New and just starting divorce

[OliveandEve2020]

Hey all,

I just joined this community and I'm currently in the early stages of divorce from my husband of 17 years. We have four children, three with special needs, and I know that custody will be a major issue. My question is how exactly am I supposed to provide evidence? I do have some, but honestly, he is very covert. And I know that this might sound a bit paranoid, but he is in a career field where he is able to monitor my electronics. He also carries an anti-recording device... I'm just worried that no one is going to believe me, and I'm going to end up looking insane in court.

Thanks for reading
-M

[Poison Ivy]

If at all possible, hire a lawyer to represent you in the divorce. Look for someone who has experience with "high-conflict marriages."

[MaxedOut]

The book Splitting was helpful for me (it's by a lawyer experienced in divorces involving PDs). It was bracing, for sure, but knowing how things can go sideways helped me not contribute to escalation, keep an even keel on negotiations, and meant I wasn't as thrown by the abusive and distorted stuff because I was prepared for it and read about much worse. There is a fair amount on children custody (I skipped or skimmed as no kids). I also found the book of BIFF (brief informative friendly firm) communications helpful during the divorce.

[hhaw]

1.  Keep a journal with dates, times and facts. If witnesses involve over, note them, maybe let them know what you're up against.

At some point, you may need a list of potential witnesses, what they'll say, and perhaps notarized statements from them. 

Keep facts simple, short and provide the high points only.  Judges tend to read the first sentence of a paragraph only, so say my last divorce attorney.

You'll be crafting the theory of your case based on the evidence you have.

If you blurt out emotionally charged facts, you can't document or prove, you'll look as unhinged as your story, IME.

Remember, the stbx will be crafting believable stories, about you, so don't give your ex opportunity to document any unhinged behavior from you.

If you can, have friends, neighbors and family around you, as often as possible.  The PD will likely behave better, and you'll have witnesses around you.

Don't be afraid to ask for help.  Sooner or later you'll be forced to ask .....do it before the wheels are coming off.....it will save you time, expens and trouble/trauma, IME.

If you have a small, trusted group of supporters....ask for their help to make logical decisions, then stick to them when the stbx escalates tactics.

If he's fighting the divorce.....expect escalation till he gains your compliance.  Some have a scorch d earth policy ....
some don't.  What does your gut say about your stbx? 

Do you feel he'll spend everything, sacrifice your children's mental/physical health, maybe physically harm you.....mif he doesn't get what he wants?

Evidence can be texts, notes, calendar, journal(carefully crafted for court/just the helpful facts) and recently things, though it's expensive to have transcripts made...and time consuming.  They didn't help me much.

Whatever you collect....keep it secret, keep it safe.  Your stbx will be sabotaging you at every turn.....using access to the kids as opportunity, erasing your computer evidence, and maybe recording you.

I believe cameras in your home require hardwiring......maybe not now.  They did 20 years ago, IME. I was super paranoid, bc my stbx was crafty and threw out lots of threats.....did terrible things....drove by at all hours ...used the kids.

In the end..... Some evidence was helpful.  Some not.  As I said..... you'll be crafting your theory around what you can prove.

Save everything.

Find your sane, logical group of supporters and ask for help. 

I had an elderly friend sit over me while I slept, after the police came out once.  It saved me a world of trouble.....she was witness to disprove fake text messages created by my stbx stating we had hit sex after police left... "Ooo baby, hot like Jerry Springer sex."

It would have gotten the case dismissed, which did happen, but at least my attorney didn't believ those texts, bc he threw them in my face the morning of a hearing.  He was angry at me, to say the least. 

Once my witness was lined up, and at the courthouse, opposing counsel didn't bring up the fake texts, but get used to over preparing, and showing up loaded for bear, only to have the Stbx back down on the courthouse steps,awhile doing zero prep themselves.

The stbx will manufacture chaos, while you're busy disproving negatives, and trying to keep your children stable.

Ask for help.

Accept this will be unfair, time consuming, and disruptive.  That's what it is, IME.

Where will u keep your evidence? Neighbor's home?  Send important computer evidence to somebody you trust, as a backup.

Be super kind to yourself.
Breathe often and mindfully to calm yourself.
Drop all judgement and replace with curiosity.
Drop expectations.
Embrace radical acceptance.

Your children will be harmed during this process.  Accept you're job is to document, and mitigate that harm.

Get the kids into therapy, with someone who can testify....if you can. This is to help the kids now, through the divorce and to recover....but also for evidence.

Good luck