Allowing 20 year old to see records?

Stepping lightly · June 03, 2026, 10:13:19 AM

Hi All!

I am hoping to get some feedback or hear from anyone that has gone through this process. My stepbdaughter is almost 21. She has become estranged from uNPD BM after BM kicked her out of the house when she turned 18. BM had previously promised to show DSD all the custody records once she turned 18, but kicked DSD out before that could happen. DSD has been along the margins of truly understanding how abusive BM was to her, she has really spiraled emotionally, and is just starting to feel safe with DH and me. She has moved in with us temporarily, and she is actually more emotionally level than I have seen her...since I can remember.

There have been some casual comments about her looking through some of our documentation, she doesn't push it, and we aren't encouraging it. I do suspect we will have tonmake a decision on this at some point. I feel like she deserves to see the documentation, but also realize the level of gaslighting and accusations may be difficult to understand (although she may be able to understand it better than we expect). . I also worry about some of the really harsh facts she will see. I recently read through some of the details from before I was around, and the cruelty of her mother is unmatched and my heart broke.

Has anyone had a child at this age see the documents? How did it go? I am not excited about the idea, but it also feels like she may need to see some things to process her trauma. If we only show "some things", she will wonder what is in the rest. I guess we would also need to protect her brother as there is private information about him as well.

Weirdly, I have recently come Out of the FOG of my FOO, realizing I have a covert NPD sibling that has abused me since childhood. It has been a mind blowing experience, and DSD has been so extremely supportive. She sadly understands all the psychology and never liked my sibling. I feel as though the processing of my trauma and feeling safe with her and DH has created a much safer place for her to exist as well. Silver lining!

Poison Ivy · June 04, 2026, 05:56:53 PM

Hi. What do you mean by "documentation"? Is the stepdaughter adopted?

Stepping lightly · June 04, 2026, 08:00:59 PM

Documentation regarding the custody situation. There was a custody evaluation during the divorce, maybe some of the parental Communication. We have boxes of records from that period of time. I know she definitely wants to read a couple of the letters BM sent me.

Associate of Daniel · June 05, 2026, 06:59:09 AM

I'm in a similar situation, although ds19 hasn't asked to see anything lately. I'm in two minds about it.

I don't want to negatively influence his relationship with his uNPD father and uNPD smother, but I do want him to see them for what they are so that he can set strong boundaries around his relationships with them.

But I need to be careful not to be pushing the exposure for my own validation. His relationship with them is very different from mine.

Mind you, since his uNPD smother kicked both his uNPD father and him out of the house a few weeks ago, it seems there has been very little contact between the 3 of them. Maybe the relationships between all of them are doomed! My poor boy.

AOD

Deborah · June 05, 2026, 09:14:48 AM

Hm. Difficult. I think I would recommend against it - at least for the moment. I had to focus on all the creepy details before I was ready. As to protect my child in court. I protected my child from his dad - and wrecked my own mind in the process. Because all the crazy details overwhelmed me. Especially since I had no secure basis in myself and around me yet.

At this point my child (15 y/o) demands answers. I brought it up with CPS and we want to call in a narrative therapist. Who will help me tell the bigger storyline of my family, my ex and myself and his own childhood. I want to refrain from showing all the details. Unless they have a function or his own mind brings them up.

My personal feeling... take from it what you feel fits the situation there...

First, a secure base in the now and the future is the most important. A secure base around her, for example in your home. And a secure base inside her own body and mind. If you do not have enough of a secure base...you cannot bear the traumatic details. She only just started to calm down. I'd give it more time. I personally described it as: "I feel like I am still fleeing from a bear and at the same time have to sit down and process all the scary details". You system is not built to do both at once. It is either/or.

Second, I do think to calm down, you need to have a grip on your life story. But I would suggest focusing on the bigger narrative. The main story. I am not sure how to explain this, but I felt shattered. It felt like I had a mountain of disorganized coats (scary details). But no coat rack to organize them on (main storyline of my life). I would suggest focusing on the safe base. Then focusing on the "coat rack" (main story of her life). Before confronting her with a whole bunch of coats (creepy details)... that she may not have a place for in her mind.

