Momo and the time thieves

[Deborah]

This one is radically different, in that it doesn't speak about abuse. But it is important in my recovery. I read it in my teens, so ages ago. But it stuck with me. I may remember wrong, but this is what stuck in my mind.

Momo is a little girl who can listen well. She has genuine attention to people. She is a vagabound and moves into a small village. The children and adults alike love her. And come visit her. The people are happy. They spend a lot of time living a slow-paced life. They drink coffee. They talk. They care for each other. They do their work well and with peace.

Then the time thieves come and convince people to save time. People have to be efficient. Don't make time for a nice talk with your client. Don't spend time day-dreaming. Don't visit your elderly mother. Don't walk in the park. Don't care for your children, bring them to the daycare. Save up all your time by rushing as much as you can...to have a good life later...if at least the time thieves want to give back your save time... ?

People become highly efficient. But everything that was their true life...the humanity they had for each other...the love and calmth with which they did their jobs...the time to play and listen...is cut out. Momo tries to beat the time thieves...and get her old friends back...

Not sure I remembered well. But I think part of the reason so many fall for npd/aspd people...and then receive so little help...is that none of us have time to reflect, time to listen, time to pay real attention to each other. We're rushed through life. Without genuine awareness to what we are doing. And who we are with. I think genuine slowing down and genuine attention to what we are doing in our daily lives is a key to recovery.

What do you think?


Here is a little more about the book
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Momo_(novel)

[countrygirl]

This sounds like a great book, Deborah.  I'm going to look for it.

And I agree that we should make time to reflect about everything. And certainly trying to untangle what we've been through and what we need to do to recover from it is at the top of the list. 

It often feels as if people must fill up every second of their day with something, and often with several things at once.  Last night, I was talking with a friend when I suddenly noticed that she had conflated two things I'd told her.  I asked her if she was "drifting," or whether was doing something else  Turned out she'd had some trouble sending messages, and was trying to figure out what was going on with that.  Then I remembered how this had happened a couple of times lately.  In fact, I was starting to wonder what was going on with this friend, whether she was having memory problems.  Now I know she just wasn't paying attention!  She wasn't making time for me.  Yet she wants to talk to me frequently.

The next time this happens, I am going to say, "Seems as if you have something else to do, so let's wait and talk when you have more time."

I also think that using the internet constantly has made people in general very impatient.  We're so accustomed to instant answers that we don't want to take the time to put thought into things.  We're running around like caffeinated squirrels!

[Deborah]

I absolutely agree with you.

I think it is good to give this back - gently but directly - to your friend. As to not breed resentment.

I also agree with the internet story. I was offline for half a year. Half the people were joyfully surprised: that is so cool, I wish I could do that. Half the people were annoyed: you are crazy! I myself found deep relaxation. It brought me so much peace of mind. I now have no smartphone. Just a dumb phone, that I often leave at home even. When I am on the internet, I need to sit behind my computer and it contaminates my life less.

I was once rejected for a week as a holiday carer for disabled children. I was doing better at that moment. Someone I work with recommended it because she saw me as fit for the job. One of the things that made me good at this job, and I was complimented with, was giving genuine attention to whom I was with. At that exact time. But the manager was annoyed that I did not answer his messages rapidly enough. Which is part of the deal: either I am with the people I am with. Or I am constantly replying to everyone in an instant. I cannot do both at the same time...because replying in an instant...also takes attention away from the person I am with while e-mailing/calling/texting. I like to not mix up the two. Not liking that? That is his choice. It is okay. But he drew farfetched conclusions...I do not trust we will have a good time here, because you do not reply quickly to my messages, etc etc... His holiday park advertises with: all are welcome as they are. And I thought: really though? I was answering... just took 1-2 days... because I am not available 24/7.

I first looked cricitally at myself: sure, I have issues. Chronic stress made me less efficient. Then I thought: hold it, who are you to judge me like that. This is a conscious choice I make. Maybe just ask why I am not responding so quickly? Maybe understand not everyone is responding instantly? Maybe just say you do not agree with that, rather than send a whole host of judgements?

[Deborah]

Oh it is by the writer of A never-ending story. Michael Ende. Maybe that is better known. It's in German originally.

[countrygirl]

Hi Deborah,

The manager did not give you a chance to explain.  He did not take the time to consider why you might not be replying as quickly as HE wanted.  He didn't think that maybe his expectations were at fault.  To me ,it seems as if his ego was hurt because you did not reply instantaneously.

You would think that someone who was working with disabled children would be more open to differences in style, would be more empathetic toward his employees.

Thank you for your advice regarding my friend.  True confessions:  She did the very same thing when we spoke last night.  I had just told her something, which she seemed to take in.  However, not more than two minutes afterward, she told me the exact thing.  This involved telling me some figures which I had just given her!  In fact, before she told me, she said, "Would you like to know?" I said, "Well, I already know, because I just told you!

She seemed surprised that she'd done that, but I wasn't. I didn't get into it last night, because I was tired.  But clearly, we will have to discuss it. What a pain, but I can't just "take it." 

Thank you for giving me the author's name. As soon as I post this, I'm heading to amazon. I'm always looking for things to read.  A good book is like having a conversation, one in which you can take your time!   

Certainly people seem to make snap judgements now more than they did before.  A psychological study on this would prove interesting. 

[Deborah]

Hey. Yeah, it was a bit strange. He could have asked. Especially when working with disabled children. I do feel everyone is stressed and traumatized these days. And being judgemental. Me as well, sometimes.

