Lonely - and Exhausted!

[BreatheDeep]

Hi I'm going to jump right into it: I am desperately lonely right now. I've been married for a very very long time to someone with strong narcissistic traits (the covert flavor    not the grandiose one).  I always knew something was wrong, but didn't realize just how wrong until about a year ago. Holy cow. What a revelation.

I'm doing ok processing everything, but I'm just so alone, and so worn out, and I literally have no friends, and no one to talk to about this stuff. But at the same time, I don't really want to talk about this stuff, you know? I just want to have an ordinary conversation with a "normal" person!

Anybody relate to that?

[Rebel13]

Hello, BreatheDeep, and welcome! I'm sorry you are feeling lonely and maybe a little overwhelmed by some new realizations?

There are lovely people on this forum who will share their stories and insights. Look around and see what speaks to you! I wish you luck in finding the kind of support and conversations you need IRL as well.

This article was interesting and helped me value those "ordinary" moments more: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_loving_moments_with_strangers_carry_lasting_benefits

[BreatheDeep]

Rebel13, thank you so much for your reply; I really appreciate you taking the time to respond! And Thank you for sharing that link! I'll definitely check it out.

You're right, I'm also overwhelmed. On top of the horror of learning that the person I've been living with for decades has been using me to get his needs met from the very start, with no consideration whatsoever for mine, I also realized how shockingly isolated I am. When I took a few small steps at trying to change that, I got a reality check. He pulled out all the stops. Me having a social life or any kind of emotional support does not meet his needs. All of a sudden, I remembered exactly why I had stopped trying.

I explored this site a bit last night and was struck by how many other posters mentioned feeling tired, exhausted, lonely. Clearly, I am not alone.

Thanks again for the warm welcome, Rebel. I hope to see you around.

[Stayingstrong]

Hello BreatheDeep. I can relate. I was married to someone who flip-flopped between being covert and overt. Before I met him I was very outgoing and had a lot of friends and a pretty active social life. nine years later I ended up having no one. When I finally realized I needed to leave, I looked around and realized I was alone. It took me a while to come to terms with everything, but I started to work on building up my social connections, reaching back out to old friends and finding new ones. 15 years later, I have a wonderful husband, a great group of friends and have rediscovered myself. It takes some time, but if you lean into safe spaces you'll find that there are people out there to connect with.

[BreatheDeep]

Hi StayingStrong, Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I'm so happy for you! And it really soothes my heart to hear about a good outcome. Really made my night, thank you. 

[Red Riding Hood No More]

I can so relate. Just getting out of a similar relationship with someone who tends toward antisocial personality disorder. This seems like a very common pairing, BPD and APD, due to what my new therapist calls trauma bonding. He still calls me everyday and I'm having such a difficult time ending it fully as I feel like I have no one else to really talk to in the same way. All the best to you in finding a new healthy life path. I'm trying to do the same.

[Ed]

Going through the same. Lots of empathy. On one side you avoid people, on the other you need some. People will come very soon as you will be ready for them. Now is the time to heal. I went out recently with people for the first time in years. It wasn't perfect or happy party, but I thought why the f I spend 15 years in a prison while I could have this any time like others live their whole life. People will come very soon. Everyone is lonely and want to connect.

[MaxedOut]

I relate to that as well, BreatheDeep. I had gotten pretty lonely and isolated with my ex UBPD spouse. Part because she would split on people then make life super hard on me if I didn't cut those people off too. Part because of the difficult reactions from doing my own thing, like you mention. And part just being exhausted, overwhelmed, and some shame/discomfort with pretending things were ok when I did connect with others. The books Stop Walking on Eggshells and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist helped me navigate reasserting regular activities and relationships while in the marriage (the reactivity did have the ins tense "extinction burst" type intensity described in one of those books but did then settle down-I just needed to be able and willing to tolerate the reactions and be steady in asserting needs). I also intentionally rebuild connections. Some just texting, some more about in person time.

You mention not wanting to talk about stuff-one thing I did was recognize that support and connection that is valuable comes in a lot of forms. Funny gifs texted by a friend with a great sense of humor helps. Going to watch a game with my more jock-hang buddies helps in a different way, doing a regular sports league switches my brain to something different and is incredibly good for stress relief. Hanging with a friend with family doing normal stuff helps ground reality. The friends who are physically affectionate are great for touch and care. Until I separated I mostly kept the honest talk about the relationship and my spouse's conditions to my therapists but did cultivate deeper convos with the right folks, just mostly about other stuff.

You may be surprised how much feeling lonely can be helped in ways that don't involve directly talking about the PD stuff.

This created a wide and strong network of connections for and with me. It helped me also tackle some of the exhaustion/overwhelm, in part because I was not always mentally pickled in my spouse's reality and part from building muscles and strength in asserting my needs again and saying yes and no with more intent.

I realized whether or not I stayed, I *needed* to feel connected, have my own interests, and reduce the overwhelm. I was not doing ok, at all. The "lighting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm" isn't sustainable.

And with PD people, sacrificing stuff is a game with no end point. It is never enough. The upside about that is that it can be a sort of similar "not enough" regardless of whether you are carving out space for your existence/needs or lighting yourself on fire. So for me it became, "If she's going to lash out and call me names or get mad or whatever no matter what, I might as well figure out what I need most and start creating those things."

In my case, I did end up leaving. But when I did I had built back connections, maintained activities I like, gotten better about boundaries, better understood "my side of the street" for responsibilities, and relieved a ton of anguish and FOG. It also helped in getting needs we often think of as needs of a primary relationship met in other ways, which was good for both of us (I'm not talking about physical intimacy but the other stuff that culture tells us should be met by a partner and in isolating relationships then can translate into being seen as things only potentially met by a disordered partner).

All of that then meant I could get a much clearer sense of which things really were not OK with me (mostly abusive stuff) as a continued part of the relationship and what was more stuff to manage or understand as her stuff or take responsibility for getting elsewhere. Dr. Ramani has a good book (Should I Stay or Should I Go) about working with reality rather than hope and understanding and accepting a PD person's capabilities.

But looping back, isolation and being worn out were two of THE biggest issues for me and were what I prioritized addressing (along with safety/boundaries about abuse).

[BreatheDeep]

Thank you MaxedOut, Ed, and RedRidingHoodNoMore, I appreciate your replies.
Looking forward to doing normal things more often, with healthier individuals!