9 Month update—Sad but True

[Deby64]

Hey all, I'm going to give you a roller coaster ride. As many of you know. I left my unpd-h 9 months ago. We still have not divorced because of the high conflict. He continues to use the word of God to manipulate this situation. I have more peace being in my own space, yet he often crosses boundaries by coming over for this or that. He attempts the guilt trips of how selfish I am for walking out of a 42 year old marriage, when all I needed to do to make it work was be submissive and follow his leadership. Mind you, he leads nothing. His EGO, makes him think he's this God fearing provider, when if he was able to be honest and self reflect he would see he does nothing. He abuses me sexually or no I give of myself out of guilt and a lack of self love. When he says you're still my wife and under the covenant of God my body belongs to him and he refuses to engage in adultery because I'm being controlling and selfish. He's on the God complex trip, he speaks as if he God and I am to honor and worship him. When I attempt to push back and set healthy boundaries, the monster 👺 within him shows his ulgy face. He never touches me, but insinuates with his words what he could and should do to me if it wasn't for the Lord holding him back. I know it's a scare tactic, but who's to say. People SNAP all the time. I know he's struggling financially and mentally in the house I continue to pay for, which is why he is reaching out more consistently. I went NC several times then he just pulls up to my house. We live in a small town where everybody knows your name. I constantly hit my head on the stupid wall of Hope. Hoping he'll see his sickness and take accountability or responsibility for being untreated. That's so delusional on my part. If he hasn't seen in these 9 months that he has a huge part to play in this destruction of our marriage. He never, ever will. I just want him to move on with his life and leave me alone. I've told him he can have the house and I will keep paying the loan we just got on it. That's not good enough, he wants me back under his control. The tool in the toolbox is how I still have my sanity. I do love and care about him, he's a sick man. I'm really doing my best to focus on exactly what it is I love about him. I think I've been conditioned to believe what he says and does is love. Until I can detach from the bond I don't see how a piece of paper saying I'm divorced is going to help. The emotional attachment is what's killing me. I don't know how to hate him enough to detach. I keep justifying his behavior because I say I know his intentions are pure, he truly believes the 💩 coming out of his mouth. He is doing all this raging because he loves me and wants to open my eyes so I don't go to hell. I've told him to let God and I figure this out. He can't let go, I guess I can't either.

[Poison Ivy]

One thing that helped me make and become comfortable with the decision to divorce my husband (10 years ago this month) was accepting that I could not fix him. Coming to this realization required humility: acknowledging that I am not all powerful and that there are many things I can't control.

[Deby64]

Poison Ivy, I do realize I can't fix him. I believe my struggle is loving myself enough to know I deserve better. It's like I'm brainwashed to believe he's the only one for me and I deserve this ugly treatment because I chose him

[Poison Ivy]

You don't deserve this ugly treatment! No one does.

[MaxedOut]

 
"I don't know how to hate him enough to detach." You don't need to hate him, Deby. I don't hate my ex.

As Poison Ivy mentions, I did come to understand I could not fix, nor expect my wife to get better. And, I came to accept and understand she likely would never see her responsibility or mistreatment of me or others in a meaningful way.

If that was something a PD could really understand and if/when they saw it, actually sit with that knowledge and discomfort and feel the impact and make things right... well they wouldn't be PD. They wouldn't have done it in the first place, most likely.

You mention hope... hope he'll take responsibility for being untreated. The folks with PDs who really want to change and seek and stick with treatment don't really sound like your husband. And treatment is long, hard, and doesn't have a significant success rate, even for the modalities shown to be more effective.

Importantly, treatment, when successful, doesn't change the personality. Personality isn't a thing one can "fix"; it is hardwired in each of us. The desire to control, the feelings of entitlement, the feeling you are to blame, the misogyny wouldn't go away - it would all still be his personality and perspective. Treatment can help modulate reactivity to a degree, but doesn't change personality.

The threatening is scary. As you mention, people can snap. Especially people who want control.

One thing I was struck by was just the feeling of how much better I treat myself than my ex did. It doesn't matter whether there is another "one for me" because I am much better for me than a toxic relationship and abusive partner. I felt far more alone in my marriage than I have since leaving.

You don't deserve this treatment. As PoisonIvy mentions: no one does.

