Friend not wanting to talk

countrygirl · June 17, 2026, 12:14:11 PM

Hi,

Here I am with another weird friend problem. This one concerns a friend from high school. We had drifted apart, and she looked me up, sent a letter and I responded. We have continued to write over the years, and she constantly sends me texts, photographs of everything she's doing. But I can not get her to have a conversation!

She said that she was shy and reluctant, because she was not sure that she could be entertaining during a "long, rambling" conversation. But she asked when I was free to talk. Without going into it, I am simply not up to one more weird interaction with her.

I told her I hadn't meant to make her feel uncomfortable. But I did give her the time when I am generally free, telling her this did not mean I expected her to call, but that I did want to answer her question, in case she decided she would like to talk.

I talk to nearly everyone I know, and no one has complained that our conversations are "long and rambling."

My physical issues make traveling difficult, and if I am to ever talk to this friend again, it will be over the phone. Knowing that this is not going to happen is so depressing that I don't feel like continuing to email and text all of the time.

This is the second time I have suggested talking, the second time in a number of years. So that's it for me.

This person is very guarded, and I think she compartmentalizes her life and doesn't like it when "worlds collide."

I don't know what anyone can say to this, because it's a question of whether I want to continue to email and text, or whether I want to quite, because there is no depth to this friendship. I guess I will ask, "What would you do?" But, mainly, I am just venting. This reminds me of what Catothecat has said about having to work around someone else's way of having a friendship. If I want to continue this friendship, that is what I must do.

Rebel13 · June 17, 2026, 01:54:56 PM

Hi countrygirl,

I'm sorry you have another frustrating friend situation! Seems to crop up a lot. I'm glad we all have a space here where we can vent when we need to.

I will share that, for myself, I really dislike talking on the phone. It has absolutely nothing to do with the person on the other end and absolutely everything to do with my reliance on facial expression, movement, and other cues to enhance my understanding of what the other person is communicating. (And also the fact that my hearing is getting worse these days and I can't turn my phone's volume up loud enough to hear it well.)

I'm sure you know your friend and that your assessment about her desire for compartmentalization is accurate. But there might also be other additional obstacles that she's reluctant to mention, that don't have anything to do with her wanting to be in touch with you.

Call Me Cordelia · June 17, 2026, 02:05:59 PM

Hm. Is the interest two-way? You write she shares about what she's doing but does she seem to genuinely ask about your goings-on too?

You're right that it's completely up to you whether her way of being in a friendship works for you or not. I've begun reading a fiction book, The Correspondent, about a person who writes letters to lots of people but likewise doesn't talk much over the phone so it's kind of interesting this came up. If you'd like to keep your pen pal, that's cool, and if not, that's fine too. You might also decide that writing letters is fun but texting not so much.

Sometimes I wonder if texting what we're doing is just a step up from posting to social media, putting something out there in order to receive affirmation from out in the ether. But when it's via text, it can be an indirect demand for kudos. This depends on the relationship, clearly, because it's obviously not a bad thing to share with friends what's going on in one's life. But depending on the motivation and the level of mutuality, I can see something like that getting weird. Again, it's about how you feel. If you'd just don't care what this person's up to, that's fair and you can detach guilt free.

countrygirl · June 17, 2026, 04:13:08 PM

Hi Rebel13 and Call Me Cordelia,

And thank you for your replies. I simply have too many difficult friends! A friend with whom I've never had any issues calls this group of my friends "the psychosociables." Unfortunately, there is truth to that. As my therapist has said, I cut my teeth on difficult people, so I tolerate a lot.

Rebel13, I hear you, to to speak!, about not liking to talk on the phone. But if you hadn't seen someone in decades, and the only way you could have contact with them outside of texting and/or emailing, would you want to talk to them occasionally? That is all I'm asking for. I would prefer to meet in person, but that's not in the cards right now.

I think you make a valid point about texting, Call Me Cordelia. It does seem sometimes as if it's all about getting kudos. This friend nearly drives me crazy with it. And every time she posts a photo of herself with her husband, they are out hoisting beers. She's always tilting her head back so that you can't see the skin sagging. She has nothing to worry about, though, she still looks fine, and I wouldn't care if she didn't. It is hard to know what to say to all of these, though. "You guys look great." "Looks like you're having fun." "Hoist one for me." She also sends photos of her pets, other family members, etc. And when she is worried aobut something, she emails. Well, be that as it may, it would be nice to hear her voice.

