trying to get through & over relationships with NPD sister-in-law and brother

[Poison Ivy]

My older brother's wife has long seemed to have difficult relationships with many people in my family (and also her own). Things have come to a head in the past few years, first because of my mom's declining health; and second because one of my daughters is getting married and has planned a location wedding.
(1) As to the first, according to my brother, SIL doesn't like it when he visits our mom. Brother and I live about 50 miles from mom; our sister lives in the same city as mom. Brother visits mom once every few weeks, except when on long trips out of state. I visit once per week. Sister visits almost every day. At this point, neither sister nor I expect brother to visit mom more often, but listening to him tell us about his wife's complaints about our family and what she perceives as our dysfunction has been difficult to endure.
(2) As to the second, my daughter and one of my brother and SIL's daughters have been close friends for their entire lives. Brother and SIL moved to the same neighborhood as me and my spouse many years ago, and the two girls grew up hanging out together and going to the same schools and even attending colleges close to each other. My daughter felt she had a special relationship with my brother because of her special relationship with cousin. Brother and SIL will not be attending the wedding. This hurts.
I have been adjusting to the hurt, but not smoothly; there have been ups and downs. My brother gave various reasons for his decision to not attend the wedding; I won't go into details, other than to say that although he might believe them, other evidence suggests the reasons are BS.
I'm basically NC with my brother and SIL now. But I still feel sad and mad about them. Any tips for getting into a better frame of mind during these weeks until my daughter's wedding? Thank you.

[Rebel13]

Hi Poison Ivy,

This is so awful. I hate how people ruin special occasions.

Maybe you don't have to be in a "better frame of mind"? Maybe you can be sad or mad or whatever about your brother, and still be thrilled for your daughter and enjoy the celebration with people you love? And be sorry he's not there, or mad about their drama, at the same time?

I'm trying to learn how to take my emotions as they come and let them go when they're ready. (This is really hard for me and I'm not trying to sound like an expert!) One tool that has helped me is the self compassion meditation I wrote about in another thread. It helps me when I'm fighting with emotions I don't want and trying to force them to go away.

I hope you have a wonderful time at your daughter's wedding and find a way to be OK with ALL of yourself there.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, Rebel13. I appreciate your empathy and I like your suggestions.

[bloomie]

Poison Ivy - Just wondering if this is the same brother or two different brothers? I am thinking it is, but just double checking.

I am going to start with #2 first... Congratulations!!! There is something so joyful and expectant when our adult children find their love and we get to celebrate with them!! I agree with Rebel... it hurts and it is okay that it does when a sibling/in law do something like this. Having both the joy and the sadness kind of coexisting is human and real. My own sister, who had always led my children to believe they were special to her, (she has none of her own) did not attend our son's wedding, which was in the bride's home city/state not ours. And like your brother the excuses made were ridiculous. What I noticed is it changed not only my relationship with her, but my son's as well. He was very hurt and that was really hard to see, much harder than my disappointment. I am very sorry your family is experiencing that.

With your brother telling you the trash talking your sil is doing about your family of origin... is there a simple, short response you could make to shut it down? Or could you ask why he is telling you this? Sometimes my own siblings have shared their own feelings via a surrogate... their spouse.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, bloomie. I have two brothers; the one doing this stuff is my older brother.

My family members tend to not talk about their feelings. Some of them seem to be lacking self-understanding. I understand myself very well and I talk about my feelings. But I don't share every thought that goes through my head. My brother's choice to tell us these things that his wife might (or might not) have said seems like the worst combination of lack of self-understanding, prioritization of his and hiw wife's feelings, and oversharing.

My SIL doesn't seem to care how she comes across; I give her credit for not pretending. My brother seems to have a strong need to be liked by everyone. So the reasons he gives for doing things that aren't nice tend to be presented with the following: "I have to do this. If I don't, wife [SIL] will give me the silent treatment. I'm not happy but who is. Better to stay married to her than to get a divorce."

Our mom has dementia. For awhile, after her health started to decline but before she developed dementia, she acknowledged that my sister was the best child. I'm not just saying this; my sister has been a devoted, loving child and then caregiver to Mom. But for many years and now again, when Mom has dementia, brother is often the golden child.

[bloomie]

Poison Ivy - thanks for taking the time to clarify. Yikes! Sounds layered and complex. I am struck by the long term and painful effects of favoritism. I have the exact sibling distribution with so many similarities in the behaviors manifested in my own family of origin dynamic it is striking.

I understand myself very well and I talk about my feelings. But I don't share every thought that goes through my head.

This is emotional, relational, spiritual maturity and the juxtaposition of your self awareness, healing and growth against the painful struggles of siblings is so hard. My heart goes out to you in all of this.