We don't choose to be treated poorly or pick our partners with understanding of what things will be like down the road. I think you are spot on, Deby, with the insight about loving yourself. My sticking points were different but ultimately were also about working on myself, not about my ex.

And, spoiler: the marriage ending did not bring her around to any revelations. She has instead shifted the same patterns and harm and relationship difficulties to a sibling. Which is important to understand-we aren't in some unique tango with a PD mate. It is typically unique for us, which makes it seem like we maybe hold a key to improving things. But this is the dance they do.

My peace, my respect for myself, my kindness towards myself, my choice and voice in living my life how I want.... Those are things I value so much now and will protect fiercely. And if there is one (or more than one) someone's in the future, maintaining those things is a basic minimum. Because I have now (re)built a life I like and that is so much healthier for me.

One thing that helped me was playing the what if game with the unknown, because it turns out things are usually not as scary as they seem. What if I don't have another partner? Well that is still loads better than what life came to be in my marriage. I have much more connection with others now and much richer relationships.

What if they struggle? Well, they'll probably figure it out. But regardless, I am not responsible for another adult and I did not choose for them to behave in ways that have distanced most of their other relationships. It was never enough when we were together because of how PDs see things, so I could choose to try and keep filling an infinitely deep well and keep shrinking my self and needs to do so... or put down the pail.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[Rebel13]

Hi Deby, I'm glad to hear from you! I'm sorry you are struggling so much. Like others have said, your husband's behavior sounds kind of scary and threatening. Do you think it might be time to get help from someone you trust, to maybe make a safety plan, or discuss more serious kinds of interventions?

I know you know this, but I want to reiterate, that part of why things are so difficult and confusing is probably because you are still in contact. It's very hard to get your head on straight when the abuse is continuing. Every interaction throws you back physically/physiologically/neurologically/emotionally/mentally/spiritually into a dysregulated, confused, fearful self-questioning swirl.

I think if you can get (back?) to the place where you're not interacting with him, things will start to make a lot more sense and you'll feel calmer and surer about what you want to do and how you want your life to be.

Still rooting for you and wishing you the best.

[blunk]

Hi Deby,

Sadly, I have dealt with so much of what you have described...the guilt trips, being called selfish, him claiming that I'm just throwing away X number of years, the ignoring of boundaries, the showing up unannounced. They really do seem to follow the same script.

What you said in this post, "I don't know how to hate him enough to detach" reminded me of something I learned here at Out of the FOG. Please forgive me, I don't remember which member said it, but...the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

You don't have to hate your ex to detach, but it would benefit you to get to the point of not letting him affect you one way or the other. And eventually you will be able to stop hoping for change, and accept that if he could change he would have done so by now. Whether to stop his own pain, or to stop hurting you and/or others. Believe me, I know that all of this is easier said than done, but I did find it easier to stop caring than to bring myself to hate him. Goodness knows I have countless reasons to hate him, but more than anything I started to pity him.

There was also another post here about the power of "Meh". I'm sure that you can search for it, but the gist was getting to the point where you default to Meh. If, for example, your ex calls and you don't feel like talking, instead of feeling Obligation or Guilt you instead think...Meh maybe I'll call him back later. Again, it takes some work to get there, but it is so freeing when you finally do.

Wishing you all the best.

[SeaBreeze]

It is truly a process and yes it can be a rolledcoaster! I think you're handling it better than you are giving yourself credit for. 9 months -- that's a big milestone! Yes there can be setbacks but my advice is continue looking forward, even if/when you take a step or two back, keep your eyes focused ahead.

Your home is your safe haven. I'm sorry your H is intruding into that haven, both your physical space and your mental space. When I left my ex-uNPDh, it helped that I moved a few states away, but staying in contact by phone and text with him still made it difficult to fully detach until I eased into VLC. We were also separated about 1-1/2 years before we actually divorced. So there is no correct timeline or deadline on divorce, you will know if or when that time is right for you and your situstion.

In the meantime... What might you do to better enforce your boundaries and protect yourself when H shows up at your home or in your space? Both physical boundaries to keep him out, and mental/emotional/spiritual boundaries for your own inner peace? As often discussed here, boundaries are meant to protect *you*, (since we know PD's like to push against them!)

Hang in there. Keep trying. Continue posting. Show yourself some grace, maybe imagine what would you suggest to another member if they were posting similar here?