Sibling Snakery

[nanotech]

Yes so I've a history with my GCbrother of being used as scapegoat when mum was dying. Since my dad had his terminal diagnosis a few weeks ago he's been looking for a chance to do it again,
Enter, Fathers Day.
After just wanting only my brother to visit on the day ( he has four adult children) for at least the last decade, as was my brother's wish, he suddenly asked for all four siblings to see him on the day.

The four sibling thing was my idea and I suggested it a year and a half ago, to extreme derision, accusations of being controlling, and finally, tantrums followed by silent treatment from the brother.

When dad suggested this change, I agreed straight away as it was the dying request of one of my parents. It would have meant cutting short our holiday by two days as I would need a rest day for my back condition before getting in a car again.But  it was fine.

Hubby even offered to make and  bring food for the day (chef) then leave us for sibs to have quality time with dad.

So we were all set to do that.

But dad couldn't get an OK from GC brother or GC sister. My older sis has just had an operation but said she would go if I went as she would feel safer with me there .My dad and other two siblings relentlessly scapegoat her too.

A day before we travelled my dad gave us his blessing not to return early as he still did not know if it was definite. He did so again later in the week.

 Mum I think was unBordeline and dad has narcissistic traits, as does my GC brother. Since mum died the mantle of family 'boss' was handed to the GC brother, even though mum realised in the last few days of her life about how two of her kids had been scapegoated, and I think also, her contribution to it. She totally saw the cruelty and unfairness.

During her last ten days, everything was fair. It  was incredible. It was a very bittersweet time. In the hospice my brother and dad had to behave.They had to respect us and understand that they were to have no special treatment. But after mum passed they went right back to the old patterns, putting my mum's change in behavior toward her older girls down to the illness and the meds.

The Father's day fiasco
Before we travelled,another family member began to pressure me. I told her that my dad had told me, no pressure, as 'nothing was definite'. What my dad meant was that my GCbrother wasn't on board.

But as soon as my GC brother decided yep, it was a party, then my dad did an almighty U turn.
During the week I was away, he rang me ten times with persuasive arguments about why I should come.

He knows my own health issues.

These are family who do not celebrate my important family milestones, making all sorts of weak excuses not to do so, and excusing themselves and each other in the process.

I told my bro in a calm message that if he hadn't failed to confirm for a week and a half, the day would have been sorted and I would have come back early. Plus I did not believe my older sis should travel at the moment as she was post op.

He ignored that message. That's when the phone calls from dad began. I didn't pick up on any of those. They continued until yesterday evening. Where we were on holiday is bad for signals anyway, another reason that things should have been in place before I left for my much needed holiday.


I don't know if my younger GC brother and enabling younger sis are just disorganised and lazy, or if it's been a power move to either be controlled by bro, or risk looking like a bad daughter. Younger sis went from saying she could not make it and offering a really weak reason, to saying oh yes definitely we should all go (she's scared of GC bro).

Post op sis has been to see dad separately with her daughter two days before, ( and her post op status!) acting as a shield.
This was told to me on a voicenote, followed by hoovering galore to get me to attend Sunday.
Lots of Fear Obligation and Guilt wrapped up in sweet sickly packages. No thank you.

So, my older sis isn't going today. She has managed to avoid GCbro. Good on her. So it wouldn't be a four sibling meet anyway, even if I went. But what GCbro is going to do is point out that I was the only one who didn't see him on or near his last Father's Day ever..
Ok. I can deal with that just fine. I'll see my dad when I decide to. He has a lovely card to open today, and he will receive a loving phone call later, when the circus has left.

It's ironic, but actually I'm full of a cold today. As my dad is in his nineties with terminal cancer,  not a good idea anyway to pass on germs. However, that will not later be given as a reason when I ring him later today.The cold won't be believed. Catching a summer cold is rare for me and could definitely be that my immune system has been lowered by all of this drama.

The other reason they would have liked me there is that my hubby, pre realisation about things, had a history of over functioning, and would often provide the food for parties.
So sorry, they'll have to do it.The number of times we've fed those people who continued to ignore our own blessings and celebrations, is through the roof.

[Rebel13]

Oh my goodness, why do these types of families have to make every holiday into a circus of disaster?!? I'm so sorry about all of this. It sounds like you have done GREAT setting boundaries, not getting whiplash from everyone else's last-minute change in plans, and doing what is right for you and your husband. I'm glad you got to have a holiday and I hope you could relax and enjoy it despite the drama swirling in the background.

[walking on broken glass]

Well done on handling this so well! I was hoping you wouldn't cave to the pressure and you would stay to enjoy your holidays. It's definitely some kind of game on your brother's part but you refused to play 👏

[nanotech]

Thanks Rebel and WOBG for the support.
The fun and games continue. Circus is the right term.
They can't seem to handle serious illness without the need to act out.