Exhausted

[dodger32]

I don't know who is going to read this or who is going to care, but I just have to say it. I believe I'm trapped in a toxic marriage.

In hindsight, I wish I had seen the signs. High stress in difficult situations. Bottled up anger exploded in unpredictable ways, like road rage. An only child of a dysfunctional family with divorced parents, where her mother worked two jobs to show the effort of hard work, but perhaps as a way to avoid parenting. A father who rarely showed any presence or love.  But in her youth, free from real adult responsibility, she showed love toward me and I, still young and immature, never considered who might be a right fit for me and saw myself as someone who could help her.

You never really know a person until the relationship is stress tested. Before kids, she did not know how to live by the "don't sweat the small stuff" mantra. Every decision was scrutinized as if it were life altering. But I helped her through a lot of that because they were easy decisions. I felt valued. She wanted a masters degree, in hindsight, I think it was for show. She has not worked one day in our 20+ year marriage. Now, I am the first to admit that taking care of kids is work.  I don't regret at all that I was able to have a job that allowed her to stay at home and be a present mother for our children.

Our first child was not easy, but we got through it - together. I feel like I did more than my fair share as a dad and I am proud of that. But after the second child, the difficulty level shot up. To the point where I couldn't solve it. I couldn't be present as a father for two children day and night and have a full-time job. And that is when my role shifted from helper, provider, partner to target.

The last 12 years of my marriage have been very, very difficult. I would seek out time together or intimacy, but was quickly shut down. I began to recognize a pattern of blame and punishment followed by me accepting the guilt. Her challenges in life began to be deposited into me and I absorbed every one of them. Just throw it on the barbell, I can carry it. But soon the punishment turned to spurning. No date nights. Trashing things that I enjoy. Intimacy gone. I haven't had a real hug or kiss  in 10 years.

How did I react? I've never been in this position before, there is no manual. I initially tried to reach out. Surprise gifts. Making breakfast in the morning for kids. I hired a housekeeper to help with the house cleaning. Always ensure that I accompany her on family visits . But eventually, the rejection took a toll and I withdrew. She doubled down. The punishment got worse. It went from not wanting to be in the same bed to not wanting to be in the same room. I go in the kitchen, she leaves the kitchen. I go outside, she draws the shades so she doesn't have to see me. I tell her, I'm here for you. Let's work on this.

Being a dad for my kids? I double up. I volunteer at their schools, I go to lunch with them, I arrange playdates, help them with their homework, coach their sports teams, take them on special trips after absorbing significant friction. My kids become closer to me, because they don't see her stepping up. I thought that she would love that I am so dedicated and change her mind about me. But, it has the opposite effect. She starts to depend on me for everything kid-related - stonewalling me when I have to go on work trips.

I start diverting energy away from the marriage into myself. I become stronger, run marathons, bike centuries, race mountain bikes. My career takes off - I find something I'm good at and am now one of the best in the field. Is she impressed? Hardly. How dare I be happy when she is miserable?

She complains about everything. I'm not doing enough. I'm doing too much. Criticisms bounce off me and directly onto the large weight sitting on my shoulders. I am strong. She needs me. The kids need me. I have to stay strong. The criticism shifts from me to inanimate objects: our house. We deserve a new house. This place is falling apart. I don't disagree. In fact, I've been saving money for 15 years, waiting for just this moment.

How hard is it to buy a house in a growing city? Hard. incredibly hard. Every house I showed to her, she dismisses coldly. I realize that it's going to have to be her idea. She would never accept anything that I propose. Punishment continues. They say a successful marriage needs an 80% positive comment rate. I'm running at 99% negative.

A house comes on the market. She loves it, but immediately goes into blame mode. Blaming the realtor. Blaming the sellers. Saying it's not fair that it's going to be a bidding war. Guess what? I I went into action. Put forth the money I've saved for 15 years. Tell her we don't need to sell our house now, we can wait. Anything to make this as seamless as possible. I get the financing. I work with our realtor, put forth a strong offer. Preparing for heartbreak but willing to absorb the blowback if we lose. But we win the house.

I'm immediately optimistic. I'm glowing. I've given my family a fresh start. It's the best change I've felt about in years. Sensing my happiness, she flips. Now she starts talking down the house. It's outdated. It needs work. What I really wanted is a new house. I guess we'll never have a new house. But I want a brand new house in our older neighborhood. Basically, I want the impossible. The stonewalling starts. Refusing to discuss the house. Refusing to pack.

