Fog just lifted after decades

[Stepping lightly]

Hi All- I am new to this section of Out of the FOG, but have been posting in the co-parenting area for quite a long time now.  Based on the experience I have had with my husband's ex/my step children's mom, I feel like I have an unofficial degree in psychology.  I understand the behaviors, patterns...so having the fog lift about my brother has turned me upside down.

A little backstory- I am the youngest of 3 children, I have 2 older brothers.  My one brother has always been what I refer to as "quirky" because I never had another word for it.  I have been quite close to this brother, lived about 15 minutes away, very close with my niece and nephews, spent holidays together.  There have always been challenging dynamics, but I always thought it was really my SIL causing the problems. 

When I say "challenging dynamics", things like taking advantage of family for babysitting in extreme ways, refusing to coordinate for holidays, doing everything last minute or not being response when you need something, borrowing things and not giving them back until you have to ask and then it's a massive show about it.  Things I always wrote off as "being a pain in the butt". 

There were also instances of brother saying or doing something that made absolutely no sense, and would shock me so much in the moment I couldn't even regroup myself enough to be like "what was that?". 

Last summer, my father had a massive stroke and has needed extensive care every since.  Brother drove right past the hospital dad was in on his way to stay in Dad's beach house for 2 weeks while the rest of the family suffered and struggled.  He finally came to help after multiple delays and I had to put my foot down in an absolute temper tantrum.

The beach house is what finally lifted my fog.  This house has been in our family for generations, it is where we spent our summers as kids, and it means the world to all 3 of us.  Brother has been moving in on the beach house for years, but it's Dad's house so there wasn't much I could say.  He just kept slowly pushing other family members out of the schedule.  When Dad is gone, the house is willed to all 3 of us evenly, and this has terrified me for a long time.   Since Dad is incapacitated brother has planted his 19 year old son in the house for the whole summer without asking anyone else if that would impact their plans.  His justification is what blew the lifetime of fog away in a moment.  He said "I know you don't like going there", and when I asked why he would ever think that, he said "because you didn't go at all last summer".  My jaw dropped, I was caring for my father the entire summer and it was used against me to push me out.  He acted reasonable for a few minutes and was agreeing to making sure plans are discussed in advance, etc, and then he snaps "I am just going to tell nephew to quit his job".  Since he had resorted to emotional blackmail, I cursed at him and hung up.  Very quickly he texted me "where did you go?  I was agreeing with you".  SO- this next part blew my mind.....I couldn't remember why I hung up!! I must have told my husband in the moment in between hanging up and getting the text, but I literally had no memory- I actually started to panic because I knew something was missing, but I didn't know why I had gotten so angry!  It came back to me like 5 minutes later, and from what I have researched cognitive dissonance can do that!

There were other issues from the phone call- like demanding that my Step mother bring my father to a graduation party for my niece, but refusing to allow them to say in their house or offer any level of support.  My Dad is wheelchair bound now with emotional regulation and memory issues, so taking him away from home and to another state is no small task.  The limitations on support he was implementing on his end were risking that both my father and SM may end up in unsafe and undignified situations.  The absolute lack of compassion blew me away.

I kept my distance from him for several weeks leading up to the party.  I interacted with him as little as possible, but for the first time I was seeing all of the behaviors.  He told me at the end of the party we needed to talk to smooth over the last phone call.

I decided I was incapable of a phone call, but told him we could discuss over text.  I am SO glad I did.  He used every PD technique in the book, it's all there in black and white now and .....how did I never see this!?  Now my memory can't be tricked, I can see what we said. 

I have been literally going through every memory I have of him that I can think of and holy moly- the entitlement, the grandiosity, the lack of empathy, the manipulations and gaslighting.  All of the memories I couldn't understand have all clicked into place.

I have been deeply grieving the relationship I thought I had with a sibling that has zero ability to have a loving, kind and empathetic relationship.  To know that all this time I was some sort of tool for what he needed/how he was viewed is a bit sickening.  I keep checking myself, because....that seems like an extreme thing to say, that there really never was a relationship, but memory after memory is telling me otherwise.

If you read this far- thanks :-)

[Poison Ivy]

I read it, you're welcome, and thank you for writing about this situation.

[walking on broken glass]

What a realisation, Stepping Lightly! I am sure it was a shock but maybe also a relief to put all these pieces together. Your brother sounds textbook PD. I hope you can navigate your relationship better now that you have this knowledge.

[Stayingstrong]

Wow. That left me speechless for a minute.  I'm so sorry for all you've had to go through, but so happy you're Out of the FOG.  My situation with my sister was similar. I saw the behaviors but didn't understand what was happening until I got older. I think texts really help unmask PDs because they can't spin us in circles the same way. It's always such a weird experience to get gaslit and then re-read a text and then have that "Ohhhhhhhh" moment when you see what is happening. What a painful thing to be going through but at least you can see clearly now.

[skybox]

Having it in text is great validation.Your words about grieving relationship that was never there really resonated.
I still find myself trying, wishing for «  low key normal ».

There is some work by Patrick Teahan on YouTube videos on sibling abuse, might be helpful.

[Stepping lightly]

Thank you all for the comments.  Repressed memories have been slowly coming to the surface.  It is mind boggling to me that I was abused and assaulted by a sibling, and for 51 years had no idea!  I feel like my entire history as I know it has been rewritten in a matter of months.  As much as it is heartbreaking, there is a level of empowerment now to manage my emotions.  I am NOT broken, I was just being toyed with and manipulated.  The shame I would feel when he made me lose my temper,  no longer has control of me.

I have determined that I can have no face to face or verbal contact for....a very long time.  My husband is aware of the memories surfacing, so it is probably best he keeps his distance too!