3 Months in with BPD, stay or go?

[Aqua]

Can you please share how it went / is going for you who are in a relationship with a pwBPD please? because I am all over the place.

I have to make the choice whether I can accept BPD, I worry that I will look back at this moment and think "why didn't I end it then, when I wasn't too deep, I have heard some horror stories about being drained to being a shell of the person they once was.
But I am already in deep, emotionally,
and feeling the tole of this relationship already.

Firstly, with the amount of time he wants from me, every time I try to set a boundary (I need time for my life) its gets flipped to "us not being on the same path"

Then there's the overreactions "me fluffing my hair when men walk past" or the "I have acted differently" - this one, I did go quiet, as he was moody, but now it has escalated to something massive. 

I could write loads, as I am sure some of you already have been through.

I really want to stay with him, because of course, there is that perfect, wonderful man in there... 

But I am torn between accepting this - using the tools to understand and make it work. Or to end it now.

Please help x

[Rebel13]

Hi Aqua,

I do not have this specific experience, but your story makes me think of a couple things I have picked up through reading etc.

1. I think it's the blogger Captain Awkward who suggests asking yourself the question, if this relationship were the same in one year, how would I feel? Five years? Ten years?
2. I think it's on the blog Chump Lady, maybe in the comments section, where people warn against "falling in love with potential."

I have been watching a lot of Richard Grannon lately. Many of his videos deal with dysfunctional and abusive relationships, often through the lens of narcissistic traits, but some of the concepts he discusses might be useful to you in thinking about your situation and what you want.

Wishing you the peace and love you deserve.

[escapingman]

Aqua, if you are questioning the relationship after 3 months do you not think you have the answer to your question? If you stay, things will go fast and you will be knee deep before you know it. You look back in a few years and wonder, WTF happened and how?

Good luck whatever you chose.

[BreatheDeep]

Hi Aqua, and Welcome! I'm so glad you found this forum.  No matter what you decide, there are a lot of great people and endless support here. I hope you'll stick around.

My take is that you have every right to want to protect your heart from the pain of a future break up, and every right to want to protect your peace right now. It's no wonder you're torn, this is a very consequential decision, and you know it! But the uncertainty of it all is driving you to distraction.

My concern for you and anyone else who notices that something is wrong with their relationship but struggles with the "stay or go decision" is that, until you can see the situation clearly, making a hasty decision doesn't necessarily solve the problem. If you rush and commit to staying, you risk living in a daily cycle of hope and despair. And if you break it off before you're sure, you risk a cycle of hoovering and going back. Or, you end up falling into the same type of relationship with someone else down the road.

Learning what your needs are, and how to speak up and stand up yourself, are skills that will help you for the rest of your life.

So maybe the first step could be to see if you can sit with the uncertainty of not knowing, not just yet. Treat yourself to some breathing room to really think things through, and use that time to methodically stress-test the relationship.

For example: If you're currently overlooking behaviors that you don't like, try to set and hold a boundary NOW. How did it feel to stand up for yourself with this person? How did they respond? 

Approach this project through the lens of curiosity. Remember, you're not making a decision yet; you're just collecting data. Try not to immediately start rationalizing it away if they do things that you didn't like. Don't make excuses for them. 

It also helps if you pay special attention to what actually happens more than what's said. People with personality disorders are absolute masters at controlling the narrative, often spinning things in a way that can leave you very confused. You've probably already noticed that, though, right?   

All the best to you!

[Aqua]

Thank you all for responding, it means a lot in such lonely times. He didn't take my request for space well lol but I will see how things go,

Rebel13,
Thank you, I will check out the suggestions, I was in an abusive relationships years ago, it nearly killed me.. I think he had NPD, so this is not the first time I have had to learn about these disordereds 
Being its early doors, its hard to tell as I would be happy if it stayed at this level... but, this might look fine compared to the devil I was once with, I worry about projecting and fearing the past, unfortunately, its time that will tell. 

escapingman,
Yes, this is true, my difficulty is that they say not every BPD person is the same, however, there are oceans of these stories all with similar ends.