I'm destroyed. All this weight I've been carrying. All the negativity thrown my way. I finally feel like I've done something that could change the course of the marriage. I'm willing to sacrifice retirement for a few years. I am willing to buy new furniture, let her make the changes she wants. And it's not enough.  Now every time I get excited about the house, she is sure to knock me back down. The punishment will continue. For the first time, I feel like I can't carry this negative weight. I want to check out. But I can't. She has no one else. My kids need me, they need a strong father. My employer needs me, I am critical. All I want is to have a partner in life and instead I have a never-ending power struggle that I want no part of. I can get through this, but it's going to be tough. Thanks for listening.

[MaxedOut]

You have been through so much and tried so hard Dodger. A lot of your story sounds familiar to my marriage, though we never had kids - which is such a complicating factor in these relationships.

I too just kept adding to the barbell. When I was still married my therapist said something that caught me totally off-guard on session (btw if you don't have an individual therapist, please consider getting one). I was talking about some recent challenges my ex was facing (and the amped up negative behaviors but how she was having to deal with changing psych meds or something). When I paused, she said "What would you say if you weren't always trying to be so strong?"

It took having health issues, being deeply exhausted, facing a lot of abuse, and having my nervous system wrecked before ai thought about taking some of the weights off the barbell (and eventually setting it back in the rack).

What helped me start to pull some of the weights off and get the load to something more manageable is a realization you sound on the verge of really getting: trying hard or trying different or taking on more usually doesn't make a difference (sometimes makes things worse). You are seeing this part from several of the sentences you write.

The good news is also that it doesn't matter. By that I mean, you can lighten the load and make more decisions for you. Will she be upset? Will she say mean things and accuse you of stuff? Yes.

but she also you have if you keep trying with all your might to avoid that and to have her see you, see how hard you are trying. It's just a different script. So you can create some boundaries, carve out some space for you. You can't make her change or make her view you accurately, etc. But you can decide you need to make a life that works for you, that is not going to drive you into the ground. This is especially important is you stay in the marriage.

There are a lot of good ideas and resources in the toolbox and good books like Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, Stop Walking on Eggshells. Should I Stay or Should I Go, etc.

[BreatheDeep]

Hi Dodger32 I feel your pain. Here's some first aid for you: have you tried flipping the script? When the blaming starts, reply with something like, "OK. So what's your proposal?" (said with genuine curiosity, if you can manage it).

This is first aid for you, by the way; not for her. She's not likely to be happy with that question. But if you've been explaining or placating or justifying or trying to reason with her or anything similar, do you notice how that keeps the burden on you. As if everything is your responsibility. But she's the one who isn't happy, she's the one that wants this that and the other. Where is it written that you alone have to meet her needs and ignore your own?

So even if you decide not to actually speak the words, whenever the complaining and the blaming start up, just imagine asking her what she's willing to do about [X].

Hopefully, framing it that way will help calm your nervous system and let your thoughts clear.
Because you gotta know, you were not put on this earth to solve every single problem!

all the best to you

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @dodger32

i'm glad you found us.  one of the things I learned from my ex is we were both like children/ immature when we started dating and only one of us grew up in the 7 years we were together.   from your description I imagine it may feel similar for you- that you are married with two children but are responsible for the caretaking and decisions for three people who can't/won't/ don't participate with the process in the capacity that one of them, who is a whole adult, should be able to do. I support what maxed out said, having someone to talk to for YOU so you can take the weight off and get some support IRL as well as here is an investment in YOU.  if your wife is upset with it, the suggestion could be like breathedeep said and flip the script and see if she would be willing to do joint counseling  with you.....

it took me about two years to work through the complex issues that included family history of being made into a doormat for a multi generational PD lineage as well as with the issues I had with my ex (including strong DV episodes) to be able to get myself to a point where I was living without the voices of disordered people in my head despite them being out of my life.  i'm just past 19 years free and almost 17 years into a healthy adult relationship with a loving, supportive and willing to work on stuff spouse.  you are just starting to come Out of the FOG and baby steps can help you get through this.  leaving may not be an option with your kids, however we need to get you to a point where you aren't existing in survival mode daily.  we do have a strong, supportive group of people who are staying with a PD partner and actively working on improving themselves and their relationships/ responses to the uPD/PD in their lives. 

Comitted to Working On It

we're listening when you are ready to share more

[square]

Hi Dodger,

I've experienced parts of this. This is how I've come to see this dynamic.

At first, you're idealized. You solve problems, you make them feel good. They think, "finally, I have 'my person,' who will love and protect me at all times and make me feel good at all times." A lot of good feelings flow between you.

