Feeling Trapped

[YellowFlower]

I recently had my lightbulb moment stumbling upon this forum and the toolbox. The BPD symptoms list felt more like a checklist for how my partner behaves rather than a list of symptoms, and it's nice to finally have some words for what I've been going through. Things have died down some as she goes to therapy, and I get out more and spend time around other people, which I think gave me the peace of mind to process all this. Moreover, it has given me some clarity to see what "normal" looks like. I notice how even as things have gotten better she put me in a no-win situation asking me to watch a horror movie, a genre I hate, and when I said no was blamed for never spending time together and absconded for bringing that up as a complaint previously. I would have broken up with her months ago if she had a place to stay but she doesn't, and every time I try she is so convincing for that brief period before going back to how she was before (I have a word for that too now), with me feeling all the more guilty for asking for but not committing to it. Anyway, thanks for the incredible forum and toolbox, it makes me feel so much less alone.

[bloomie]

YellowFlower - welcome to Out of the FOG. Thank you for sharing a bit of the relationship challenges you are facing. I am so sorry that you are in the midst of this, but also glad you found this community of fellow travelers. Feeling trapped!!! Such a diminishing space to be in.

It is validating and helpful to be able to put a name to a pattern of behavior(s) in a primary relationship that may be so confusing and shifting that we doubt our own perceptions and actual, lived experiences. I am thankful you found the toolbox and information at the drop down menus above.

Something I was encouraged and empowered by when I first arrived here, that continues to this day, is seeing such eerily similar descriptions of behaviors and interactions, long standing challenges and repetitive experiences shared here by other members to what I have experienced in my own life. Seeing in black letters on a white screen, written by people I have never met, what has played out in my own life with a person I've come to be has a disordered way of viewing the world and traits echoed by others has been both heartbreaking and helpful.

I am so grateful for the north star that the concept of coming out of the fear, obligation, guilt in these relationships has been for me and I hope it will be for you as well.

The first thing I really grasped as a truth for me or mantra is The 3C's Rule which says: "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it. Remembering that the only thing I can control, change is simply me.

Sending you clarity of purpose and the strength you need to continue on your healing journey. I look forward to supporting you as you settle in and begin to engage and share as you are ready.

[Ed]

I'm going through the same. Feeling guilty is kind of being a good supportive person. That doesn't work with manipulative people. They think it's a weakness. I lost at least 7 years not breaking up and it was a completely horror. At some point you have to take care of yourself. And therapy and YouTube has not helped at all as I was trying to fix myself. At one point I had my lightbulb moment and understood that I don't have to fix myself. I have to start changing the situation. So I started slowly being consistent. And it felt really bad at first. I didn't want to talk about myself, but it's the easiest way for me to explain. I have completely stopped explaining, defending, asking, begging, being angry. They don't understand anything but facts and power. I wish you a fast detox.