The Surgery Hoover

[LavenderLime]

I had one of my worst medical hoovering attempts by Mother this week. She had quite a lot of fluid around her heart & drs planned to do a window with a temporary tube to drain it. She told the dr she wanted to talk to me first. She actually said to me she wasn't going to have the surgery if I wasn't there. What kind of person says this to their child?? I was very clear that I was not going to be there. I tried not to justify it but I do live several states away and work. She put on the sad waif voice. I got 2 calls from the nurses on her unit relaying her messages of her wanting me to be there, too. She did agree to the surgery shortly after our call.
I have seen her once in the last 12 years or so - I went for a few days after her heart valve surgery. Biggest mistake, I was miserable. She even cried because I wanted to get out for some air and a quick walk one day. So, I knew I was not going to put myself through that again. I declined her previous request for me to be there after her last hospitalization. She really did need more assistance than I was able to provide and I was able to avoid the discussion of me not wanting to be there. I let the hospital set up the visiting nurse, pt and meals that was available in her area.
My husband has been supportive but he's really the only one who gets it and he heard the whole exchange since I had my phone on speaker. I'm an only child and she has alienated mostly everyone else in her life.  I know many of you understand the medical hoover when you have very low contact. I've been looking through the past posts at similar situations, so if you care to share how you've handled it, I'd love to hear about it!

As a side note - it's rather silly, but I still get nervous posting here thinking she'll find it and know that it's me. 

[moglow]

Mine was LIVID when she had (one of!) her pacemaker changes and I was unable to be there. In all honesty I pretty much blew her off and didn't respond when she mentioned it. I was unemployed and scrambling to find another job at the time, financially wrecked, didn't have time or patience for her nonsense. I was deep in survival mode my own self, she knew this, and she had no compassion.

A few months later my brother enlisted my help at a deposition, being his Girl Friday to keep him on track. I maneuvered my new job start date to make it happen and she was mad all over again, because I was there for him and not her. Okay, be mad. I was the one person he could depend on and frankly she was in the hospital overnight, would have the care she needed until they decided she could go home. This was years ago now and I still hear about it. I'll admit there is some quid pro quo where she's been completely unavailable for me as well so she gets what she gets, but we really do reap what we sow.

Some of our mothers have not one clue what their treatment of us has done, and they don't care to know. All they seem to see is what isn't going as they expect and we're the reason for it.

[NarcKiddo]

Mine was having a minor eye procedure shortly after I was sent home from a 2 week stint in hospital, including ICU. She wanted me to stay at her home for a couple of nights to help her to the lavatory should she wake in the night. Apart from any other considerations she is enormously heavy. I refused. She said she would have to rely on her frail husband in that case (who was recovering from cancer surgery and sleeps in a different room). I told her it was inappropriate to rely on anyone other than a paid carer for night care. They can perfectly well afford one and have space for them to sleep. In the end my sibling did the job.

They are absolutely astonishing in their demands and sense of entitlement.

[Rebel13]

So, I knew I was not going to put myself through that again. I declined her previous request for me to be there after her last hospitalization. She really did need more assistance than I was able to provide and I was able to avoid the discussion of me not wanting to be there. I let the hospital set up the visiting nurse, pt and meals that was available in her area.

I'm so glad you prioritized staying out of that stressful situation! Health and surgery related situations are very difficult to refuse, as the social pressure and disapproval is ENORMOUS.

I turned down my mom many years ago when she wanted me to care for her after surgery. I live over 2000 miles away and have a sibling in her area. (But my sibling "has a family" and I'm a "single" woman (I have a partner and a job BTW) so naturally it was my responsibility.) She said she would pay for my flight. Had she ever offered a flight for a regular enjoyable visit (when I was much younger and financially insecure)? Of course not. I made some silly excuse and to this day I am sorry I did that, instead of just saying, "No, that doesn't work for me." She ended up paying a friend (?!) to stay with her.

As a side note - it's rather silly, but I still get nervous posting here thinking she'll find it and know that it's me. 

I feel this way almost every time I post about any specific situation, that the person I'm talking about will come here and recognize themselves.

she was mad all over again, because I was there for him and not her. Okay, be mad. I was the one person he could depend on and frankly she was in the hospital overnight, would have the care she needed until they decided she could go home.

Not to mention, if I recall correctly, you and he have a good relationship while she has consistently been a d*ck to you? These people, I swear, I cannot understand how they can NOT understand reciprocity, what makes a good relationship, what motivates normal people, etc.

[Liketheducks]

Once my mom tried to have my SIL rope me into picking her up and driving her to a doctors appointment, as if it was an emergency.   Mom was living with SIL at the time.   It wasn't an emergency just a regular doctors appointment that was scheduled months in advance.   She called at the last minute.   I was busy.   I called her a cab.   

Then there was the real emergency.   Mom had had a heart attack.   We had been NC for years at that point.   I phoned her.   She was traveling on the other side of the country with family when it happened.   When she answered, she literally started yelling at me that I needed to "fix it".   Fix what you may ask?   I think she meant the relationship.   But, she never specified.   I just gently and quickly got her off the phone.   The cousin she was staying with had HER daughter's wedding that weekend.  It was obviously a stressful time.   Cousin kept asking me when I was flying in.   I wasn't.   At the time I was recovering....my husband had had an affair.  I was barely holding it together with my self esteem in the toilet.   I just didn't have the bandwidth to handle dropping everything and flying to mom.   There wasn't anything I COULD do to fix it.   She's the one who chain smoked most of her life.   I feel coldhearted writing this, but I just didn't have it in me to fix the relationship she felt entitled to while she was also trashing me to everyone who would listen. 

[LavenderLime]

Thanks for all of the replies! I knew many of you would totally understand the insanity of it all.
The drama still continues - in & out of the hospital, the calls & texts I get basically wanting me to manage her emotions and fix it all. So tired of it.