OCPD NPD mother

[desertpine]

Yesterday was the first time seeing my parents in 7 years. We (my husband and I) met my mom for lunch then visited my dad at his assisted living apartment (he has Alzheimer's and heart failure). What really struck me was the nothingness, the lack of warmth and connection with my mom. It felt like there was a non-existence- akin to what I imagine Echo felt as Narcissis admired his reflection. She spoke at length for 3-4 hours about the wonderful place they found to live- and I found myself echoing back how amazing it was for them there.
She seems to have a combo of OCPD and NPD. It's no wonder I felt unloved as a kid.
After this visit, I'm thankful to have more self-compassion for my younger self.

[HeadAboveWater]

That sounds tough to observe. I can certainly see how such a visit would stir up strong feelings. Glad to hear you have greater compassion for your younger self. Wishing you well on the path to greater self acceptance and happiness.

[xredshoesx]

I hope some day I can get to this level of objectivity with my own stuff.  be gentle with yourself @desertpine- that's a lot to unpack after 7 years.  I am glad you had your DH with you as fortification.

[BSG311]

Just fully grasping that my mom is a covert narcissist and I am 54. Martyr, manipulative, controlling, even to this day. all of it. Could never say this aloud bc EVERYONE loves her. I mean everyone. Pillar of the community. All a big lie.  Mean to me 85% of my life.  Ruined my life. But she is elderly and I do not have the heart to abandon her. I used to think she deserved to be abandoned, but I realize she ended up like this becuase of what she endured. She did her best. Will never change. SHe will never get better.  I will never be free of it until she dies. I don't want her to die, and I am conflicted.  I just feel so cheated out of everything.  Literally everything.  SHe literally physically abused me every day from as far back as I can remember. I have a very clear memory of the first really bad beating. I was 3. I remember what I was wearing. I remember she cornered me on my bother's bottom bunk of his bed and pummled me in the corner and I fell asleep. I remember waking up crying. She also Yelled at me literally every day multiple times.  Never did anything fun or nice with me. Every activitiy was with a babysitter or one that she enjoyed and benefitted her.  Never for me. But lead me to believe it was all a sacrafice for me. Constantly controlled even my adult decisions. Meddled in everything. I could go on and on.  Was emotionally abusive. And I STILL am controlled by her. I cook for her, chat to her, I pay for EVERYTHING. It is nuts. She stole my life. All this is just a recent revelation. I always knew she was nuts, but now I have a name for it.  Narcissist. 

[Tribe16]

Just fully grasping that my mom is a covert narcissist and I am 54. Martyr, manipulative, controlling, even to this day. all of it. Could never say this aloud bc EVERYONE loves her. I mean everyone. Pillar of the community. All a big lie.  Mean to me 85% of my life.  Ruined my life. But she is elderly and I do not have the heart to abandon her. I used to think she deserved to be abandoned, but I realize she ended up like this becuase of what she endured. She did her best. Will never change. SHe will never get better.  I will never be free of it until she dies. I don't want her to die, and I am conflicted.  I just feel so cheated out of everything.  Literally everything.  SHe literally physically abused me every day from as far back as I can remember. I have a very clear memory of the first really bad beating. I was 3. I remember what I was wearing. I remember she cornered me on my bother's bottom bunk of his bed and pummled me in the corner and I fell asleep. I remember waking up crying. She also Yelled at me literally every day multiple times.  Never did anything fun or nice with me. Every activitiy was with a babysitter or one that she enjoyed and benefitted her.  Never for me. But lead me to believe it was all a sacrafice for me. Constantly controlled even my adult decisions. Meddled in everything. I could go on and on.  Was emotionally abusive. And I STILL am controlled by her. I cook for her, chat to her, I pay for EVERYTHING. It is nuts. She stole my life. All this is just a recent revelation. I always knew she was nuts, but now I have a name for it.  Narcissist. 

BSG,
It is painful to read what you have experienced. You are still young at 54 and no matter how you may feel at this moment you are not trapped and you do have choices to change the trajectory of your life that she cannot control. I'm glad you are here - we are cheering you on that you can take your life back and live it YOUR WAY. Keep posting, keep researching, keep planning and acting on your plans.

[BSG311]

Oh Wow. Thank you so much.  My brother and I have been saying there has to be a name for what is wrong with her. Her brothers are the same.  Our cousins say the same thing.  And for reference-I am a nurse practitioner for 25 years-I just was blind to it bc she is my mom. I never remember her ever taking us to the park or the pool or doing anything fun that we wanted to do. All about her and her needs. All the time. Put on a great show. Cannot operate any other way.  I tend to have a happy demeanor, but last night and today, I am sad. Not one to cry, but I cried a lot in the last 24 hours.  Today, I do not ever want to see her again.  Dk how this epiphany happened all of the sudden. I guess I just put it all together.  From probably age 3 til 25, she yelled and criticized me daily.  Physically beat me probably 5 out of 7 days a week from age 3 until I was about 12 or 13. There were days I got hit multiple times in the day. Always with a wooden spoon or by a wooden paddle. I thought every kid got hit but that it was only bad if you got hit in that face....that was a bad mom. Then she stopped beating and the controlling everything began when she could no longer beat me....even choosing my 1st husband and then blaming me for getting divorced! Sorry about the ramble.  Thank you for responding.  I cannot believe I am half way normal-good husband, good kids, productive member of society, good friends, financially very comfortable.  I am so grateful I am not in a gutter somwhere. So grateful to have found this page

[Can’tDARVOMe!]

I'm Gen X and my boomer "mother" seems to be a petulant narc. She is incapable of having a normal adult conversation and was violent and neglectful when I was growing up. She seems bipolar to me as well. I cut her off. Boomer "father" who I believe is a sociopath with NPD has "Alzheimer's" and is in some long term care facility. I have cut both of my "parents" off and I will never have contact with them again. They pushed me too far and I'm gone.