent events since I'd already told her this is just not enough for me anymore. She'd told me she doesn't want to hear it, that she's not going to talk about "the past" which meant anything that holds her accountable. Anyhoo, She responded with a snippy "she doesn't intend to spend her time responding to what she's read." Good - I didn't ask for and don't want or require more of *that* anyway! It just confirmed for me that she received it, regardless of what she chooses to do now.

WOBG, it's not likely to be easy, but know you're not walking it alone either. I'm sure we'll have doubts and hard days, but I'm more sure that the peace will be well worth it. Peace be with you!

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you so much Moglow. I wish you peace and serenity too 😊

[moglow]

I'm not usually one to suggest giving them any more of our time or words. We've done that, over and over. At the same time I deeply dislike being accused of silent treatment when there's simply nothing left to say. I think we have to learn to be accountable to ourselves first. Be the person we can see in the mirror, without flinching or turning away. It's not easy but I pray it will be in time.

[Liketheducks]

I'm there with you....sans the letter.   I've had a big conversation with her a few years back.    Not really the "if you do this, I can have a relationship with you".   In my case, my mom cut me off and then told the family that I had cut her off.   I no longer care.   It is clear that my mom has a pattern of creating a villain to get validation from people.   That's another very long post.   The conversation started with good intentions, but it was obvious that it wouldn't "stick".   At the time it brought me a little peace, but ended up being a waste of breath.

Yesterday I was having brunch with a good friend.   She was asking about mom.   We've been friends for 35 yrs.  So, she's seen the ups and downs of me coming Out of the FOG.   She asked me if I'd heard from Mom....and I explained that, no, I hadn't.   Then asked if I had reached out to Mom.....and no, I hadn't.   For me, I just can't step into a relationship with Mom where she seems genuinely entitled to time with me, but unwilling or unable to do anything to maintain a relationship...while also denigrating me to anyone who will listen.   My dear friend listened and then said....families can be so difficult....but I've never seen a mother so openly hostile as yours.   She didn't blame me for letting go.   It was such a relief to have someone, anyone, see this for what it is and not "but she's your MOTHER".   

At the end of the day, you get to be the adult in the room who says....this isn't a trend...this is what I need for my own peace.   It is so very difficult to radically accept that this is what this is.   We've all tried, so very hard.    It is ok to let go.

[walking on broken glass]

My dear friend listened and then said....families can be so difficult....but I've never seen a mother so openly hostile as yours.   She didn't blame me for letting go.

This must have been so validating for you to hear. I am glad your friend sees you he situation for what it is.

I sent the letter this morning. I don't feel relief but I don't regret it either. I think I am just sad and depleted.

[moglow]

 Now do yourself a huge favor: don't sit there waiting for her, not for a response or anything else. Get out and live a life you're happy with. Change what you can and adjust where needed. Just do it with your whole heart and pull others in with you.

Be the good we want to see in the world! 🩷

[NarcKiddo]

 

[walking on broken glass]

Now do yourself a huge favor: don't sit there waiting for her, not for a response or anything else. Get out and live a life you're happy with. Change what you can and adjust where needed. Just do it with your whole heart and pull others in with you.

Be the good we want to see in the world! 🩷

Aww that's so nice. Thank you Moglow and NarcKiddo ♥️

[Liketheducks]

Absolutely!   Just do it.  Live your one beautiful life with abandon!

My life has been so much more peaceful and I've had so many amazing adventures since accepting that this is who they are.   I have friends who have become my family.   Do I sometimes still feel guilt about how things have ended up, yes.   But, it is more with curiousity.   I will examine if my actions and boundaries in line with my integrity.   Then I process those feelings.   But, I'm not at all sorry that about where I am in relation to my parents right now.  It is sad how things have turned out....but I'm not responsible for their emotions and no longer tie myself into knots trying to keep the peace.

