Is this normal behavior from a spouse or am I crazy?

Notreallysureanymore · May 01, 2026, 03:13:27 PM

Hi! I am really just trying not to go nuts as I have gone to two different marriage counselors and they usually tell my and my husband we need to communicate better but I don't think that's the issue. My husband is outwardly kind but on occasion about once or twice a day he will micromanage my facial expressions, tone, and attitude. For example, he will say "do I sense attitude?" Or "we don't do that." He says these things in front of my children. We have been married 15 years. They have tried to ask him several times "Why do you speak to mom like a child?" and he usually yell's and blames me for them saying those things. He yell's alot in the house. If I push back by saying "Don't speak to me like a child" he usually denys it and it just escalates and then he says I am ALWAYS rude and disrespectful. The last counselor we had, my husband told him if I said the same thing in a different tone he would listen. Long story short the session were a waste of time and I ended up looking crazy. Sorry if this sounds all over the place. This has been many years of this and no one to speak to. I feel overwhelmed and trapped but I don't know why bc he doesn't hit me or curse at me or threaten me. He does say he feels I am ungrateful and don't appreciate him and so much more. But no hitting. Is this abuse? Could he have a personality disorder? Am I crazy and this is just normal for a spouse to parent another spouse?

Cascade · May 02, 2026, 12:21:58 AM

Hi, that doesn't sound like a communication issue to me, and you don't sound crazy. In the early years of my marriage my husband used to complain about my tone of voice too.

Call Me Cordelia · May 02, 2026, 06:46:25 AM

Waiting to be asked something in a preferred tone is something you do with a child. Usually a small one whom you are training to drop a habit of whining or remember her pleases and thank yous. Not your spouse. If the children are noticing it and defending you, it is not in your head.

Notreallysureanymore · May 02, 2026, 08:45:00 PM

Thank you for responding. When I try to discuss things with him he says I am overreacting, rude and in opposition of him. He says I have child hood trauma that needs to be addressed by a professional and brings up the fact that the last marriage counselor said so, when I bring up simple things. For example... The other day I was in our bedroom reading something and he got up and went into the other room. The room was pitch black so I asked him to leave the door open since the light was on in the other room. When I did that, he got frustrated and demanded an answer as to why I needed the door open. I initially told him it was too dark but when he wanted another answer I refused and he asked me why I always need to be difficult. He denies things happen and says the way I experience it is not how it actually happens and that he's allowed to disagree with me. He also on occassion completely ignores me when I am speaking to him. I feel alone and like I have uncontrollable ptsd or something.

Notreallysureanymore · May 03, 2026, 06:30:22 AM

I want to clarify. I don't mean to insinuate ptsd is controllable. I mispoke. Sorry about that!

Rebel13 · May 04, 2026, 11:22:02 AM

Hi Notreallysureanymore,

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I agree with Cascade and Cordelia that your husband's behavior sounds frustrating and belittling.

But more important than our opinions or any definition of "normal" is what YOU think of the situation. If your husband's behavior is not OK with you, that matters! If you have asked respectfully and specifically for change (which it sounds like you have, if you have been to counseling), and those requests have not been responded to in good faith, that also matters.

Regarding your second message, about leaving the door open -- having to justify and argue for a simple request that has no consequences to anyone but yourself -- is concerning. So again, you get to decide that this situation is unacceptable to you and begin to think about how you want to handle things going forward.

You could start by reading the articles on boundaries and medium chill in the Toolbox section of the site. I have found those two articles super helpful in dealing with problems in my own life.

Another thing you might consider is getting therapy for yourself with someone who understands difficult personalities/PDs/relational trauma. It sounds like you have a ready-made excuse for doing so, since your husband seems to think you are "the problem."

I would recommend looking at the posts of square and MaxedOut on this forum, particularly in the Chosen Relationships and Separating/Divorcing sections. They both have amazing insights and have shared a lot of their experience there.

Here are a couple of MaxedOut's posts that I really liked: Post 1 Post 2

(Just an aside, there *are* ways that those of us with ptsd/cptsd can help ourselves, whether that constitutes "control" or not, so no need to apologize!)

Notreallysureanymore · May 04, 2026, 05:52:00 PM

Rebel13

Thank you! I really appreciate you listening and providing some helpful options. I think I've just felt like I was drowning at times, and this gives me hope.

