Good national news

[Deborah]

I had no idea where to post this. It is too late for me and my kid. But there is good news here. Lawyers and judges are ringing alarm bells here...even in the big media... and the European Union is also ringing alarm bells over my country.

They draw attention to the fact that our CPS and family courts endanger the abused partner and children. When dealing with psychological abuse. The term here is literally translated as "intimate terrorization". Or coercive control. There was frontpage news lately...that the family court system itself admits: we did wrong. We harmed the abused. We helped the abusers.

Judges come forth and admit: I made the wrong decisions. I thought I did well. And I did not. I failed people who were abused. And fighting for their children. And forced children into very unsafe situations. Because I ruled in favour of an abuser.

There is a big discussion...where they say they forced cooperation and coparenting...even in situations of horrid abuse. As happened to us. They say social workers...like CPS workers...are trained wrong. They are trained to keep the middle ground. And pretend it is a mutual conflict. When that is not fit in a situation of terrorizing abuse.

I'm a bit...shocked...that they only realize that now. As said: it is too late for us. The system broke me and the good situation I had for my child. To favour a very abusive father.

But they start to realize the obvious. And think of how to better the system. It will take a long time. But at least they are waking up. Wanted to share this. It is good news. I guess. 















 

[Associate of Daniel]

That's fabulous news, Deborah.
I'm not sure where you are, but in Australia we are gradually introducing laws against "coercive control".  I don't know the details but, like you mentioned, it will be slow going to educate the various cps agencies and legal people about it all.

I'm sorry it came too late for you and your son.  It's heartbreaking.

AOD

[Deborah]

Thank you. It is heartbreaking indeed. Not only for us. But I know so many women who had to fight the system to their breaking point. To protect their children from a sexually or emotionally abusive father. (Surely there's fathers fighting an abusive mother too...but I do not know them).

I am happy though. Ironically it is the judges and lawyers ringing the alarm. When the CPS workers still seem to be in the dark. Not sure what that divide comes from.

I also just filed a complaint against CPS and police. For not taking the coercive control and other abuse seriously. I did so at the national organisation controlling them.

[Adria]

This is great news Deborah.

I live in the states and fought the same system. My ex would take the kids to a drug house and throw them in the basement while he partied all night.  I found out they had guns at the doors.  He told my kids not to tell me.  I called the courts and social services when I found out, and they told me that if I didn't let the father see the children, I would be the one going to jail. It didn't matter what he did with them or where he took them.  I was shattered in disbelief.

Fortunately, I got him to reason that if he wanted to party like that, to leave the kids with me, so they wouldn't be in danger. He agreed and never saw them again.  I was so sad for my children, but now I realize it was for the best that he walked away from them.

It seems there is just no common sense in these situations. 

This is a big win. Hopefully, they will get a handle on this soon.  I wish you all the best.

[Deborah]

Sorry that happened. That is shocking.

I am not sure why they defend abusers. My ex raped me. He said he would kidnap our son to his homeland and I would die. He sent detailed plans. He spoke of firearms (illegal here). He would bully our newborn in front of my eyes, which is the moment I kicked him out. I had a psychiatrist (as well as midwife, GP, friends, etc) report he was a sociopath and should not have visitation. They did not care.

I had people wish my dad strength to cope with me... because I reported he beat me up...and they felt sorry for him. They felt it was irrelevant to my son. I feel it is not a lack of common sense. But our CPS system attracting toxic professionals who willfully help abusers. I hope I am wrong.

A little girl was in the news here... she was literally tortured into a coma by her fosters...leaving her disabled and terrified for life.. with both the bio mum and the girl begging everyone for help. CPS looked away and went unpunished. I cannot see how this is not willful evil. 

[countrygirl]

Hello Deborah,

Thank you for sharing here.  I am sorry you and your son did not receive the support you should have from the system.  You have been courageous.   I can relate to what you say about your father.  My father was abusive, but was so convivial and even laidback in public that people,  including people in my own family, did not believe me when I opened up to them. All too often in these situations, the victims are made to feel as if they are in the wrong. 

And now I have a younger  friend who is being psychologically abused by her controlling, narcissistic partner.   Also, he is oddly fixated on their baby, and is already saying that the child must do this and not do that when she grows up.  He is trying to control her from day one.  Finding out what rights she does and does not have has been so discouraging for my friend.  She is still in the process of deciding what to do, and is consulting with family lawyers.   

And, oh yes, her husband is yet another convivial laidback man!  In contrast, she is emotional, and it seems that people are  all too ready to discount what she says.

I understand that the system supposedly wants to protect everyone's rights, but they have gone far too in trying to protect the rights of abusers.  My friend has been told that if she leaves with the child, her husband can accuse her of kidnapping the child, and that the courts could award him full custody.   He is not responsible enough to care for a young baby.

Although he has not been physically abusive, he has a horrible, hair trigger temper at home--in contrast to his smiling social persona.  Both my friend's mother and I would not be surprised to hear that he has become physically abusive. He recently called her mother a "selfish bitch," saying that everything she has done to help them has really been done for herself, to make herself think that she's such a good person.  Truly vile behavior.

Well, sorry to write so much about this, but it has been preying on my mind.  Thank you for sharing your story, and I wish you all the best.  The more we can share our stories, the less alone we feel.

[Deborah]

Thank you for the support. Your friend is in a difficult situation, I am sorry for her. And for you worrying.

I would recommend she stays correct to him always - as to not have him use her responses in court. Then not to tell him or others she wants to leave. But prepare things very well with a lawyer. Can she collect evidence of his behaviour? Maybe record it? Or document in a diary?

If he is a danger, keep him out no matter what. If he is not, do not let him distract her from her care for her child. Let her focus on her own care for the baby. Be as good a parent as possible. Do not let him arouse responses. The goal is to drive you away from herself and her child. I had a friend who focused fully on her children and ignored all her exes games... she was better off, and the children too, in the longrun. They started to see for themselves how he really was. Because they had a healthy example.

Oh: in the first round, I had a child therapist observe me regularly...as to see if I could better things, but also prove to the courts I was good to my child...It was needed because CPS was not my child's friend - they were an enemy who tried to harm us. There are okay-ish CPS workers and there are horrid ones. We had the horrid one, even according to the lawyer. He did his best to portrey me badly to force visitation with my ex... and the child therapist reports defended me.

Do not let her lose heart. There are parents who manage to keep the other parent away when needed (I did in round 1). There are parents whose children start to see through (my friends children did). There are success stories. For me my faith was a big support, and a few healthy friends were, as well as a specialized psychologist. 

[countrygirl]

Hi Deborah,

Thank you for all of the good advice for my friend!

I have to believe that people will see through her partner also.  She is fortunate to have a very supportive family, who would be there for her and the child if she does leave.

I so appreciate your empathy and the sharing of your personal experience. All the best to you!