I saw something online that resonated with me today.    The one loss a NPD can never recover from is when they push a victim past the point of pain.   A NPD gives someone so much pain that their entire tolerance for pain gets burned out. When that person stops fearing pain the way they used to...their fear of losing things starts dying...the fear of being alone starts dying....  Once that happens it becomes irreversible.   When a person reaches that point the push back they (we) give is on a different level.  We stop with ordinary resistance, emotional begging mixed with anger.   It is not half detachment or temporary distance.   It is a force from having nothing left to protect.   That is what destroys the cycle.  Because when that happens, we are no longer negotiating with our pain....we've already crossed that threshold.    The NPD loses....because they've created a version of a person that they can never control again. The NPD pushed us so far that fear, guilt, threats stopped working.   When you reach the point where you feel you have nothing left to lose, the NPD loses their entire system of control.

I'm about there.   I no longer care what the rest of the family thinks of me.   The smear campaign no longer matters.   This is what letting go means to me.   It is the radical acceptance that my mom isn't going to change and meeting her on a level, if I do, that feels right for me.

[walking on broken glass]

That's beautifully written, Likethebducks, and it resonates so much with me.
I was just discussing with my partner how I did not say those things I put to my letter earlier, because I thought I had some kind of peaceful relationship with my parents and I did not want to rock the boat. But after the way my mum behaved, I realized the relationship is not salvageable and that I had nothing to lose by speaking my mind and letting go. After years and years of twisting into knots, compromising, going silent, and accepting a burden that was not mine to bear, I have decided that I am truly done. It's beyond the point of repair.

[Adria]

Walking on Broken Glass,

I would send the letter. I did. They never responded. Didn't expect them to, but I got to say my piece.

It sounds like you still would like to keep some hope of her taking some accountability and hopefully get reconciliation on some level.  If you are afraid of stating a final goodbye, (which may feel drastic to you), maybe leave that part out of the letter.  Just state your thoughts and feelings.  You can make it a final goodbye or not without having to state it. You will also have more power either way letting them guess. That way, if by some miracle something should change, you don't have it set in stone and don't have to eat crow if you decide to go back and reconcile on some level.

Sorry this is so hard. I wish you the best. Hugs, Adria

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks Adria

I guess that my letter arrived because my mum today called my friend's mum (not the one she was in touch with, another one) and asked for my friend's number. I had warned my friend about my mum and she had blocked her on Facebook (as have all my friends by now) so my mum had to escalate. Apparently my mum didn't give a reason why she wanted the number, just asked for it, and the other mum gave it to her. She has been calling my friend but she didn't pick up and has now blocked her number too.

If this is my mum's reaction to my letter, she is operating under blind panic. It's sad to watch and also frustrating.

[NarcKiddo]

Well, I guess it is kind of good to know the letter got there. When there is a big, fat nothing in response it is easy to default to supposing it did not arrive, and then from there it is easy to second-guess, consider making contact just to find out etc etc. I'm glad your friend has blocked her.

I seem to recall you saying your mother can contact you by post. So if she wants to make amends she can write a heartfelt letter to that effect. She's not doing that. She's making it all about her.

Hang in there.

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks Narckiddo.
I just don't know if this reaction is because she has received the letter. Maybe she just decided to escalate because she couldn't get through to my friends on Facebook anymore. But maybe it's not important why she is reacting like that. If the letter hasn't arrived, I hope it gets there soon. As you said, she can contact me by post - and by email.

[moglow]

😠 She went to your friend's mother to get her phone number?? I smell a smear campaign in the making. No matter what she says or does, you remember: that's not your stuff. It's not going to be your stuff. Her stuff is not your stuff. Repeat as needed. 

And I'm sorry, but does your mother even know these friends? Mo dislikes. Mo dislikes this a lot. She needs to leave your friends and everyone else out of that situation.

[walking on broken glass]

I have known this friend from uni and she was invited to our place a few times and my mum was in some kind of contact with her mum (like when my dad died, my friend and her mum called to give their condolences). But they weren't friends or anything like that! What she did is outrageous. Thankfully both my friend and her mum have handled this very well. My mum called back my friend's mum to ask why my friend is not picking up the phone, and her mum consulted my friend first, and then replied to my mum that she (my friend) is not telling her anything and that she refuses to interfere. I hope this will put an end to her behaviour.

[moglow]

My mum called back my friend's mum to ask why my friend is not picking up the phone, 

😳 Because she's not required to answer OR provide a reason maybe??! That's not their stuff, mom. Leave other people out of it.