Trying to Move Forward in Peace.

[RunningRiver]

Hello everyone.
I am relieved to be on this forum as I am the daughter of an elderly woman who I believe has a personality disorder.
Wait on, I am elderly, mum is 86. Sigh.
I am retired and mum is being well taken care of in a good aged care facility.
I have a sister and an aunt (mum's younger sister) who I love and we three are supportive of each other. We understand the suffering we have endured as a consequence of our relationship to my mother.
Other family and friends have gradually faded away. My sister and I feel burnt out emotionally and physically. We all maintain limited contact with my mother.
Education and counselling have helped me to recognise the traits and behaviours my mother displays. I have been able to grope my way out of her fog. I have more insight into myself. My life is the most peaceful it has ever been.
However. I would say my way of coping with mum was to numb myself and shut off from my own needs. Plus I used to drink too much alcohol. That helped to numb my pain. I don't drink much these days.
The trouble is, the more peaceful and better I feel, the more Excruciatingly disturbing I find any contact with her now! Down to one brief phone call a week one visit to her a month. My sister and I have POA and we will continue to ensure that mum receives professional care. It is the only way. Plus she is now being assessed for dementia. We can retain some self respect this way as going no contact would validate the years-long smear campaign mum has waged against us in her town. My sister, in particular has been hurt badly by this treachery. 
As my mother slowly declines, both physically and cognitively, her grotesque struggle is painful to witness. I care about her. Maybe some love is still there. But I can no longer bear her presence. She has been very wicked and devious in her long life. I think her peace will come in the next life. Blessed Be.

[Rebel13]

Hi RunningRiver, it sounds like you have done a lot for yourself, like creating supportive relationships and seeking learning and guidance, to get out from under your mother's difficult behavior. I'm so glad things are peaceful for you, and I completely understand how much contact with her can rock you! It's also amazing how the effects of these relationships last so long. I'm in my 50s and I feel like I'm just starting to get a handle on the damage, after stopping contact with my mom three years ago. I am just so DONE with the self-absorbed, critical, toxically dramatic behavior, from my mom or from anyone else. I simply will not be around people who act that way. Of course, that doesn't fix everything, but I love having moments of peace and understanding, and being able to be compassionate with myself.

Glad you're here, and I hope the rest of your experience with your mom is as peaceful as it can be.