Reconnection After Narc Abuse

[CalmVector]

I have a question about how to reconnect with friends after a long period of withdrawal caused by an emotionally, psychologically abusive and coercively controlling home, where the method was to isolate.

I am a natural extravert and was able to integrate well with friend groups and was someone people enjoyed being around growing up. However it seemed like my parents envied that and continued to move me every time I would settle in the school. The reason being it was for a better school but the trend was always the same. It occurred whenever I started to develop close connections. 
 
Long story short it led to social anxiety and struggles in my later high schooling years despite my natural persona and being athletic as well. I was stuck giving off an impression of someone very reserved, all due to the extensive neglect I was enduring at home. 
 
This only got worse where it seemed my parents gained pleasure, with dominance over my life. I spent years in survival trying to recover and reconnect. After high school is when my natural personality came out and I started to make many friends, while still being isolated and struggling with shame. 
To many over the years, it likely looked like I intentionally withdrew or lost interest but that was not at all what was reality. It stings because the friends I withdrew from have broad networks and I missed the opportunity to grow with them. 

Now, I am in a much better place to connect with people despite years sticking to myself. I just feel unsure of how to approach it/explain the absence.

To some, they have distanced themselves too. It stings because it may appear like I abandoned them and wish I would just be understood somehow. My question now is how to approach it? Is it better to briefly explain why I disappeared or just reconnect casually and see how they respond? If casual is the way to go, what about with friends that have seemed to close the door. Can I not explain it to them?

[xredshoesx]

I feel for your situation as a former foster kid- being uprooted once you feel like you've made connections and friendships is tough.

I like your idea about just casually  reconnecting and seeing what happens.  i've been NC long enough that I don't feel like I have to explain myself to ANYONE who has closed doors- but that's more of an individual preference based on the unique factors that led to me being in the system.

let us know how it goes when you decide- 

[walking on broken glass]

Hi CalmVector, I am glad you are reclaiming that part of yourself that was highjacked from you. It's very important work!
Re. friends, I think it depends what kind of friends/how close you were. With a group of more casual friends, I don't think that lengthy explanations are truly necessary. You can try to reach out and see what happens. But if friendships were on a deeper level and people might have felt betrayed/abandoned when you withdrew, perhaps it makes sense to say a few things to explain. What feels more natural/best for you?

[CalmVector]

Hi xredshoesx and walking on broken glass,

Thank you for your responses.

Xredshoesx I deeply empathize with your experiences and can relate to the feeling. Although I was not a foster child, with the parents I had, I basically was, given how extreme the emotional and psychological disregard was. 

Regarding reaching out to others, so people that have closed doors or have been reciprocally distant, you just let it be?

walking on broken glass,there are many friends/acquaintances I pushed away despite wanting connection and despite them also. My fear of intimate connection and working through my traumatic upbringing keep me withdrawn for years missing so much time with people despite being a natural extrovert, and with so much connection I had been shut out of.

Its the biggest sting.

With regards to explaining. How can you if there are friends you were close with that now seemingly closed the door, as if you abandoned them, when really you were struggling through Entrapment. 

[xredshoesx]

i'm glad to be able to add perspective @CalmVector

I think my personality allows me to leave doors closed easier fwiw.  IRL it was said that I was standoffish in a work sense but I keep people at arm's length for very good reason.

case in point.  I do allow myself to Google obituaries once a year.  somehow in the googling I was able to find ME and my current info that tied me to my maiden name. 

I learned all about what my cousins, aunt/ uncle, half-brother/ex wife (and their current spouses) are doing as well as learning with three or four clicks, they could have found me too.  that told me it's best this door stays shut.

we are all victims of the same PD family lineage in one way or another, some more severe than others.  it also speaks volumes that the 'big secret' that came out around the time I went fully NC ripped thee entirefamily apart and for that I don;t feel bad one second for putting the truth out there.   they can keep doing them, and imma keep doing me.