There's no will

[HeadAboveWater]

I'm back with another question related to my in-laws.

Last winter my FiL was critically ill: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=96966.msg819237#msg819237. Fortunately, he made a full recovery and is living independently at home.

When FiL was discharged from the hospital, my husband asked his parents to write wills and advance directives, and FiL agreed. FiL had even picked out a particular attorney for the task. We discovered this winter MiL is not competent under stress. (Perhaps she is never competent  .) Basic tasks, like changing a light bulb during her spouse's illness, flummoxed her. She has very confused by information that the doctors were trying to communicate and had conspiratorial beliefs, like that ventilators can hasten a patient's demise  . However, as his spouse, MiL has primary control over decisions related to FiL's health unless he expresses his interests in a living will/advance directive or assigns someone else medical power of attorney.

My husband has followed up with his father and asked if a will and other end-of-life documents had been written. They have not because MiL refuses to participate. It is not surprising that she would avoid anything she finds difficult, such as the thought of her own demise. Previously, my husband tried to make it clear that legal documentation is how she can communicate her final wishes. We have different beliefs about medical intervention and burial versus cremation and end-of-life celebrations/ceremonies. We made it clear that in the absence of direction from her we'll do things our way. She was horrified, but not so horrified as to be moved to action.

Is the answer here to give up and accept whatever happens? We do not have any expectations about an inheritance. But I don't want my husband to have to deal with probate and with his parents' hoarded house. Nor do I want to see siblings fight over the estate. I would also feel a lot  better knowing that financial provisions had been made for the care of my husband's disabled sibling. (This person is capable of living independently but never has due to MiL's infantilization.) We know that some money has been set aside for the disabled sibling, but we don't know how the savings are structured and if a family member is expected to be the trustee.

I am VVLC with my in-laws and have been tapering down my family involvement over the last decade (mostly since learning about boundaries here on Out of the FOG). All of the drama that has transpired since my FiL's illness has me contemplating going no contact. Is it worthwhile sending a last-ditch letter about how the lack of end-of-life planning is incredibly unfair to the surviving children and their spouses? (I would only send if my husband is comfortable.) I feel like there is nothing to lose. It also would explain things if I did go fully no contact. Or maybe this isn't my circus or my monkeys . 

My family members are not perfect, but we know that my parents and elderly relatives all have wills, where those wills are filed, and who the executors of the estates are. We also know who has the power to make medical decisions and what our relatives end-of-life wishes are. My sibling's MiL died in the past two years, and the FiL was awful through the whole thing. It was a protracted end where the MiL's interests and well-being were not protected. I'd like to avoid witnessing that myself, but maybe dropping the rope is the only way to do so.

[Liketheducks]

I'd say drop the rope.   Ultimately, you really don't have control over this.   Unfortunate as it is.   Radical acceptance, I think, is the way to go.   It may or may not be as bad as you imagine.   They may or may not step up and finalize documents....maybe she just needs more time.   

When this end happens, they may or may not have some plans in place.   It could all happen tomorrow.