As for your friends: does she have adhd or trauma? When I was more dissociated, I sometimes did what you describe in your last post from your friend. It was - in my case - not disinterest. But dissociation. I had moments my attention shifted to my trauma and I did not actively hear what someone said. But I did somehow take it in. I think gently discussing it would be a good idea...without filling in the reason. There might be a good reason, like adhd or ptsd? When I became aware of it, I learned to tell people and tell them it was not disinterest, but my ptsd. If there's a reason like that, she may be able to explain, after you made her aware what it does to you.

[Deborah]

Wanted to add: it's still difficult on the receiving end. Just wanted to give a possible explanation. Years ago, I did what your friend did when in a very stressful situation. It was dissociation for me. When my friend said it a few times, and felt ignored, I could tenderly explain to her that she was dear to me. And I wanted to hear what she said. But I was at that point so stuck in trauma, that sometimes a memory would overwhelm me in the midst of conversation. That it had nothing to do with my care for her. I think that helped her somewhat.

There may be all sorts of reasons...bad ones like disinterest or doing other things too. I'd really suggest you talk it out with kindness. Maybe she is not interested and being careless. Or maybe she has a reason like mine, which may also comfort you...because it has nothing to do with you not being important to her. It seems like a good idea to talk.

[countrygirl]

Hi Deborah,

Thank you for your compassionate post, compassionate both toward me and my friend.  I am sure you were very kind to your friend when you explained why you were not completely focused on her.  I admire you for speaking openly to her.

My friend is "just" not focused sometimes.  And sometimes is okay, but this has been happening too frequently. The very next time this occurs, I will speak to her. She's someone who lives in her head most of the time, and that can cause these lapses, I think. She forgets that she's dealing with a person, and not a device.  In fact, sometimes I joke to other friends that I feel as if she'd like to switch the channel.   

In thinking about "time thieves," it strikes me that our families of origin, and others, have stolen time from us, don't you think?  The other day, I was thinking about how much of my life I spent just trying to survive my mother.  And even after you're no longer in the childhood home, you continue to spend time trying to overcome what happened there, and trying to tear down the defense mechanisms you put up in order to survive.   

I looked for Momo on Amazon after I posted here yesterday.  Couldn't find a Kindle edition in English, nor could I get if from the library for my Kindle.  So, at some point, I will buy it in hardback.  Thank you again for mentioning it.

[Deborah]

"In fact, sometimes I joke to other friends that I feel as if she'd like to switch the channel."   

Haha oh dear. That made me laugh, sorry. I can imagine it is hurtful, if there is no good reason, or not one explained. I have dealt with people who treated me as devices. And it's just...hurtful...confusing. Please do bring it up. It is needed.

I agree with the time thing. My family and ex have stolen a very large chunk of my time. And still. It is sad.

But I have also gave them a lot more time than they stole. Did someone tell this story on here? Or did I read it? It was a story about two monks who were asked by a woman to help her cross a river. They carried her. She was ungrateful. She was overweight. The one monkey complained: my feet still hurt from carrying her, she was too heavy. My back still hurts from that horrible woman. My arms are still sore and she wasn't even grateful. He kept on talking about her. After a while he asked: are you not hurting? The other monk said: well no, I put her down 5km ago, right after the river, but you seem to be carrying her with you still (even if only in mind).

It's obviously not that simple with major trauma...it's not something you just shake off, if ever. But I do think I - at times - could have let go earlier or better than I did.

I do think they taught me a lot. I was a joyful and sweet child, before the csa. But in my teens and young adulthood I was quite...egoistic? Shallow? Incapable of connecting to people? I think the extra trauma after csa opened me up in ways that could not have happened without being terribly hurt - and without God...

An example - please do not hate me. I was a rather pretty 20 year old. A friend tried to date me and I refused. Or rather: he kissed me when I was drunk, and then I plain ignored him after. That was not kind. It was a lack of social skill, I was socially clueless. But he was also a bit chubby and I did not like that. I was punished: I met him later. He was always handsome. Educated. Training to be a top surgeon, for what it is worth. Sportive. Funny. Kind. Cheerful. But now he was also very fit. And with a kind girlfriend. When I was pregnant and alone, because my athletic boyfriend was also a sociopath.

I guess I was taught better values and better empathy the hard way.

I mean...I ended up like that because of how I was raised...I was actually a caring little girl. But still. The extra trauma cracked me open after the csa had locked me inside.
 

[countrygirl]

Hi Deborah,

You are a very attuned and open person.  I think you would be a wonderful writer.  I mean, you are a wonderful writer on the forum, but I wonder if you've ever considered writing a novel and/or stories?

I have heard a version of that monkeys and the heavy woman story, I think.  Or is it just the sort of story which you feel that you should have heard if you haven't?   At any rate, it is true that the first monkey was still carrying the woman.  Thank you for sharing.  Very relevant to the topic of wasting time.

And then the example from your own life had to do with a slightly chunky guy, so maybe you shouldn't carry him any longer.  When we're young, we're more likely to be taken in by appearance.  And, besides, hindsight is always twenty-twenty.  I can't tell you how many times I've thought about mistakes I've made, but now I usually try to think that there is no way of knowing how something would have worked out if I'd made a different choice. Having said that, I definitely think it is possible to learn from all of our encounters. And it was good that you learned not to judge a book by its cover. 

I wanted to tell you that the person I've been writing about here was also a victim of csa.  She says she doens't know how it has affected her.  And she doens't want to examine it.  She tells me she's always thought you shouldn't dwell in the past, that you should just move on. But sometimes if you don't understand how you've been affected, you can't move on, or can't move on in the way that you would want. I have cut her a lot of slack over the years, becasue I really do care about her, although she frays my last nerve.  I think the csa "locked (her) inside" too.