A rambleduction

[x90]

I have been bouncing around writing an introduction awhile, lurking the forum, and had really just planned to skip it. There is so much right now and I just want to get something out, maybe the dam will break. Looking at others posts, these all seem so small - I am apt to write books, so I will try to keep it short.

Very recently divorced out of a long term marriage, with school age children, to a partner with covert malignant behavior. I married right into that relationship out of school and living with my father, who I also recently realized expresses communal narcissistic behavior, malignant bordering on almost psychopathic at times. Looking back now, I can see his journey into getting old and collapse, and he now expresses more covertly. I thought my mother was more of a victim and bystander, but have also come to see her behavior in that same light. While I have known there were shitty parents, I did not understand the level of their emotional immaturity. I also blamed myself for many things in the family as well, living in the scapegoat narrative. The rest of my family showed me they would rather keep their heads in shit covered sand than stand tall with me.

In the last year, I have initiated the divorce against my abusive partner, faced co-abuse by a couples therapist, started no contact with my entire family after a horrible holiday post initial separation, moved out of the house into my own home for the first time ever, and have completely turned my life upside down. I started with zero support, no friends, complete isolation from any systems I could utilize. The amount of grief and loneliness is immense. Which is ironic, because I see that all I ever had was the fantasy of these things; but that does not seem to make it better.

As time goes on here, now living on my own and not facing constant abuse, I can feel the walls slowly start to be taken down. This just seems to bring in more hurt - but also anger. Something I was taught to hide, that was wrong, unjustified - in order to keep the balance of the system. I have finally started to not feel so raw, scared and untrusting of everything. I am also doing things to help get me to where I need to be, support meetings, therapy, and trying to step outside of my comfort zone - which is a rather small place to be.

Anyway, I could go on, but in light of the negative, as part of my journey I am hoping to find here: community, guidance, people who understand and don't minimize, understanding, and internal acceptance.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @x90

you have every right to be angry and it's very hard to be the one that breaks the cycle of lies.  i'm in a similar position with my birth family, but 30+ years NC now, so I have some distance from those first terrifying days when the safety net was truly non-existent. 

two things I live by- the decisions I made are the right ones and my worst day alone was still better than the best day my biological mother was a part of my life. since i've hit middle age, I too have stopped putting my dad in a similar victim role and felt more comfortable questing his lack of action to be responsible for his children.

it gets better.  it's hard and raw and stings like peeling and onion, but it gets better.  one baby step at a time.

[IsleOfSong]

Welcome, x90. Sounds like you have a good amount of clarity about your situation, the pain notwithstanding. This is a good community — you're definitely in the right place. Keep posting.