BreatheDeep,
Thank you! great advice, I have stood up for myself, and will leave the rest to him.

So cruel these disorders, for everyone involved.

Much love x

[escapingman]

So cruel these disorders, for everyone involved.

Just remember one thing, despite having a disorder they decide to abuse you. They know right from wrong but they still decide to abuse you. They can keep it together if they want to, they often do when out and about but the lash out when back home behind closed doors. BPD or any other PD is never an excuse to abuse, don't accept the abuse just because you suspect a PD.

Please put yourself first and be safe.

[xredshoesx]

hey @Aqua welcome to the group-

I;m in the discard phase of a uPD person I had no choice to be around for 10 months.......but I'm not super broken up about it bc it is with a coworker I won't be sad to see go. 

if you decide to stay boundaries and radical acceptance of the situation may be key to your coping strategies.  if you haven't already, check out the committed board, Comitted to Working On It where members are actively supporting one another in staying in the relationship.

I second what rebel13 said about visualizing yourself in the future with this person- how will they handle a crisis?  what if you have kids together- are you going to have to take care of a child-like adult plus your children with them?

remember two things can be true - you can love someone and they can also not be the person for you.

[BreatheDeep]

Hi Aqua What you wrote about individuals with BPD not all being the same is definitely true, in my experience. This article backs that up: https://www.mcleanhospital.org/treatment/bpd-diagnosis

You also wrote: "So cruel these disorders, for everyone involved." I couldn't agree more.   

Your thoughts and feelings about this relationship are valid. Different things can be true at the same time, and there are a lot of moving parts. That's what makes it so hard for so many of us to figure out how to move forward as we travel along this journey.

I hope you're feeling less lonely today.

[BeebeLovesMochi]

Hi. I'm just now extricating myself from a 12 year relationship. With an undiagnosed PwBPd. I don't know how I lasted this long. It's because I only recently learned what BPd is. Also I grew up in a verbally abusive household so it was normalized for me.

I would not and will never do this again. I deserve someone mentally healthy. And so do you.
I nearly lost myself. And felt crazy and was isolated from friends and family. The desire for peace and consistency finally overrode my desire to hold onto the life I had with him. Peace to you whatever you choose. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

[1footouttadefog]

Borderline and Narcissism are other cluster B, lots of overlap.

You know what you experienced that nearly killed you. 

There is almost always a conflict between who we want them to be and who are are discovering that they are.  In so many stories, actually most I have read here over decades(?or nearly two) now, the emotions are over the attachment to the false image we have bought into regarding who they are. 

We the nons are part of the false person creation.  They create it based on who we wanted them to be.  As they interacted with them in the beginning they listened and built that personage.  Then we spend the whole relationship trying to keep that false presentation around when others would not tolerate the abuse and see the real for what it is.

I think you are fortunate to have seen reality at. 3 months in.  At least you can make decisions with that truth on board. 

[Abcd870]

I have been dealing with a someone with borderline personality disorder. We have dating on and off for three plus years. If you have ever been with a BPD you know why it's on and off, I married her the marriage I thought would help make it work instead it completely ruined it all. The best advice I can give you is this. Unless you want to live the rest of your life on and off like this you may want remove that person from your life. It will always be on repeat always every few months. Yes I divorced my BPD wife. I love(d) her but at some point you have to love yourself more than the lies cheating betrayal secrets manipulation. All of this truly changes who you are as well.  No I know not all BPD's are like this. I can say you know if they are and sometimes it takes time away from your BPD person to see what they are doing. You can love them and set them free. You only have one life why would you live it this way? I lived it and lived to regret it. Yes she can be the best person in the world during each honeymoon stage. Then days weeks months later it is that exact same loop. Put your foot down drop the circle of the bpd treatment and find your person the one that does not do the things I stated. This is just my opinion nothing more. I know the love I had for her as well. They are not just bad they are amazing as well. But you will always be punished mistreated unloved ghosted discarded and abandoned cheated on being with a borderline it's a vicious loop. All of this is their childhood and you will suffer from what their parents have done to them as a child. I wish you the best and I know that battle so deeply. I am very sorry.

