Newly NC - Looking for Positive Stories

[WildGoose]

Hi everyone, I'm very newly NC with my mother and am looking for community and support right now.

My story

This isn't something I took lightly by any means. I've tried setting boundaries, telling her how I feel, and after years of trying, nothing ever seems to stick. I feel a ton of FOG right now. Despite that, I am reminding myself that this is what I need in order to continue healing a lot of wounds and live the most authentically I can. I know this isn't the ending but rather a step in a much longer journey of healing.

A big part of what opened my eyes is my pregnancy and realizing I do not want to subject my future child to the same mind games that I dealt with growing up. She has told me several times that she can't wait for my child to tell me "no" and that she would spoil them and tell them to not tell me about all the treats she would give them. She sets unrealistic expectations on our relationship, like how often we should see each other, and any less is incredibly disappointing to her, which she always makes known. She has told me if I ever moved out of the state that it would break her heart. She has compared her body to mine, called me boring, called me "too sensitive", that I couldn't take a joke, the list goes on... I don't want that for myself anymore and especially not my child.

The hardest part about the FOG I'm feeling is that a good chunk of times she's pleasant to be around and seemingly very caring, and I never wanted to hurt her. It hurts a lot that I'm hurting her. Even so, the way she handles conflict is extremely damaging (silent treatment, gaslighting, DARVO, taking no emotional responsibility etc). I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her, and my pregnancy has only amplified the number of conflicts we have. I go into fight or flight every time we have a conflict. This isn't good for me or my baby, so I'm choosing peace and quiet.

I am scared she will not honor NC and I know I will likely face collateral by being isolated from other family members. I'm scared of other possible fallout. But I am also trying to be hopeful for myself.

Community ask

I'm pretty new to this site and have read a few posts of others' experiences. If you're open to it, I would love if you could share your NC experience in this thread, how it's helped you heal, and/or any tips you have for overcoming the FOG.

I could just use all the positivity I can get right now.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi and welcome! Congratulations on your baby. It looks like you have done a lot of educating yourself. You certainly use all the acronyms and lingo easily! I'm sorry you have reached that point with your mother. That's shocking that she would tell you outright that she would put your child against you in that way! I'm glad you're taking that seriously, and putting your child first. You're in good company here. For me too my motherhood was a major impetus in coming Out of the FOG. I went NC following the "last straw" when my fourth child was a baby. For me in those early days NC it was necessary to review my story a LOT, such that I was worried that I was obsessing about it, but it was actually helpful in overcoming the FOG and helping me to believe myself and be completely confident that I wasn't "overreacting" or "too sensitive" or any of those tired old narratives. I had to get to NC so I could begin to heal, but getting to that point where I could actually BE safe was so hard. In the end it led to my father trying to set up a situation where he could weaponize child protective services against me (completely fabricated) to punish me for going NC, visiting a lawyer, sending an official cease and desist, and finally moving hundreds of miles away and losing every last connection with my FOO as collateral damage.

It was worth it.

[WildGoose]

Hi Cordelia, thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you went through that. That had to be incredibly stressful when you were just looking for peace for you and your children by going NC. The fact that your father was willing to go to those lengths to punish you says a lot, and it sounds like a MUCH safer situation for you (both mentally and physically) to be out of that.

I'm so glad that it was worth it for you. The advice about reading back your story as a reminder is very helpful - I actually spent some time recently just brain dumping everything I could, even back to when I was a toddler, into pages and pages, so I will definitely revisit those as a reminder to myself when I feel the guilt creeping back in.

Surely the time and repetitions help a lot with realizing what's old programming versus who you want to be (and are becoming!).

I'm excited to be here in this supportive community, it's nice to know we are very much not alone in this!

* Also editing to say, it's helpful to know that fallout like you experienced DOES unfortunately happen. It's absolutely awful that it does and also good to stay realistic that it's not always smooth sailing right after going NC. I can only hope for the best in my situation but will just stay observant and prepared.

[Rebel13]

Hi WildGoose,

I don't know if my story is positive! But my introductory post to the forum is here. It's super long and detailed, be warned! It's interesting for me to read it again. Like your brain dump, it's good to have a record of what was said and done. My mind had edited out some of the details, as it's been almost 3 years. I do realize how far I've come, with the help of folks here and good therapy and a lot of work, so maybe that's the positive part!

I wish you the best in your upcoming decisions and with your new family.

One thing I would suggest to think about, is whether you think your mom is more the abandoning type (which my mom is, she gave up pretty easily after only a few attempts at re-establishing contact) or the pursuing, escalating type. The second type can cause a LOT of problems, like Cordelia mentions. And I also think the presence of a grandchild can increase the stakes for these types of people. If you think your mom might cause a lot of drama and be really intrusive, it is good to plan for it in advance. My brain often tells me things like, "Oh, don't worry, thing X won't happen," and so I am completely blindsided and have no plan for how to cope when it does. See, for example, my mom creating drama at my last visit, in my story linked above!

Update us when you can, if you want to.

[Invisiblewoman]

Since going no contact it feels like my life has improved.

I have a better place to live now, and no one is trying to shatter my peace with nasty comments or accusations. No one is making me walk on egg shells after lying to me.

