Divorce is survivable

[Poison Ivy]

10 years ago today, my divorce was finalized. I wasn't happy that my marriage wasn't good, but I was and am glad that I decided to file for divorce.

One thing that helped give me the courage to file and carry out the process was to say to myself, "Do I want to be in the same situation (this bad marriage) 10 years from now?" My answer was "no."

So here I am. I haven't dated anyone, and I doubt I will. That's okay with me. My finances are strong; they were not during the second half of our 31-year marriage. I'm still working, and I am able to focus on my job instead of on my ex's troubles. My ex and I get along well enough that we'll be traveling together for parts of our younger child's destination wedding this summer. He has become a better father, and I've stayed a good mother. 

[escapingman]

What a great update, well done and congratulations!

[Rebel13]

That's really wonderful, Poison Ivy. I'm sure it didn't come easy, especially when you initiated the process. But I'm so happy you have made a peaceful life for yourself.

[SeaBreeze]

Happy 10th anniversary of freedom! As someone who is now 3 years out with a similar sounding trajectory as you, it's encouraging to hear we are all on the right track!! Thank you for sharing this update!

[MaxedOut]

Great update, Poison Ivy, and a good reminder that the "what ifs" go both ways. We tend to what-if about the scary or sad things that may come aboiut from ending a relationship without what-if-ing the scenario of staying. I had similar thoughts of "do I want to be her in X years?"

I also lost my best friend to cancer and had some health issues that were getting tested for more serious possibilities and remember thinking a few things like "you've got one precious life and no garuntee of the length...." and "I do not want to die in this situation." and "if I get cancer I will have to divorce because I definitely can not deal with that and caretaking and emotionally regulating another person."

Before my friend died, they said something's that also stuck with me. My ex was in an episode with psychosis and had driven several hundred miles and taken a bunch of pills. I was driving and talking with my friend (who deeply cared about my ex while also seeing how much everything had taken an immeasurable toll, how it was "killing" me), who paused and said "you know, marriage is not a suicide pact."

It is great to hear about the financial stability - just having control over finances is so much better than the unpredictability or strain that often comes with partnership with a person with PD. It is also great to hear you two are able to get along and be there for your children in what sounds like better versions of yourselves (while you've stayed a good mother, I'd assume all the positives of having your own life make for better presence for your kids).

Congratulations on the upcoming wedding and trip!

[square]

I'm sure it was a hard choice but clearly you are in a much more stable and less stressful situation now. Well done.