I would work with a trauma-informed therapist.. a good one...who can step by step peel away the layers with her. And check in what she is ready for.

Sorry...I have no clue how to explain it better than this...I would not let her read the documentation herself. I would only add details when they have an important function in the main story. Maybe to illustrate a main point. Or when her own mind brings it up. My experience is my own mind brings up a detail... when I need to process it...and I am ready for it. If you are the one telling a detail... you can see what she is ready for... rather than dump a big paperwork full of cruelty in her lap.

When she is stronger, there may (or may not) be room to dive into all the cruel details in the documentation. But with my own crash in mind, I would recommend against diving into all the detail too early. If that makes sense?

Poison Ivy · June 05, 2026, 11:10:17 AM

Stepping lightly · June 05, 2026, 12:26:59 PM

I love that approach Deborah! It makes total sense. DSD currently feels like she isn't ready, but has also expressed at some point to want to review some of the documentation. I just want to make sure we are prepared so she isn't hurt in the process. I honestly can't even look through everything, and even thinking about it makes my stomach hurt.

AOD- Since DSD already has a good sense of her mother, and even calls her indirectly a NPD (i.e "I have a Narcissist that intentionally triggers my anger", after having recently told me how BM manipulates her by triggering her to get angry), I think fornus it is more of a matter of clarifying some of the events in her life. If your DS doesn't have that awareness of his Smum and father, might be best for him to have the fog lift on his own rather than run the risk of him resenting you.

Penny Lane · June 10, 2026, 05:40:26 PM

Stepping!!

First I want to take a moment to celebrate you and your DH. You have been through such a long hard road and you've stayed so consistently there for the kids. I am so happy to hear that your SD is finally able to accept the stability that you all are offering. It's not perfect, nothing is when you have a PD mom, but you've made such a positive impact in her life. When I first started coming on these forums things for you guys were so bleak. Is it weird to say through the internet that I am proud of you?

Secondly, everyone makes good points here and especially I agree with everything Deborah says. This part is very wise:

Quote from: Deborah on June 05, 2026, 09:14:48 AMFirst, a secure base in the now and the future is the most important. A secure base around her, for example in your home. And a secure base inside her own body and mind. If you do not have enough of a secure base...you cannot bear the traumatic details. She only just started to calm down. I'd give it more time. I personally described it as: "I feel like I am still fleeing from a bear and at the same time have to sit down and process all the scary details". You system is not built to do both at once. It is either/or.

Second, I do think to calm down, you need to have a grip on your life story. But I would suggest focusing on the bigger narrative. The main story. I am not sure how to explain this, but I felt shattered. It felt like I had a mountain of disorganized coats (scary details). But no coat rack to organize them on (main storyline of my life). I would suggest focusing on the safe base. Then focusing on the "coat rack" (main story of her life). Before confronting her with a whole bunch of coats (creepy details)... that she may not have a place for in her mind.

I would work with a trauma-informed therapist.. a good one...who can step by step peel away the layers with her. And check in what she is ready for.

But. In our situation, if it were my stepkids, I would let them see it. (Or at least, support DH in letting them see it. He'd probably make the ultimate decision. He's always been willing to share more with the kids and his instincts are usually spot on). I will caveat that they have never asked, at least not since they were very young, and I hope they never do.

Here is my thinking, and take what applies to your situation and ignore the rest.

One of my SKs' biggest issues is that their mom and their dad tell them wildly different versions of the same event. So one thing that very often comes up is that BM will tell DH no to something, then she'll tell the kids that HE was the one who said no. This has played out in a bunch of ways and it's very confusing for the kids! They know someone is lying and they don't know who it is so it's like their entire foundation of reality is in question and there is no way to truly know what's real.

