advice for moving forward

[verum71]

I'll start this post by saying I am not totally sure what I am looking for.  I do not have a BPD parent - however, my biological kids do with my BPD ex wife (diagnosed in 2004 - divorced in 2009).  My kids are all adults now - the youngest just graduated last year.  Right now my 2 younger kids are aligned with my ex and I always have had a good relationship with my oldest son up until about 8 months ago, and it's been a slow steady trickle of drifting away.  He is married and has 2 kids 2 and under.  Him and his wife have been high school sweethearts and I have always been very close to her as well.  This last summer we were on vacation at the lake and all of sudden something changed - his wife seemed to be mad about something and the short version was while my wife and were gone, they packed up early and left.  We got together for Thanksgiving, have tried to get together several times and "something comes up".  Said his wife was sick on Christmas (the presents are still here in April). Had a baby in January - we stopped by the hospital to bring dinner - I saw the baby for the first time last weekend when I stopped by his house.  He wanted to talk with me privately and shared that he is struggling with mental health and anxiety, which I have been aware of.  A couple of weeks back he sent me a text and said he was sick of people, which I took to be that he needed some space. 
I told him that I was giving him some space, but if he needed me for anything, I will be there.  Kept it simple - I said "let's just try to touch base on the phone after you get the kids to bed - nothing groundbreaking - just to check in".  He thought that was a great idea - I called him the next 4 nights and he never answered his phone - left a voicemail - didn't call back. 
I've spent most of my time on the co-parenting forum.  My son is the only one out of the three that is aware of her mom's diagnosis and some of the struggles to try and co-parent with borderline mother, which was a conversation I had with him when he turned 18 (he had moved in with me at that time in his senior year of high school).  His siblings decided to live with their mother before they graduated and I have been battling being a targeted parent for the last 7 to 8 years. 
If it seems like I am all over the place I just don't know what to do.  I can't pinpoint any one thing that was done or said by me, my wife, or the both of us that would result in this type of cold shoulder.  My son told me one thing on Sunday that seemed sincere and that he really needed me there to support him, and then he ghosts me.  He didn't say "hey I'm upset about A, B, or C and therefore I don't want to come over any more, so I don't know what the hell is going on.  I have been spending time on the anti-alienation page on Youtube and have been able to learn that this parenting dynamic is complicated and not easily sorted out.  Which leaves me with - What do I say to him? 

[bloomie]

verum71 - what a painful shift in your relationship with your son and daughter in law. I answered your other post, but I am wondering if you could talk with your son and dil and check in. Find out what they need if they will tell you? 2 kids under 2 is A LOT! Ask me how I know. 

Can you offer practical help like childcare and treating the parents to another meal drop off or groceries? With the further context this post offers, I think your sense that there is something to the bigger picture you can't see going on is probably accurate.

My total guess is there is tension between your son and his wife as they grapple with so much in their little family more than tension with you and your wife, but there is only one way to find out. You could ask.

[Liketheducks]

My mom trashed my dad every chance she got.  She had good reasons.  He was physically abusive to us both.  And, as a child I had built her into being the stable parent....didn't realize that she very likely was NPD until much later in life.    I write this to say....the truth always comes out. 

IF I had heard something like this from my father...it might have helped....

I feel like we've been more distant from each other lately.  If I have done something to cause that, I'd love to know. (And if there IS something that your son mentions, DO.NOT.GET.DEFENSIVE...do not blame your ex...and make a real apology - not I'm sorry you feel that way....but I'm sorry I'VE made you feel that way).  Relationships are complicated.  I love you and I'll always be here for you no matter what.  If you're not ready to talk about this now, I'll be here when you are.  What can I do to help?

Also, if he is struggling with his mental health....don't assume he's looking for space.  Maybe there was something that he perceives as negative that happened between you.  Make it a safe place for him to discuss that with you. Just because he's an adult, you still have more power in the relationship and always will.  Use that power for good...to help your son with whatever he's struggling with no matter the outcome.  Lindsey C Gibson, an expert in this field, often says... "Treat your adult children like a cherished friend". 

Unfortunately, in my family....my dad bailed.  I know that he just didn't have the emotional capacity to be accountable for his part in the abuse.  I say this, because anytime it came up, he'd deny it or blame my mother (which is also fair, as I think part of his abuse was reactive).  In my case, I had to initiate any contact....and when I did...it triggered him.  He was good for a day or two and then I became "just like my mother"......aside from the physical resemblance I've done a metric ton of therapy to make sure that I'm not. 

I commend you for coming here to ask the question of other adult children....and being curious within yourself about what you might have done to cause this.  That is FAR from NPD type behavior. 

[verum71]

Thanks for both of your responses.  My wife and I have a blended family - my 3 kids are 4 years apart - her 3 are 2 years apart.  My wife has been very helpful to get some perspective on this for sure.  I will take both of your advices and reach out to them.  My son did send me a text today and it does sound like they are having a hard time finding their footing with the 2 little kids.