Repeated questions: request for a script

[HeadAboveWater]

MiL has a habit of spamming my husband and me with the same question. As an example, she would repeatedly ask how long our (then perfectly healthy) dog was expected to live. As it was no secret that she didn't like the dog, this was particularly irritating and crass. However, her repetitious conversational topics are not limited to irritating questions. She also likes to start topics with "Remember when.." followed by some bit of nostalgia that is significant to her and no one else. We will hear the same reminiscence several times per year, and this is significant, given how infrequently we talk. My brother in-law was convinced dementia was in play, but the behavior has existed for more than 20 years and has not gotten more pronounced over time.

Recently, she is back to spamming us with a question. This time it is why we have chosen to make home improvements instead of just buying a new house. We have a thousand well-considered reasons for not moving--our commute, liking our current neighbors, the lack of affordable homes in our area, not wanting to start a new mortgage at a higher interest rate, preferring to customize the home to our tastes, etc. This week we received the question again. Rather than answer it factually, neither of us volunteered any information. Within 10 seconds of silence, MiL said something like "Oh, I know. You've told me it's because of x, y, z." Aha, she is aware of what she's doing!

I have no way of knowing what her motives are, nor do I particularly care at this point in my exhaustion with the behavior. What is a good script when someone repeatedly asks the same question? If I say, "Hmm, why do you ask--again? My answer has not changed," is that aggressive or appropriate?

[Rebel13]

Hi HeadAboveWater,

I read your other post about your difficulties with your in-laws and end-of-life planning. I'm sorry about that, and that this has been such an ongoing difficult relationship for a long time, it seems. I'm glad you're "dropping the rope" as and when it feels right for you, and making space and setting boundaries for yourself in the situation.

It seems like you have found one good solution already -- say nothing, and she answers the question herself! 

If the silence persists, one suggestion from the article on Medium Chill might be, calmly, "Why do you ask?" This might (MIGHT!) get her to reflect on why she keeps asking questions she actually knows the answer to.

I'd be curious to hear how this plays out, if you ever feel like sharing.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I think with, "My answer has not changed," it's all about the tone.

My late grandmother-in-law did this. She had a history of brain aneurysm so I had always assumed that was the reason and dealt with it patiently, but my DH says nope she's just always been like that. Got stuck in one subject and told the same anecdotes multiple times in a single visit, and keeps them going for years. She had about half a dozen topics she just cycled through endlessly. She never asked us questions, though, we were just the audience!

[1footouttadefog]

She is treating you like one of those toys that make animal sounds.  You pull the string and it plays a little sound, then you set it to another position and pull the string and it makes a different sound. 

She is not wanting a two way conversation, she wants to engaged with her, giving her attention. She pushes a button or pulls a string with a question and she gets attention.  Wash rinse repeat. 

I find nothing aggressive or rude about your answer. 

Another way to redirect would to jump topics by asking her what she cooked for dinner, or what was the best meal she after prepared etc.  what was the best dress or outfit she ever owned and why did she like it. 

[ChelseyTrombley]

My mother was just like this, would consistently ask the same questions in person/text. Part of me was thinking maybe she has a memory problem, but the other part of me feels like it's mainly her narcissistic behavior. Her complaint with me was always that I didn't want to include her in my life, but she never seemed to listen to anything that was important to me. For a while, I would just answer the same question and then it got to the point that I would just not answer back, but she would get upset and use the silent treatment until I reached out to her again to try to repair the situation.

[Adria]

It sounds to me like she's just bored and trying to stay relevant.  Obviously, she's not good at conversation or very creative in conversing to get your attention.  My kids are grown and gone, and sometimes, I feel like doing things like that out of just wanting some kind of conversation because they are so busy. However, I don't act on it. I check myself as to not be intrusive and be a PIA.  I don't know your history with her, but, she may just be commiserating because she has nothing else to do or think about it. 

[1footouttadefog]

Mercy! I was reminded of this thread after being trapped in the car with PdH alot of late

Same old stories.  Repeats.  He has been reliving the same 49 or 50 stories since 1972. 

He has no life other than getting people's attention so he can tell the same old stories.  He is like one of those animal sounds toys that they used to have where you pull a string.  There is a finite set of recordings that are replayed over and over but new ones are never added.