But over time, it becomes apparent that you are a separate person. You may be a very loving, helpful, capable partner, but you have your own needs, you have your own priorities. There can be misunderstandings. There can be unreasonable demands of you that you push back on (or "fail to meet," from their perspective). You stop completely filling the emotional void.

At first they might return to idealization after the conflict blows over, and tell themselves that you are still perfect and it was just a misunderstanding or something. But after a while, they start to feel betrayed. They realize that you aren't going to fill their emotional void 100% all the time. You aren't what they thought you were - because they thought something impossible, but they don't understand that. They see things in black and white, at first you were the All Good Savior, but if you fall short, then you become Completely Evil.

It's not just disappointment, it feels like betrayal to them. Now instead of Idealization, it's Devaluation.

They don't seek to improve the relationship because they only see how YOU fell short for THEM. And because that feels like betrayal for them, and their emotional void is so great and so relentless, instead of thinking "how can we improveme this relationship" they begin a campaign to punish you.

Because how dare you feel okay when they are miserable? How dare you go off to work and leave them sitting there feeling like that? How dare you get a promotion? How dare you meet goals at the gym? How dare you go around feeling calm and fine and not wanting to break open at all times? You betrayed them and you must be punished. Gravely. You'll never get enough punishment, the wrong will never be righted, the injury was just too great.

So you get punished. The cold stares. The blame. The anger. Being shut out. Being ignored. You are utterly without value, you are hated.

So you try to help fix things. Date nights. Flowers. Do the dishes. Go to bat to get the dream home. And somehow, that makes her MORE angry?

That's because she is not trying to heal the relationship. She just wants to punish you forever, that's it. She feels betrayed, nothing will convince her that you are safe ever again, because you are indeed a separate person and you don't exist solely to serve her void. That ship has sailed, so the only path forward is to make you so miserable that you might feel one tenth of what she feels. That's the only way of balancing the scales in her mind. The ONLY way.

So when you do the stuff that you hoped would help, like getting her dream house, that makes her MORE angry because you've taken away her justification. If she can tell herself how disappointing you are, how you fell short in all these ways, how horrible you are, it helps her cope. It makes sense in her mind why she is so miserable. After all, you came home late, you left a coffee cup in the living room, and the house is a dump. Lots of things to feel justified about.

But here you come along and give her the house she wanted. What is she supposed to do with that, now? You still betrayed her, she'll never trust you again, she'll never feel the way she felt with you in the beginning. But now you're making it hard to justify her feelings.

So she has to fix that inside herself, and instead of doing something sane like re-examining her thought patterns or working on the marriage, she'll figure out a way that you still fell short. Maybe she asked for that house but on second thought it's a terrible house. She'll never get the house she deserves. So now she is safely and comfortably back in victimhood and misery, and you're comfortably to blame.

Some of this is feelings -> facts. "I feel bad, so you must have caused it." Sometimes they have to look for the "cause" because it's not obvious (and the reason it isn't obvious is because it doesn't exist). But they can look for it and then find it somewhere.

[MaxedOut]

Oof, Square, getting at the heart of things.

This is definitely what I saw with my ex (towards me and others).

It reminds me... Dodger, you may want to explore the Karpman Drama Triangle (a great framework introduced to me here by SonOfThunder). It is very common and extra intense among those with personality disorder traits and easy to fall into when in relationship with someone who has a PD.

It conceptualizes archetypal roles of victim, rescuer, and persecutor that people shift between (and often have a default tendency towards). While we can't make someone else stop playing these roles off, we can stop feeding into it by taking on the roles ourselves-like rescuer. Even when the rescuing does not get morphed in ways Square mentions it's not a healthy dynamic.

[dodger32]

I feel like a load has been lifted from your responses and acknowledgement. I tried therapy once and I couldn't explain it well enough, and the response was "you need to listen to your wife". It's hard to listen to her, when she is just constantly punishing me and then if I get upset, she stonewalls.

I have known for some time that she had had issues but I felt I could always be there to help her. At one point, I even thought that God had put me on Earth to suffer for her.

The house situation, however, blew this wide open, which suggested to me that a) she has created a situation where I am permanently the problem, and she will never let me escape it and b) this is just not normal. To ask for a mountain, get a mountain and then decide the mountain isn't big or beautiful enough.

I have been keeping notes on my phone for years about situations where I am "in trouble" with her for so many things just to have somewhere to vent, even if to myself. I just now, however, started reading more about this dynamic, and here I am.


I cannot thank you all enough.