Is this a trauma response?

[Adria]

I've worked hard on myself and have done a lot of healing over the years.  I'm usually in a pretty good place.  However, I'm going back to my hometown for the summer. My beautiful hometown.  But, this is where all the narc abuse, lies, and shame took place - to the point of me moving across the country to escape it

We're going for a month.  Haven't been back for this amount of time ever, but for the first time in 20 years, dh wanted to go back for all the summer festivals, they are great! 

For the last two months, I've been a wreck.  The few times we've gone back, we had a wonderful time, but I still got queasy about two weeks before we left. We are leaving tomorrow. Finally, tomorrow. I know once I'm in the car, I will be fine. I know that once I'm there, I will have a nice time despite all the torrid memories.

Last night I was a complete disaster and today, I feel like I want to cry.  I asked dh awhile back if we could cancel, but he really wanted to go, so I acquiesced.  Like I said, I know I will have a fabulous time, because there are other quaint little towns to visit and many nice things to do and go see, but I don't think I can ever put myself through this kind of anguish ever again.  Maybe it's time to walk away forever.  It's hard because I've never felt like I've belonged anywhere in this world. We move every two years just because. I suppose I'm always looking for home. Every once in awhile I think it might be nice to go home, but it's like I start reliving the trauma for weeks before I get there . . . all the what ifs? Who might I run into and how will they act toward me? Why is someone giving me a dirty look at the restaurant, etc.?

I don't know why this happens. Maybe it is some sort of trauma response or PTSD.  I never feel this way any other time, and am proud to walk in my healing, but obviously there is something still there.

[xredshoesx]

@Adria

i completely understand - when I visit places in the past it can be super triggering for me too.  I find myself having the emotions NOW that it was not safe for me to have at the time in those places, THEN if that makes any sense.

one thing that i've also experienced is the loss of not being able to feel at home or safe in places where as a child, I should have been able to be safe and loved.  so maybe you are still in the grieving process for that too???  grief isn't linear and it pops up out of nowhere. it sounds like you have a good grasp on it and are moving forward as best as you can.

be gentle with yourself today.  it's a lot to go back and see the past.

[Adria]

Oh, xredshoesx,

Your post makes perfect sense, excellent points that I really hadn't thought of.  Maybe that's what's happening, that I'm feeling the emotions that I was never allowed or feared feeling when I lived there. Wow!  That is something to ponder. And, also, yes, the loss of not being able to feel at home or safe in places where I was a child. You put into words what I am most likely feeling subconsciously and haven't been able to understand why this keeps happening when I get ready to go there.

You said, "Grief isn't linear and it pops up out of nowhere." I guess in my mind, I think I should have dealt with that and be past that by now. But, maybe not, huh?

I think it's extra bad this time too because I found out my best friend that I've confided everything in has turned out to be a two faced flying monkey with my family. It breaks my heart to think that I have to walk away, and possibly face questions from the other women in the group.  I'm ready for it, but it just added one more facet to an already complicated and scarey situation.

I just got off the phone with my friend where I live now, and explained to her the way I was feeling, and she laughed at me and told me to quit worrying that it was a sin.  I know that, and if it were that easy for me, in this situation, I would quit worrying.  It's like my conscious mind knows that I will be okay once I'm there and have a good time (even my daughter told me that). She says, "Ya, just gotta get there mom, and you will be glad you went." I know that, but it's the beforehand that tares me up inside. It's like my subconciounce remembers everything and starts going into overdrive and I can't get away from myself.

I really appreciate your thoughtful and kind words.  You gave me something real to put into perspective so I'm not just floundering with no obtainable direction.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I feel like I can move forward today because of you my friend.  Hugs, Adria

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm the same way. Redshoes's response is great and I'll be thinking about that.

But for something to be a sin you have to be deliberately choosing to do it. Lest your friend's response add to your worries. As you say, if you could just stop worrying you would!

Yes, you remember what it was like and the part of you that remembers that doesn't necessarily connect that you are older and that time is over and done. The memories are still trauma memories, however long it's been chronologically. I hope this trip is a chance to heal some of that grief.

[xredshoesx]

i'm glad I could help <3

i'm at a point in my recovery where I no longer hide my snark from people I consider non trustworthy- @Adria when I read your update the first thing that came to my mind as a response was 'well it's a sin to abuse children too but here we are....'

another thing that helped me was finding a new place to go that had similar geography to where I grew up.  so I get the beauty without the baggage if that makes sense, and I get the chance to make good memories with my DH.... instead of being in that heightened state of worry about triggers.

[Associate of Daniel]

On a smaller scale, I have a similar response when I know I have to go to or near my Ds's old school.  It is directly opposite where his uNPD father and uNPD smother live(d), but it is also where she bailed me up one night after a school event.

The interaction with her on that night was not what I would call traumatic.  But I've had what a psychologist labelled a "trauma response" to it ever since.

I'd not hear of the separation of "trauma response" from "trauma" but I think, going by the above experience, it is possible.

I used to spend the week or so leading up to going to the school planning and rehearsing everything - where I'd park the car, which side of the building I'd walk on, which entrance to use, where various poles/shelves were to hide behind etc, and scripting responses to anything the smother might say.  I'd feel sick at the thought of going.  I'm so glad I no longer have to go to that school, or near their apartment.

All the best, Adria.  I hope the trip goes better than you expect and that it is healing for you.

AOD 

[NarcKiddo]

It sounds very much like a trauma response to me. Those with CPTSD would generally refer to it as an Emotional Flashback if you want to do any reading around that concept at some point in case it resonates. I'm glad you feel confident that once you start the journey you will be fine and you will enjoy the trip. Be gentle with yourself, though, and bear in mind that these reactions can be very draining. So you might not want to schedule anything very energetic in the first day or two.

[Adria]

I'm in the car on my phone going in and out of phone service. So I just want to thank everybody for coming on and posting with all of your wonderful thoughts and ideas. It really helped me get through this. We are on our way and I am feeling much better this morning. Get waves of terror every once in awhile, but for the most part I'm happy to go. Mostly because of all of your kind words and your thoughtful responses. You're the best. Hugs, Adria