My mum responded to my letter

[walking on broken glass]

So after months of silence, my mum replied to my final goodbye letter. She sent me a letter of her own. As you can imagine, it was filled with covert aggression, emotional manipulation and counter accusations.

She starts the letter with full emotional manipulation, saying she would have written earlier but she had 'eyesight problems'. (She has macular degeneration which has been stable for the past two years).

She said she was surprised and puzzled about the amount of resentment and anger I hold toward my sister. She claimed that either she lived in a parallel universe or I have been using my imagination to make up stories because this is not how she remembers things. I was such a happy child, and growing up I did have some problems with my sister, and yes she can be a bit 'difficult' but it was all so long ago and we now live in different continents and it's all good.

She glossed over the part of my letter about her insane accusations with one sentence. What I claim she said isn't true, and I know it (!) but I like to play the victim to get sympathy from other people (good amount of projection there).

She wrote that while I claim that she treated me badly while I was in a vulnerable position, having just lost my dad, I didn't stop to consider her own position, that she was ill and fighting for her life (and yet she was able to say these horrific things to me).

She wanted us to have a closer relationship, but I was distant and would 'shut myself in my room' when I went to visit. And when I called her and my dad, I 'yawned' (I would quite often call them after dinner on a Sunday and would be tired and might have been yawning; apparently it wasn't allowed and was weaponised against me) and I was in a rush to end the conversation. But had I asked her to, she would talk to me more, like she does with my sister. My sister calls her more, that's why she talks with her more — if I needed that from her, I should have just told her.

She even weaponised the memory of my deceased father against me, claiming that he was the one who was displeased with me being distant, and that he was saying to her about me and my partner that we don't care about them. She was defending us to him, apparently.

At the end of the letter she says 'you can still come to the holiday house, I won't bother you!' She doesn't seem to have grasped that this was goodbye from me, even though it was very clearly spelled out.

So no surprises. But I still found so chilling how cold, lacking in affection and calculated her letter was, almost as if she were writing a defence of herself before an invisible judge. No emotion whatsoever from a mum to her daughter who just laid her heart open and told her she was too hurt to be in touch with her anymore.

At least her response was another confirmation for my decision to go no contact.

[Rebel13]

Oh, I'm sorry. You sound like you are coping well, but still, that's gotta hurt. The reaction seems kind of classic to me. I especially like the parts where you were "making things up" because SHE didn't notice the same behaviors (maybe because your sister wasn't picking on HER?) and how she was hurt because you expressed a basic biological function (yawning). I mean, mightn't she have said, oh, wow, you seem tired, why don't I let you go, and we'll talk later when you're rested? But no, your yawning was clearly an intentional attempt to cause her pain. 

It's always nice when they confirm that our impressions of them were correct, and that getting away was the biggest relationship improvement we could hope for. I hope it's not too big of a downer.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Rebel.
I was shaken when I first read the letter. It's so full of condescension, hostility, and sarcasm. She signs off as 'the heartless mother'. I poured my heart out and it's like this is all a big joke to her. The hypocrisy is ridiculous too. I remember that she would actually say to me when I was yawning 'oh you must be tired, we shouldn't keep you' but she didn't mean any of that. She was just resentful and hiding behind niceties. Who knows how many other things she is resentful for; it must be a long list. She keeps saying how everyone knows she is so nice and discreet and 'always takes calls', which is kind of a weird brag, as if I had accused her that she didn't answer my calls. She cannot even entertain the thought that any attempt at connection could have come from her first, that she could have initiated. She probably feels that her mask has slipped and she has to repair the damage. In the end, she is more interested in saving face than connecting with her daughter.

[bloomie]

walking on broken glass - I am wondering if this letter, painful and dumbfounding as some of it has to be, a true final necessary ending and line in the sand?

I was reading about chasing people when they misunderstand us just recently as an outcome of having primary relationships during our forming years that don't even allow for us to be human or make mistakes. I see your mom's wording in certain ways as possible bait to clear the air or chase that illusive carrot of being seen and understood by someone who might be committed to not attempting to understand because the your experiences do not serve another's narrative.

As for speaking for your dad beyond this life... how are your processing that? I'm sorry your mom did that!!

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you Bloomie. You are so right about the urge to explain to people who wilfully misunderstand you. I often get dreams where I do that, I repeat myself, I shout and no one listens. This is just another hoop to jump (if only you didn't yawn, if you had told me you wanted to talk more etc.) So disingenuous!

The part about my dad hurt me the most. Our relationship was far from perfect but he was genuinely affectionate with me and my partner, and we did talk a lot more. I felt that my mum tried to tarnish our relationship just to defend herself. It makes my blood boil.

But you are right that this was a necessary final act in the drama. I hope the letter's effect will lessen with time. It's like poison that my system has to eject.

[Call Me Cordelia]

That's really hard, WOBG. Your mother has proven she takes zero responsibility for your relationship, and has no interest in anything like genuine connection with you. The weirdest part to me was you can still come to the holiday house. If there's no relationship, why on earth would you even want to go there?  But at least you have in writing that your mother knows the most egregious of her crazy accusations against you are false!

Once again I'm struck by the similarities between our experiences. Both my parents and my mother-in-law wrote letters like this, denying any wrongdoing whatsoever and passively aggressively blaming me for everything wrong to the point of being completely removed from reality. Taking tiny incidents from the past that meant very little to me and inflating them to capital offenses, like you yawning on the phone, and denying or minimizing major hurts so that I was the one holding a grudge for no reason! So many telling bits of projection, you are right. Heartless mother indeed!

Yes, defending themselves to an imaginary judge and holding their fragile ego together in that manner is more important than keeping a relationship with me and their grandchildren, or with you and your partner. You've seen behind the mask and that just is unbearable for the person with cluster B disorders. Admitting wrongdoing and putting themselves at the mercy of another is unthinkable, no matter the consequences. Rather the scapegoat must take all blame and shame and be driven into the wilderness. But inconveniently, and most wisely, you've already left.

Sad as it is, this might be the best resolution either of us will get. The family has the satisfaction of writing us off as the bad and crazy, and we get the blessed peace of being done with being treated so. I had an epiphany this week that grief and peace can and often do happen at the same time. This would be a great example of that.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you so much, Cordelia. I am so sorry that you had to experience the same finger-pointing, projection and denial. I love what you say about peace coming with grief.

[Liketheducks]

. In the end, she is more interested in saving face than connecting with her daughter.

WOBG....boy this stood out to me, particularly in most recent flying monkey interaction.   If they'd just take a fraction of the energy to actual try to connect....they wouldn't be in this situation.   I'm so sorry about the comments about your dad.   That's pretty low.   

I'm taking some solace in that this is all "normal" for my mom.   It is me who expects different somehow.   Hang in there.   Hugs to you.   And good for you not picking up the ball and continuing to play her game.