Oh, to answer your question, Cordelia, she is interested in my life. It's not one-sided that way.

Well, I left the ball in her court regarding calling, so we shall see what happens. In the meantime, and I hesitate to say this, I had a worse issue crop up with a closer friend this afternoon, but I won't post two things in one day about difficult friends! And will wait to think more about the incident before brining it here. Yes, Rebel13, it is very nice to have this forum. I appreciate my friendships being taken seriously, because sometimes friendships aren't given their just due.

Catothecat · June 18, 2026, 08:01:58 AM

Unfortunately, I'm familiar with this friendship "style," countrygirl! I think you hit the nail when you said she seems to want to compartmentalize her life. I suspect this is exactly what she's doing and right now you're not "fitting in." I had a friend, someone I met in high school and was friends with for years after, who ghosted me after she got married. Since I moved to another state I didn't see her that often but would get together with her when I came in for a visit to my parents, also we kept in touch via letters and the phone (this was pre-internet). I had no idea she'd gotten married, had no idea what was going on because she stopped responding to my letters and I could never get her on the phone (she lived with her mom and stepfamily) so gave up trying. A few years later a mutual friend contacted me, after a prolonged absence, and told me the same thing happened to her. She was also ghosted and said it happened after this friend married. Seems after the marriage, this friend's lifestyle improved considerably, and I (as well as the other friend) no longer had a place in her new life.

Anyway along comes facebook, and I see she's on FB so I sent a friend request and she approved it. We then started exchanging messages and for awhile things were going well until--you guessed it--she stopped responding to my messages. She still posts on FB and it's always her and the husband she loves so much doing things like enjoying themselves at restaurants, pictures of her home and walking her dog in her golf course "community," etc. I strongly suspect she doesn't want people in her life who knew her "back when," except as FB admirers so I gave up on her. As you expressed it--the friendship had no depth. I can't even consider it a friendship these days, and while I was reluctant to give up, I did. I'm not going to chase after her although I suspect that's what she wants me to do and enjoys my doing it. But that's her pathology and I'm not playing her game. Good grief!

Adria · June 18, 2026, 09:39:19 AM

Countrygirl,

Two things come to mind with your friend. One, it seems after the Covid shutdowns, people no longer want to communicate by phone. It's like everyone's been programmed to send texts, emails, or facebook. I personally don't care for any of those ways of communicating. I prefer a nice friendly phone call. It seems more real and personal to me. So much can get misconstrued over texts and such, in my opinion.

The other thing is, it possibly sounds like she likes showing off her life to you, but doesn't care to take the time to really talk. Friendships that always keep you guessing, wondering why this or that, are so draining. I guess you will have to see if she will meet in the middle with a phone call once in awhile. Otherwise the aggravation might not be worth it. Hugs, Adria

In any case, if she's driving you nuts, it may be time to move along.

countrygirl · June 18, 2026, 11:15:18 AM

Hi Catothecat and Adria,

Thank you for your replies. It is so wonderful to be able to hear from others who understand, although it is too bad that all of us have had these relationships which allow us to understand so well.

Catothecat, As always, you paint a wonderfully vivid picture of what happened in your friendship. It must have been validating when the other friend shared her similar experience. And then she ghosted again on FB. Well, may she walk off happily into the sunset on a golf course--and then fall into a pond with a big gator. I am sorry, I couldn't help going there. The "golf community" reminds me of this friend, who lives in a gated community, within walking distance of a polo field. She actually put that in one of those I-love-me Christmas letters. It's like Mrs.Bucket on "Keeping up Appearances," who always brags about the sister who has room for a pony. That "room for a pony" is so brilliant.

Adria, I agree with you that many forms of contemporary communication seemto be based upon showing off rather than on having meaningful exchanges. I do think a phone call every twenty years would be nice! LOL! Yes, I think I will just have to wait and see if this friend can come through. If not, I am sick of having to reply to texts. Please, no more of them hoisting their beers. I don't even believe she ever drinks a beer, because she is so slender. I think they want to be seen as people who hoist beers, when they aren't on their way to walk past the polo field. Thank you for the hugs, Adria. Right back at you!

I hope that we all have better friends one day. One day soon, too!