My brother in his last days

[JustKeepTrying]

He is young. A couple of years older than me. and many would think I am old but when you are on this side - it feels young.

I was on vacation when I got the call that the cancer was moving quickly and if I wanted to say goodbye I needed to come now. But no pressure. Everyone understood.

I did go. I had been mostly no contact - keeping it to family events, etc. I did go see him when he was first diagnosed. He was apathetic. I could come or go - he didn't care. His wife was beaten down and his kids were struggling.

Everyone looked confused, concerned and basically dealing with the trauma of dealing with him. His abuse, alcoholism, addiction, and the confusion of loving a family member that when they wanted - would turn on the charm. But that inherent narcissism, ever present.

He was my sole source of protection, joy and learning for those early formative years. When my mother had miscarriage after miscarriage and turned to drinking. Drinking - that family curse that pops up in our family genetically - skipping me but cursing my children. He tormented me and when drinking beat me. My parents turning a blind eye and calling me a drama queen.

I thought for most of my life that we were a good family. Upper middle class. All educated. But when I talk about what went down the horror on peoples faces change my mind.

I did see him. Spent five days watching the meds change, pushed him in a wheel chair and bought him pop and food when he could eat. Listened to stories and told stories. Spent time with other siblings, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles who all gathered to say goodbye.

And then he told me to fuck off.

So I did. I won't go back.

He has days. Maybe weeks.

It is so hard to reconcile the bright charming guy with a quick quip with the selfish alcoholic who would take a swing.

I know now that those early years led to my marrying someone just like him. Stuck in an endless loop.

I hate him. I love him. And soon he will be gone.

There will never be an admittance of guilt or a sorry or even an I love you. I am coming to terms with it. Accepting it. He is incapable. That is how it is.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate this community.

[Associate of Daniel]

I'm so sorry, Just Keep Trying.

PDs and addictions bring very complicated grief, both while the person is living and after they die.

Perhaps you could have a small ceremony by yourself in a way that feels right for you.

Either way, take time to grieve and look after yourself.

AOD 

[square]

[Adria]

I'm so sorry Just Keep Trying, 

[JenniferSmith]

Just wanted to say I feel for you - all those complex emotions and memories, its a lot to face at this time, the end of his life. Take good care of yourself. It sounds like you have tried your best, and that is something you can hold onto in the future. ((hugs))

[Blueberry Pancakes]

JustKeepTrying, I am so sorry. Sorry for the impending loss of a sibling and sorry for the dynamics.
   
Going through times like this is what I think brings new meaning to the term "complicated grief". While so much can be a universal experience many here appreciate, there is still so much that will be uniquely your own feelings. Your thoughts and your feelings are OK. You are OK. 
 
You have probably read similar to what I have in that finding closure amidst these dynamics and feeling reconciliation is sort of an inside job. Nobody will give it to us. It is through our own awareness and acceptance that we seem to reach a place of peace and comfort. 

It seems like you did and still are doing a great job with everything. Take care of yourself.   

[walking on broken glass]

I am really sorry, Just giving. Give yourself license to feel whatever it is you are feeling without censoring it or blocking it. I wish you peace.