The other reason I would tell them is that I have found they don't really ask questions they're not ready for. I've had a lot of conversations where they danced around what I think are the obvious questions and I always speculated they don't actually want to know the answer. So when they do finally ask I feel like they really want to know.

Finally, I will share that BM this year did something so atrocious to the kids that she couldn't cover it up, and their relationship has fractured greatly. I think maybe we all know this is coming for our kids, it's just a matter of when. I've always dreaded this, thinking it would be really painful for the kids. But actually what I've found is that they feel almost .. free? It's like everything crystallized in their head all at once and the uncertainty they've been operating under for their whole lives is now clear. Literally like they've come Out of the FOG. (of course, years of conversation and therapy and preparation came before this. Obviously if it had happened totally out of the blue with no support it'd be even harder.) Anyway I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that I've never seen them less stressed - even as they're so unhappy with their mom.

I realize that these are all very specific to my situation and maybe they apply and maybe they don't. I guess I wrote all that out to sort out my thoughts and where I landed is: There's a scenario where she might be ready to see these, at some point. I think a lot of it depends on how far you think she is on her journey. But if she straight up asks, I would lean toward showing her. As minimal as you can, and with a lot of support from you and from therapists around her, but show her. It's her life and I think she deserves to see the truth, no matter how hard it is. You can even prep her, like, you're going to see some ugly things from your mom, let's make sure you're in a place where you can process it. Things like that.

I guess I'm agreeing with Deborah and telling you what I would look for to see if she's ready to know.

Good luck. As always, I don't think there's one right answer here, it's a few less than perfect choices and your job might very well be to figure out what causes her the least amount of harm.

She is so lucky to have you both.

hhaw · June 14, 2026, 09:41:12 AM

Jumping in with suggestion to always speak about the PD parents with compassion.....to always leave space, and support. sk's wanting the best for their disordered parent.

It leaves space, for the children to be angry and to judge for themselves, if one shares documentation without judgement or emotional charge.

verum71 · June 17, 2026, 11:33:08 PM

This is a tough call for sure. I did share some documents with my oldest son 2 years ago and it was pretty hard for him to hear. My youngest 2 are aligned with their BPD mom and are currently living with her as adults (19 and 23). I'm sure that every parent on this board fantasizes about the moment you sit own with your child and lay it all out there - here is all of the stuff that went on behind the scenes that I protected you from. I've been doing a lot of research on being a targeted parent and some of the ways that work to reconnect with your child and some that don't. It logically seems like "hey - here is all of this evidence of the shitty goings on behind the scenes" and all of this new information will somehow liberate my child or create some vindication for me as a targeted parent. Listening to adults who have been victims of alienation by a parent, they have been quick to say that this would not be effective - the damage is deep seated and very hard to undo. It was very discouraging to hear this and left me not feeling very hopeful. I guess my advice would follow some of the others on this thread - if your child asks to know, let them know but keep it factual and attempt to reduce the emotional eenergy or baggage that me be with it as well.

firepoetry · June 30, 2026, 06:45:29 AM

I think every child is different.

I know for myself, I was an alienated child, but in a different way. My dad actually alienated my mom from me (as opposed to alienating me from my mom). He always made her feel bad (I didn't know it at the time, but I've put my own pieces together). I always knew my father didn't love me. I always tried to reach my mom, but at a certain point she seemed too far away, and I was never able to reach her. Then she had a stroke and was not able to speak. She also had cancer and a number of other health issues. And she passed away years ago. After that, I was talking to my cousin, who I was always a little jealous of, because she had a really good relationship with him. He told me that she thought I was a daddy's girl! I was like... what????? And, then I remembered one incident when my dad brought me home and was telling the happy story of how he took me to an amusement park (and lied and said I could have whatever treat I wanted if I went on a roller coaster - I HATE roller coasters, like phobia of them, but I did it, but never got the treat. Not fun for me, that's the part I remember the most.) I remember going over and trying to snuggle with my mom to reconnect with her, and she was just not emotionally there. I wanted to tell her what really happened and that it sucked really bad, but she didn't even ask. She never asked me how my time was at my dad's. It was never good with my dad, just other people. There was a ton of other stuff that happened, and after she died, I was cleaning all her stuff, and sorting through all the paperwork. I saw the final court order, which was a default judgment, and I learned that my dad never even showed up to court for the custody and visitation. So, she defaulted and got full custody. I saw my dad on the weekends. If she had just asked me how my days were, if she had any kind of discussion with me about any of it, I would have begged her not to make me go to my dad's on the weekends at all. He was so mean to me.