MaxedOut · May 04, 2026, 07:52:33 PM

Thanks for the mention, Rebel13, and to echo others, this is not normal, your aren't crazy, and regardless of normalcy of specific incidents, having a spouse ignore your requests about treatment and act out with anger and belittling behavior is not OK. These types of behaviors, if repeated patterns, are in things like lists of emotionally and verbally abusive behaviors. A good resource is the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship."

I'd also point out that many, if not most, couple therapists are trained to view things and advise approaches using a... collaborative... both parties have blame/own solutions perspective. That is reasonable when neither party has a PD or is high conflict by nature. When both parties value mutuality, not control. When that's the case more communication is often a central need; but more communications can make things worse when one partner is high-conflict (as you have clearly experienced). Experts in PDs often state couples therapy can be harmful or nonproductive when one partner is abusive and/or has PD. For example opening up and communicating can be unsafe (leading to anger outbursts after a session or having information used against you later).

So 100% agree on getting your own therapist. If continuing couples therapy, I'd try to keep the focus on specific behaviors and follow-through for agreed upon changes, not underlying meaning, feelings, larger topics, etc. I can't remember where I read it but an expert on PDs said that is usually more constructive and reduces potential harm for couples therapy when one partner is high conflict or PD.

As for diagnosis, we obviously can't armchair that, but identifying traits and patterns can help navigate things. The stuff you mention sounds consistent with some people and types of PD but can also be part of sub-clinical personality characteristics or other issues (like simple abusive/controlling behaviors). If the underlying psychology seems to fit *why* PDs have certain behaviors and how they view things, it can help in understanding triggers and such. And, if a behavior is not ok, it ultimately doesn't matter whether/what/which disorder, if any, underlies it (this was a big understanding point I had to really get) it matters that you are being treated that way. A therapist can really help with this sort of stuff. The posts of mine that Rebel linked are about this point.

As mentioned the traits section of the website is great, and keeping a record of things that happen and what traits they represent can really help untangle things and make you feel not crazy, because it's definable. And it sounds like you have tried to address the behaviors by requesting they stop or different approaches, so working on boundaries is a great suggestion. In addition to "medium chill" don't JADE (https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain)is another powerful tool. It sounds like your spouse just escalated if you try to push back or explain why something is not OK.

Notreallysureanymore · May 05, 2026, 02:57:24 PM

Thank you MaxedOut. I really appreciate you providing this additional information. Also, super helpful explanation as to why counseling hasn't worked. Most advice has been to communicate more and listen more, but those things have been twisted and used against me.

To be honest, I think he doesn't even believe that there's an issue, meaning I don't think it's intentional on his part, but it most certainly has been hard to live with at times. Since I did come from a physically abusive household as a child, I didn't have the language for what I've been experiencing. It took me a while to even consider that this was not typical, healthy relationship behavior, so I appreciate all of this.

MaxedOut · May 05, 2026, 06:05:44 PM

I think the deep dive on PDs and couple therapy that was on the edge of my memory was this Dr. Ramani podcast episode: https://www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-navigating-narcissism-wit-98632373/episode/ask-dr-ramani-how-do-i-go-to-therapy-with-a-narcissist-119296104

She specializes in narcissistic personality disorder but I have found her work useful for borderline and I think has good perspective for other PD types.

Ed · May 25, 2026, 05:03:23 AM

They stay calm, say things they know upset you. And they to it over and over until you explode and they can say you are crazy. You aren't. Any healthy relationship should be based on respect. Either you ignore it completely also inside or you do something about it, what makes him stop. Now he has zero consequences.

BeyondTheMud · June 29, 2026, 02:48:41 PM

Hello NotReallySureAnymore,

I share a similar story as you. Marriage counseling, in my opinion, is a complete waste of time. I found that the counselor, having good intentions, was completely and totally out of her league when faced with a narcissist. I did not know it at the time though. You always hope the counselor will see it from "your point of view" and maybe they will and maybe they won't. At the end of the day, you are still going home with an abuser along with your homework to work on. In my experience, narcissists love this type of arena. She manipulated me for years and years and after marriage counseling, she manipulated me still. You sound like you are the beginning of this journey and that is ok. We have all started somewhere.

Take care