[Aqua]

Thank you all so much for your responses and for telling me the experiences you've had.

Escapingman,
That is right, abuse is abuse, its harder to detect when its very subtle and by the time its escalated, you're already in too deep, I keep a secure electronic diary that I populate everyday, to help me reflect clearly. But I agree, PD should not excuse abuse. 

xredshoesx,
Yes, the future is worrying, although neither of us can have kids, but big things still happen and if I am opening myself up to love and be loved, then I need them to be there when it matters.

BreatheDeep,
yes, knowing its on a scale, everyone and every situation is different, really does make it hard to decide but today I do feel less lonely, thank you.

BeebeLovesMochi,
I am sorry to hear this,
have you now ended your 12 year relationship?
Its certainly an eye opener when you first hear of Narcs, Borderlines, etc. its a whole new world but I found it helps us to recognise devil in peoples spirts - peace to you too

1footouttadefog,
I know you are right,
sure, I wanted to believe otherwise, but as it has been quoted before "its the lies we tell ourselves, that do the most damage"
I wasn't sure how much / or if BPD and NPD overlapped - as he is so very different to the NPD, I thought I should give it a try but I am accepting that its not going to work out.

Abcd870,
Thank you, I am also very sorry to hear how deep this battle is for you too and I appreciate what you've shared.
I'm sorry you've been through this, marriage and 3 years adds a lot more depth to it all.
Things like lies and cheating are only something I fear because of the literature on PD's, not something I have experienced (this time, or yet )
but we fell out a couple of days ago and its already becoming a push / pull dynamic.
Because he is quite aware of his BPD and how heightened romantic emotions mess his head, I thought this clarity would have been enough for us to work on it, but that clarity vanishes in the moment.


The first time this happened, I was distraught, becoming desperate, I needed him to understand, to see he judged me wrong - but this time, I feel a sense of acceptance (I really hope this feeling stays lol) see, my boundaries have falling, I'm losing touch with who I am, dulling myself and giving my light to him, to help, to build him up, so to then be ignored, I just cant sustain this, its like my feelings are irrelevant. 

He hasn't read the message I sent yesterday, and I don't think he will even respond to it, initially, I wanted to send more, but I have decided not to.

What have I learnt - that despite what I have been through, my boundaries are shit, and I am too much of a people pleaser 

Again, thank you to every single one of you for your replies, much love X

[MaxedOut]

Aqua, good to see an update. You have been so insightful about all of this. I will share that I had a moment a few months in where I made an explicit decision to stay in the relationship with my ex.

There really were none of the clear abusive factors or even BPD traits showing up at that point much. It was more about an unusual level of self-depricating language and clearly distorted filter (and physical intimacy being "off" and communication being hard at times).

The point being, what most of us experienced in the first months or years was relatively minor and often not the sort of volatile, boundary crossing, abusive things that came later. Sometimes, like my ex, they were masking pretty heavily. With my ex there was the somewhat typical escalations with milestones of entwinement (moving in, engagement, marriage, etc.) and a big increase/change from health issues she had that limited functioning (shame trigger).

I am glad you are really thinking critically and observing things now. I quit drinking a few years ago and there is a common saying used when it comes to thinking about feeling a craving or lifting a glass or trying to moderate: play the tape forward. I think it applies here; things typically worsen from the early honeymoon period with someone who has a PD.

There are things like better boundaries, conditions, etc. but moving forward clear-eyed means acceptance for the likelihood that whatever you are feeling now and whatever is happening now will intensify not mellow. So whatever measures may make it worth it now will l8ely look like a downpayment for what it takes later.