Anyways, I ended up growing up and having no one to love me in my family, which replicated throughout horrible relationships for twenty more years before I found real love. Having those court documents and conversation with my cousin helped me sort all that stuff out. But my wish? That I had the information before. I already knew my dad didn't love me, so, the records would have just validated ME, and in that validation, maybe my mom would have been able to let her skeletons go and actually have a real relationship with me. While my past still haunts me today because I'm in court against my Nex, I know what my mom felt like, because there are days where it looks like he completely made her hate me. But, I remember what my dad did, and I will not give up trying to love my teen the best I can, even when she hates me, although it probably isn't as bad as it seems, it may just be my trauma talking. I don't share anything with my teen, but if she asks, I would tell / show her. Because those who don't know their history are doomed to repeat it, and I don't want to doom her. Of course, I know it is different for others, but I thought I'd just throw this perspective out there for people to consider, especially once the children are adults.

Stepping lightly · June 30, 2026, 12:03:03 PM

Thank you all so much for all of your thoughts and advice! DSD is slowly opening up and talking about her childhood at her pace at only when she wants to. The extent of the emotional and physical abuse she has endured is absolutely staggering. We knew things were "not good", but brutality of the emotional abuse and how constant it seemed to be is heartbreaking. They were terrified to tell us anything and have BM find out they told. How the professionals could see and know the things that happened and still fight for the kids to stay with BM is beyond my comprehension. A therapist telling a teenage girl whose is living in an abusive home and enduring a high conflict custody situation that her suicidal ideations are just her seeking attention (because BM said so). The little bits and pieces that would slip out, the professionals brushed away as lies.

I have been pretty open with DSD about how we made decisions, our perspective behind certain situations she brings up and she actually seems to have a pretty good grasp on what really happened. There was one really insane incident she brought up that happened at a sporting event. BM chased us down and screamed at us in public, in front of the kids. BM then gaslit the kids and told them that DH had yelled at her, even when they had seen it with their own eyes. They came back to us repeating that version of the incident and we were just floored. But just yesterday DSD said, "OMG, remember that time at the sporting even when mom got in your face and was yelling at you?"

We never say bad things about her mom, but do admit when situations were hurtful, scary or made us angry.

DSD is not in therapy and knows she needs to be. She has been burned by so many therapists and she knows what she needs to unpack is so overwhelming. She can't envision "going there" mentally with someone she doesn't trust and having to dig up memories that she admittedly is terrified of remembering. One step at a time, this will come when she is ready.

Right now she is safe and we are working on slowly putting one foot in front of the other to learn how to live as an independent adult.

hhaw · July 05, 2026, 04:36:11 PM

Well done, SL. The trust and bond you're building will be strong bedrock for your DSD, likely.

I hope DSD finds a helpful Therapist situation.

As always, I can't say enough about a well trained trauma informed psychotherapists, with Buddhist leanings, and their own therapist, to keep them level.
Tools worth noting:
*EMDR
*AIT (Advanced Integrative Therapy)
*ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy)
*EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)

Somatic therapy is functional care, IME. Everyone, must find. what makes sense to them, of course.

Dealing with inner-child wounded and protective parts, was a game changer for me. Esp after so many failed and harmful therapists in my past.

"The best teacher is the one who will lead you home.....the one that reminds you over and over that you are whole, complete and perfect - until you remember yourself."
-Alanna Kaivalya