After effect of CSA

[Deborah]

Incest was far from the worst thing that happened in my childhood. I think the subtler the abuse, the worst it is. But the starting point of the scapegoating abuse was incest by an uncle.

I have long forgiven and forgotten my uncle's misdeeds. I went no contact with him. He still does things (not incest) that scare me. But I have zero bad feelings towards him. Never really had. I see how traumatized he is. And have compassion with him. He said sorry once and made time to talk. That is enough.

What I struggle with though...is how the rest of the family deals with the abuse. All the abuse. But incest in particular too.

My mother's - his sister's - first response was that it was so sad for him. Because he had such a bad childhood. She then refused to quit contact, when I did. Which brought with it the un-fun surprise of me and kid being confronted with my CSA-abuser in random family events. I became pissed off and demanded she keep pedophiles away from my child and me. My father and brothers were angry with me for being angry. Nobody was angry with her for inviting a pedophile. I put my foot down: him out or us out. She sort of chose us. Then proceeded to tell all the family...without asking and behind my back...that I was abused. Eh, mum, wasn't that something to discuss with me first? It's rather private? She also said she told the family friends I had an "iny tiny little" childhood trauma. Violent incest, mum. How exactly is that iny tiny?

My dad ignored it. My brothers too. Radically. They never came to support me. Not even a hand on my shoulder. Not a word. Dad said it was "illogical" to talk with me. Because I already had a talk with mum. Because, yeah, you solve incest in the family in one 15 minute talk. He then proceeded to tell me how dumb it was I "did not just walk away". I had to spell out why a toddler cannot walk away when a violent adult male wants sex. He also said it was my "difficult character" that made me anxious to visit people. And it had no-thing-at-all to do with the incest just before. It was just very difficult from me to him. Illogical. No reason for fear.

Oh. And btw. Him and mum verbally abusing me after? That was logical. Because ey, a toddler who doesn't dare visit people is difficult to cope with you know? Don't I see their reasons?

Brothers supported them in this...saying they all agreed I was the problem in every way. And mum and dad and brothers were perfectly loving and helpful ever and always.

I asked them to listen to my side of the story. Brother in a humiliating tone said: "oh dear Deborah, what do you even know?"

The rest of the family radically ignored the whole topic. None of them every was of any support ever. I called one uncle to gently discuss there were problems in my nuclear family and if he had recommendations how to deal with my dad better. He started to tell me how horrible I was and how I was to blame for my dad's medical health problems.

I kept clinging to them...and still am frightened to go no contact...kept trying to reach and heal them. And at this moment I hate myself for that. The fawning cost me my health, me my kid, my kid his mother.

I've been wondering... still... CSA is difficult. For all involved. Are these processes "normal"? Do regular families also go into denial and defence mode? Because it's just too much to cope with? And mental flexibility is needed...to admit this one child who was "difficult" for not visiting people...was actually the victim? And you were the perpetrator?

My incestuous uncle was actually the only one who responded sort-of-well. He admitted to it publicly. So I did not get the blame. He said sorry. He made time to talk when I asked, even if it was difficult for him. I do not trust him. But what the rest of the family did? In all honesty, it was worse.

Sorry...wanted to share...

[bloomie]

Deborah - my heart breaks as I read through your traumatic experiences in the relationships and places you should have been most safe and cherished. I am just so sorry for the family system that failed you so completely and wounded you further.

I wanted to share the work of Dr. Ingrid Clayton that may be more specific to the after effect of CSA than some we have here at Out of the FOG:

https://www.ingridclayton.com/resources


And Dr. Clayton's books - Believing Me, and Fawning have both been of great help and support to me.

And this definition and explanation of the trauma response of fawning has been healing and encouraged self compassion in my own journey to understand my own responses:

https://www.ingridclayton.com/what-is-fawning

I kept clinging to them...and still am frightened to go no contact...kept trying to reach and heal them. And at this moment I hate myself for that. The fawning cost me my health, me my kid, my kid his mother.

I understand this on so many levels the inexplicable chasing and clinging, attempting to reach people who were unavailable and who were further damaging me. You are brave to examine this and the work you are doing, the deep work, the questions and willingness to heal and learn, reach for support - I honor that! One step at a time... just one step. Be gentle with yourself as you go!

[Deborah]

Thank you. That is much appreciated.