My job, and financial situation is better. I guess that's the result of not having someone trying get to me by telling me I am worthless.

[WildGoose]

Hi Rebel13,

I read your intro post - what a chaotic, disappointing visit! Agreed, sounds like the positive part of your story is realizing how far you've come, the support you have, and also getting to that realization of "does this very limited, forced interaction with my mom make ME happy" and feeling empowered to make a choice that you wanted to make! It's crazy how eerily similar your mom and my mom's behavior are, and when you said she doesn't know you... that hits home.

Thanks for the advice about thinking about if my mother is more of the abandoning or pursuing, escalating type. For me it's hard because she vacillates between the two. In the short time I've gone NC it's been radio silence, but something tells me it won't be that way for long, especially with the baby on the way. I did designate in my birth plan that I want NO visitors at the hospital (including family) besides my husband as my support person, and he's also totally on board. Good idea to think through other scenarios too.

Will definitely keep you posted, thanks again for sharing!

[WildGoose]

Hi Invisiblewoman,

It's awesome you're in a much better place, that's such a huge difference on quality of life.

Thanks for sharing, and I'm glad you don't have to worry about that negativity anymore. It's hard to grow and focus on yourself when you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

For me it already seems a bit more peaceful and now just trying to get rid of hearing her critical voice in my head, which I'm sure will heal with time.

I hope everything continues to go well for you, I'm sure it will.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Welcome, Wildgoose. Congratulations on the upcoming birth of a new baby.
 
Going no contact with my family seven years ago saved my life. I know if I had remained close to them, I would have sacrificed everything I was just to make them happy. By the time I went no contact, I had already given them enough of my life.
 
I did it because I simply could not tolerate the way they treated me. The unexpected payoff came when I realized how much space opened in my life for other things. I was able to be more fully present. I was able to engage in things without fear. It was liberating and I never anticipated how good it would be. I guess I did not know the weight of what I allowed in my life until I felt the relief when it was gone.   
 
I agree it is difficult to know they are hurting and to feel like we caused it. I think that is part of the obligation and guilt of the "FOG". However, I believe we are not responsible for the way someone else feels or reacts and they have the option to change their behavior at any time.     
     
As far as family not respecting boundaries, mine did not. I remained firm though, and things played out like a textbook. They did a smear campaign, and I lost all relationships with everyone associated with my family. Nobody stood by me. It is not easy, but when you get to that point, I think it is just something you know deep in your heart.   

[Invisiblewoman]

I think too, it's given me a clear head but also has allowed for a grief process and getting back in touch with expressing grief because it almost felt like any feelings I had were called wrong, or I was gaslit and abused for merely having them. I think what's frustrating is they cannot admit they are wrong, or have an ounce of contrition for any of their awful behaviour. It was always about triangulation and who they bring into the conversation if you merely questioned their bad behaviour.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @WildGoose

my worst day without my biological mother in my life was still better than the best day I ever had with her in it...

30+ years full stop NC, basically my entire adult life lived without her disruption and chaos making.

something that helped me was finding more positive adult female role models and using their skill set to gently reparent myself.  I am still walking that journey and even at my big age, I get feelings about my lack of childhood and parent support still.  I let myself have that movement and then look around and realize all the milestones my mother missed because of her choices and feel that sense of pride that I am the one that made this life and she can have no part of any of the success that i've had since NC. 

 be gentle with yourself today

[mary_poppins]

Hi and welcome.

Congrats on your baby and no contact.
It must be tought to navigate NC in the beginning.

I went NC a year ago and feel happier and lighter. My life has improved dramatically. I have grown, wrote some great stuff for my fiction (I was stuck in my writing process when I was in contact with family) and have started therapy and life coaching. I'm still not settled on a t right now but am looking and hopefully i'll find my match.

I don't doubt myself anymore and when I fail at something I try to realize that the harsh voice in my head is not mine but my mother's (my counselor pointed out the fact that I am harsh with myself and that's unfair and cruel).

Next in my steps is gathering the courage to book holiday for myself and travel. I have a hard time requesting holiday from work but i know i will get there. I deserve to travel and enjoy myself.

You can ask any questions about NC, we are here to help.

[mary_poppins]

Since going no contact it feels like my life has improved.

I have a better place to live now, and no one is trying to shatter my peace with nasty comments or accusations. No one is making me walk on egg shells after lying to me.

My job, and financial situation is better. I guess that's the result of not having someone trying get to me by telling me I am worthless.

Yes, especially your last sentence. My mom would not say it out right you are worthless but would imply it. Like 'why are you trying to go after that job? it's a hard job, try something else' or 'don't publish anything, you know how hard it is for writers to support themselves from their writing, i have heard of a few people who failed'. Just wanted to tell her STFU and leave me alone. But couldn't. NC is my voice now.

[Adria]

Hi Wildgoose and welcome,

I have been NC for over 30 years.  They left me no choice.  And, they did the smear campaign, so I lost all of my extended family as well.  I wish things could have been different, but that was the hand I was delt.  I know my life has been much better without them.

If that is what you feel you must do, and I know it is something we don't take lightly, then keep moving forward with your life. I wish I would have done it earlier, so they couldn't have gotten their grips into my children. So, I'm happy you are taking your baby into consideration with this.  Very wise. I wish you all the best.